Need a little advice from you men

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Need a little advice from you men
8
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:17am

Hey All,
I have posted in the relationship problems before and women tend to side with me....although I am not really getting the "mens" perspective.

My husband and I separated last March. He moved out the day after our daughters birthday into an apartment. The last two months we have been getting along very well. Although he still has his apartment, which I know is a back up plan in case we do not work it out.

Last week we ended up getting into an argument. (we initially separated because he cheated on me) He has worked very hard for me to trust him. He tells me where he's going, who hes talking to and etc. I got a little irritated last week because his phone is always buzzing with text messages. (He keeps his phone out now when before he would hide it) But at the same time I don't want to be snooping all the time. Anywho...he told me he just wants me to trust him and that he knows he screwed up and he keeps trying and it doesn't seem like I trust him. I do mostly but I am still afraid of if something is going on then I will not know about it or find out.

I guess what I am looking for is suggestions. When hes in the shower is when I would have to look in his phone. If I ask him for his phone he will give it to me but then theres all this tension. Then at the same time I dont want to have to snoop.

I hope this post made sense.

Oh I also forgot...he works nights. And I run a daycare during the day. I understand it is difficult for him to sleep because of the kids at the house. But somedays he will go back to his apartment after work. I know he needs sleep but I can't help to think he wont be able to do that if and when ends his lease. Thanks!~!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 3:10pm

So, has he ever apologized for what he did? Personally, I think it's something that the two of you need to sit down and discuss. You get upset about all these texts he's getting. Who are they from? Sounds like he's trying to be honest with you. Have the two of you had any professional counseling?


Sorry, but I think either you trust him or you don't. It can't be you "mostly" trust him.



dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006


"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 3:20pm
Hi nhgal2006,
Thank you for your response. Yes he has apologized for having his affair. I was in counseling for a while and he came with me one time. We have talked numerous times and he told me either you trust me or you don't. If you don't I do not want to be with you. But after what he did, its hard to. I still love him and want to be with him but I can't just trust him over night which is what he wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 4:24pm

I can understand that. He needs to realize that it's going to take some time for you. What he did hurt, and you need to grieve it through. But it really does sound like he's trying. I really think a third party might help things. Someone to bounce everything off of who has really no interest in the relationship.


So, who are all these text messages from?



dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006


"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 4:25pm
I forgot to ask... Do you think this is something that you will be able to get over? Do you both love each other enough to fight for the marriage?



dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006


"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 5:38pm

Yes thank you...I'm just glad to hear from someone else that he is trying.

I would love for us to continue to go to counseling but he doesn't like to go so I will not push him.

Texts are from his friends I am assuming. He does have a few female friends and most of them I know but a few I do not. (they are from his work)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:45am

I'm not a guy but I think that you don't trust him because that is what your instincts are telling you. IMO, when someone has an affair and their partner gives them another chance, it's their job to rebuild the trust they broke. That means granting their partner open book on their whole life, until their partner is able to trust again, not until they get tired of bothering with it. Also, unless someone is just a habitual cheater, an affair usually means something's gone seriously wrong in the marriage. They need to find out what, and how to fix it. Marriage counseling gives insight, so they can rebuild. Mere time passing changes nothing. You say he's

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 9:17pm

How long have the two of you been married?


If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then maybe you should go by yourself. At least to help you. Have you ever found out why he cheated? There is usually a reason why someone cheats. Not everyone that cheats does it just because they can get away with it.



dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006


"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 12:27pm

We have been married for 7 years in April. He said he cheated because when I started up my own business I didn't have time for him and I nagged at him alot (which I do take blame for) and he wanted someone he could do things with. I understand where he is coming from yet that didn't give him an excuse. I have worked through the affair. (Don't get me wrong, its still difficult at times).


I was going to counseling for about 4 months but it became expensive and didn't work into my schedule.


I take it day by day. Some days I just cant take it and the worrying overwhelms me. Other days I dont care.