Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Need Advice
7
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 11:27pm

Hello,

I would just like some advice or understanding to my topic here. I like this guy. Actually I think I'm falling in love with him which is stupid on my part because we don't know each other too well. I don't like to fall fast in case I get hurt. I always have walls and guards up but he has managed to make me lower my defenses. We've only hung out in person twice due to distance issues. He lives about 250 miles away from me so to see each other has to be a weekend trip. I met him through an ex friend of mine when we went up to visit a guy she was interested in. He took a liking to me and he wanted my number and would call and text me a lot in the beginning. He instantly started with the pet names like babe, baby, sweetie names like that. We have discussed this before about not being able to have an actual relationship because of the distance issue. However lately he hasn't been texting or calling much and he says he's been busy and I believe that. I know that school is a lot for him and now that he has a summer job and community service to complete so I know he's busy. I don't like to text or call him a lot because I don't want to come off as clingy or needy to him. The other day just joking with him I sent him a picture of me with a large stuffed Jack Skellington saying I had to settle for the Pumpkin King because you don't want me and I said just kidding hahaha. Just a funny joking around text message

and he sent me a text message back that said: Yes I'd rather we be friends. Mostly.

I'm not sure what that means if he's just looking for friends with benefits or if he would want a relationship with me if we lived closer or what. We haven't had sex and I don't intend to sleep with him for a while and he has never tried to get sex out of me. We have madeout but that's as far as anything goes because I know he respects me and doesn't look for a hookup.

I'm just a little confused by his text message and not sure what he's getting at. I feel a different connection with him because being around him I feel calm. I forget about all my troubles and worries when I'm around him. I feel happy and I really want things to work out but not sure what he's feeling here. If anyone could shed some light on the current situation I'd really appreciate it. I would love to advice from men as well.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 12:09am

I'm going to make the same mistake that you're making - trying to read his intentions based on my own perspective and experiences. Having said that, being an impartial third person and having had some experience as being a guy might give you that helpyou're lokking for.

The Pet names - I'd bet good money that to him, they mean nothing like what they mean to you. They aren't "pet" names to him and probably have no or little significance to him. He'll either call every girl he meets those names or he'll reserve for the girls he's hitting on. In neither case do they have significance to him.

Love him? No, you're infatuated, got a crush, lusting, whatever. True love takes two people and it takes time to get to know a person. You have very little real idea of who this guy is. He's probably been behaving well over those short few days you have seen him.

"Yes I'd rather we be friends. Mostly."
I could be wrong but my first instincts tell me that he means what he says - he would rather be friends - mostly. Mostly translates to sex. So it reads "I do not want a relationship with you (full stop). I would like to have casual sex though."

Distance is not a factor. He does not want a relationship with you if you lived closed to him.

And lastly, respects you and doesn't look for hookup? Goodness, you are naieve, aren't you? Let me just say that he would happily take a hookup if it was uncomplicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 6:52am

When a man says "I'd rather be friends.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 2:41pm

I have to agree with the other responses. It sounds like he's saying he doesn't want to put the time, effort, or commitment into a relationship, but he'll still have sexual relations with you. I know it's not what you were hoping to hear. If he says he's not looking for a relationship, you have to accept it. There are other men out there.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it's not surprising you were calm and happy when you saw him. He lives far enough away so when you are out visiting over there, it is going to feel like a mini-vacation. Even if he came to see you the second time, you could have been feeling how it was like a vacation for him. That is not to say long distance relationships can't work out. My husband and I started off long distance. It's just that the vacation aspect of it can make it easier to get carried away with your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:39pm

Hello westridge2001,

I appreciate your advice it makes it easier when a third party objective gets involved and gives me their perspective. So thank you.

Now to go over some of your points. I never thought of it that way about the pet names probably meaning nothing to him. Now that I think of it, you're probably right because we do barely know each other and for all I know he could talk to other girls the same way he talks to me.

And you're right it's most likely a crush and nothing more because again we barely know each other. I just thought it was something more only because it's been a while since I've had this strong of an attraction to a guy. Haven't had much luck finding a normal guy or a guy I can stand being around for more than 5 minutes for that matter.

And the text message being a woman I read too far into it but yea the more I think I about it the more your translation of it makes sense. At least I haven't slept with him and haven't had any intentions on it because I don't sleep around. I save that for relationships and I have to be really into the guy to even consider it. I unlike a few girls I know, know how to keep my legs closed.

And yea I guess I was a little naive I let myself believe that he could possibly want more than friends but like I said it's been a while since I've felt this strong of an attraction to any man. But thank you again for your advice I really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:46pm

Hello issytish,

I appreciate the advice you have given me. It's a lot easier to understand the situation from an outside third party perspective. So thank you.

To go over some of your points. You're right I probably did read too much into the text message and was hoping there was some hidden meaning behind it all. But the more I think about it the more your translation makes sense. I'm actually glad I didn't sleep with him because I only save that for relationships and I have to really have feelings for the guy to consider it. Unlike a few girls I know I know how to keep my legs closed.

And yes I did confuse love with a crush. I guess I did because it's been a while since I've had such intense feelings for any guys. I haven't had any luck meeting a sweet normal guy so that when he was really sweet to me it triggered something that made me think I loved him. Now that I know that I can control my emotions a little better. Thank you again for all your advice I really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:53pm

Hello rosewater99,

Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it. It's a lot easier to understand the situation coming from a third party perspective. So thank you.

I know it may not be what I wanted to hear but it's what I needed to hear. I hate being lied to and the brutal honest truth is better than sugar coating it. I'm just glad I didn't sleep with him. It would've complicated things further. I don't sleep around I only have sexual relations when I'm in a relationship and I have to have strong feelings for the man to even consider it. Unlike a few girls I know I know how to keep my legs closed.

And your second point makes a lot of sense. I guess it could feel like a mini vacation to me thus confusing a crush with love. I know long distance relationships can work if both partners are committed but it really makes sense about what you said. Having read everyone's perspectives on this topic have really opened my eyes and made me think about everything and made me realize I read too much into the text message and let myself believe that there could possibly be more. So thank you again for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:35pm
Good - you are all set and got it - find someone near you - you'l be fine

Denise

Denise