My husband is still in love with his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
My husband is still in love with his ex
15
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 2:16pm

I am 29 and married my husband 3yrs ago after 4 years of dating and i am so happy, my husband is 30.He has known this certain female friend of his for 18yrs and she is 26 and she is also now my friend but i feel very intimidated by her, they have a load of mutual friends, she is so beautiful looking and almost all my husbands friends say they have a thing for her. I've always got little hints that he had feelings for her when we dated. My husband confessed to me 2 weeks ago that they dated in her teens and that he was her first sexual partner, but she wanted to keep their relationship quiet, but she broke up with him to traveled the world with some friends. She has moved back & i catch my hubby staring,all eyes on her or when she says anything he looks at her with love in his eyes, its like he is over the moon shes back. When i talk about her he gets very aggravated about it & the other day when he was drinking i asked him if he wanted her, he told me it hurt like hell when she left and he missed her like crazy. My MIL adores her and she is such a outgoing person and my husband never lets anyone bad mouth her. She is a dance teacher and if she is dancing with family or friends at a get together my husband just stands or sits there watching her and always has a certain look in his eye and he has a certain smile just for her that i never see when he looks at anyone else,she can be flirty at times and had a flirty smile & look at him. He barely touches me anymore, when his friend asked him what he wanted for his 30th he 'joked' he wanted a marriage and f*ck fest with her. When we all went out for dinner she was in a short dress & i was surprised my hubby could control himself, he kept smiling at her and walking next to her, when she would walk past he would check out her ***, then 'messing' he throw her over hid shoulder and ran off. When we had sex that night i was convinced he was thinking about her. She's so nice to me which makes it hard for me to really hate her. My hubby got very drunk over the weekend and i overheard him say to his friends that 'he may get a divorce',then i heard his best friend say to him that my hubby genuinely wants to be with his ex. Any advice on how i deal with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 3:50pm
Wow. Why not confront him? Were you a rebound person for him? My first thought is to not hate her, unless she's provoking him somehow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:00pm

There's no reason to hate her, she doesn't have control over your husband's thoughts and actions and it's not her fault if your husband has the hots for her, does love her or whatever he feels for her.


I would sit down with your husband and talk about it with him,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:09pm

Do you have children together?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:11pm
Yeah, what Tish said!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:33pm

I didn't reply right away, I sat on it for a little while because my first reaction was tell him "on your way out, don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you" and if it was just a b/f, that would have been my suggestion.


Being that they are married changes it a bit for me, talk about it and go from there but in no way, shape or form should she tolerate that garbage.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:36pm

I wrote this to you on the other board:


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 7:24pm

Wow Meadow,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 5:49am

Firstly, I'm so sorry.


Secondly, you need to sit your husband down and tell him that you're not an idiot, you can see what's right in front of you, and require him to make a choice between you and her.


If he chooses you, I think you are within your rights to require that he cut off all communication with this woman permanently. I completely support friendships with the opposite sex, but not like this. Not when he's saying the things he's saying, and humiliating you in front of your friends.


If he chooses her, do not let the grass grow under your feet. Get out, or get him out. File for divorce. Get him out of your life as fast as you can.


Again, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 6:14am

You can't hate her I guess. She's not leading him on, she broke up with him years ago, and as far as we know she's not showing the slightest interest in him.

So the focus isn't on her, it's what to do about your idiot husband. How long has this been going on? From what you're saying the guy isn't getting over his crush on her and can't move on. He dated her, what?, ten years ago or something?

I think that I'd sit him down one night, tell him that you've seen what he's doing and how he looks at her, that you know what he's been saying about her and your marrige to others, and you are sick and tired of being with man that wants another woman. Ask him why he thinks that the two of you should stay married?

I know that I would be heartbroken and destroyed by this myself. I don't think that I could bring myself to stay with him unless he provided some very good and convincing answers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 10:49am

Wow.

Being that she dumped him once already, means that there is a very strong chance she would not be interested in him in return.

If it were me, I would probably separate myself from the group for now. Especially since his buddies seem to be encouraging his behavior. And let your DH know exactly why. You can't force him to do the same, but perhaps your absence will at least get him thinking about just how much his behavior is affecting you.

If he blows you off, then you need to decide what it is you need most for yourself. At 29, you are still very young and vibrant yourself. You deserve a loving relationship.

Hugs,

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