My man won't grow up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
My man won't grow up
5
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:35pm
My husband and I have been married for three years. We have a house, two kids under the age of two, and a ton of bills. Why can he not come home after work and spend time with his family? I know the kids are a handful--I'm with them all day. Don't I deserve some help around the house every once in awhile?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:21pm
I know how you feel n im in the same boat SUCKS DOESNT IT!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 8:43am
You don't seem to have much of a question, or discussion point except...

"Don't I deserve some help around the house every once in awhile?"

That seems like a no-brainer.

Of course you do. That's what being a husband and father is all about. Helping to raise a family. Seems obvious to me...

Brokk... (husband, and soon to be father)

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:57am
Did he suddenly become unhelpful & did you guys suddenly create all these bills?

The reason I ask is I assume you didn't meet & get married the next day! Did you have unrealistic expectations that after marriage these issues with money & time & help would suddenly dissolve away?

You didn't actually ask much of a question but of course he should spend time with his family & of course you deserve some help.

I would suggest calm discussion about your frustrations & requests. Pick a neutral time & a drink always helps! LOL!

Being an at home mom, I can attest to how difficult it can be being home with the children & taking care of all the house stuff. Sometimes harder than when I worked outside the home, because its without the'attagirls'& sense of accomplishment that comes with a responsible professional position. (I was a big cheese in the hospital & trust me I REALLY miss the sense of importance the most! LOL!) Your dh may be struggling (just as you are right now) with the new added responsibilites of a wife & 2 small children! His "line of work" is just a bit different than yours, since you work in the home & he works outside the home!

If discussion with him doesn't handle the problem, you may wish to consider marital counseling with a pastor or other professional. If bills are overwhelming,there are credit counseling services. Personally,I can't sleep if I owe money.Whats always worked for me is that we never charge what we can't pay for in full at the end of the month. Plus I have a thing about buying anything on time payments-I WON'T do it (other than the house) We have a really nice life & nice things & are not deprived & dh doesn't make all that much money. It can be done with good money skills.(one of the few things I learned from my parents) The community colleges sometimes offer classes on this.

Another idea that could ease your frustration, take some time just for YOU maybe once a week, even if it is just a hour where you don't have to be somebody's mom or wife. (I'm taking piano, plus have done some sewing classes or I ride my motorscooter into town & do the libray & Taco Bell!)

Good luck to you, Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 5:53am
Most of the points I was going to make have alredy been made bar one. Thi s has little to do with maturity as much as responisbility.

What tickles my sense of irony though is that the same exact attitude is taken to the husband of a woman, who is doing all that you are doing, on the childcare front AND who works full time as well.

The reality is that, once your'e into blue collar wages, the two income family is a necessity these days.

And, at the end of the day, ALL of the fathers I know, who help with the kids have working wives. And I only know one guy, with a non working (wage earning I mean) wife who also helps out with the kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 9:23am
Did you have some guidelines before you got married and had kids? Was it pre-arranged that you'd be the sole housekeeper/child rearer? If so, of course it changeable, but it will be more difficult. If you two had arranged that he too would do some work around the house, then why haven't you been calling him out?

Until it's routine, may I suggest you take a more calm tone when asking for him to so do something? Yes, at the beginning, it will be YOU who are delegating household chores (honey, can you take out the trash please and empty the dishwasher), etc, until he gets the routine. I don't like that the woman is more often the one who has a clue at home (it's always ME who knows what we need to pick up at the store, when the laundry situation is a crisis, etc - my fiancee gladly does housework but is almost never in the delegatory position). If you can handle the delegating, then get to work. Start asking him kindly to do very specific chores (make the bed, vacuum the living room, etc). SOmething as broad as 'honey, can you help out at home more' will do no good whatsoever.

After a few weeks or months, see if his task becomes routine - if not, suggest that he work it into his schedule. Again, from my experience, men work well with specific tasks - if he knows his job is laundry, whatever.

I think it sucks that you'll be in the role of asking for help (as if it was otherwise your job), but since you two have established your relationship in this way (at least in the last few years), it's just the way it is.

I urge you to change your patterns and routines as quickly as possible. If you're doing all the housework and taking sole care of the children, it probably never should have gotten to this point. Act soon.

About the kids, start setting more demands (but kindly). Something along the lines of "After being home all day, I want to go to aerobics on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I need you to mind the kids those evenings." I personally can't understand how he DOESN'T want to spend more time with the kids, but maybe he's never really had a chance to bond with them? Once he does, I'm sure it's all over. He'll be madly in love with your little charmers.

Good luck, Sally