Need some help..on this sticky situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some help..on this sticky situation
28
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 2:06pm
Hi, I posted earlier about part of my situation.So, I'll just continue..my instru. whom I feel attracted to? But, I had to stuff those feelings b/c of the teacher/student..whatever and then this guy told me in not so nice terms that the reason I am single and why my stbx left me was b/c I am a very aggressive person. Wow..talk about where that come from? So, when I had class the following day, I was in a daze more or less. The reason I am going through a divorce is really nobodys business. But I know it wasn't b/c of that..now I am really doubting myself. gogobear? So, he's all nice(instru) but I hide my feelings and plus I thought I revealed way too much of myself to him, so I laid low thorugh out the class and he wanted to go to lunch, had lunch w/him before.. I didn't em him or anything, I just stepped back. Well, this past class..he was being a real jerk, I mean totally. He would say something and if I tried to be positive or encouraging he wouldn't even ackknowledge it. He would personalize something I said and wouldn't even look me in the eye..had lunch together and it started out okay but ended up with him leaving and going to his car..he drove and he was checking his cell ph. (p.s. this part really reminded me of what my stbx would do) Oh and I mentioned that I was being labeled argumentive and he said or onery. Whatever..LOL and this sposed to be a commucations class and I felt like we couldn't even communicate much less be on the same page. He wanted something else and ended up getting angry and he was just like that the whole time, he's a jerk and then he's very sweet. Then when I don't pay any attention to him he sits and stares and stares. At the end of class though we talked again and he was a totally different person..alone. He smiled and he could still get stuff out of me w/out much effort. Like missing class and he mentioned I could make it up. Where are u going? and I told him..later I wanted to kick myself. But I just felt like I was on a fast roller coaster. I think maybe we went all around the issues but didn't even address the real issues. I think he's very vulnerable right now w/his di. but still. I guess I just need some feedback..cause right now I am just wanting his friendship but then..those other feelings always seem to come into play..what do you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 6:39pm
>then this guy told me in not so nice terms that the reason I am single and why my stbx left me was b/c I am a very aggressive person.

He doesn't really *know* why you are single.

It is true though, that "too aggressive" can put people off. Not just men. I don't know if you are aggressive, or if that is just his opinion of you.

You are right, its no one's business about your divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:26pm
"SWEET CAROLINE" (Thank You Neil Diamond)

Would you please do yourself a major favor?

WAKE-UP AND REALIZE THAT THIS GENTLEMAN IS YOUR TEACHER...NOT YOUR POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND!

If I'm not mistaken...you're going through "transference"---which means the feelings that you kinda sorta had for your 'soon to be EX' are beginning to get transferred in the direction of your professor. WHY? Cuz he's the only prominent MALE in your life at the moment.

Pianoguy has two words for you: STOP IT! No friendship--no relationship--NADA!

You have a divorce to deal with FIRST...and your concern about the fact that your teacher is VULNERABLE has no bearing at all! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS "VULNERABLE" HERE!

So instead of going to "Fantasyland" with the teacher...start acting like a grown-up in the REAL WORLD! The words in your post clearly indicate that YOU NEED SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP! Whether by way of your personal physician or a professional therapist...PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR BY GETTING THE HELP YOU NEED!

In the meantime...don't subject outsiders (like your teacher) to your 'dazes', mood-swings, shyness or upcoming divorce. The file that's inside your head at the moment is crammed...and a lot of your 'papers' need to be sorted out!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 1:00am
Yep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 3:05pm
hhmmm. What did I expect that was a very typical male answer. For your information, all I am waiting for is the papers on my divorce..I have been seperated for going on 2 yrs. now. I left the relationship years before that; among other things that were involved so..I did my healing..and he isn't the only male in my life..either. I struggle everyday..but I am doing all I can do to heal myself in a positive way. But thanks for your understanding anyways...I believe the only true healing you could ever do is yourself..not some therapist or professional.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 3:27pm
For what it's worth, my two cents:

<<< What did I expect that was a very typical male answer. >>>

Well, I'm female and I agree with Pianoguy completely. His tone was harsher than necessary, but his message was right on the money. You should pay attention to it.

<<< For your information, all I am waiting for is the papers on my divorce..I have been seperated for going on 2 yrs. now. I left the relationship years before that; >>>

Maybe so, but you ARE still legally married. Until those papers are final, you are a married woman and therefore off-limits to any self-respecting guy.

<<< I believe the only true healing you could ever do is yourself..not some therapist or professional. >>>

True, healing has to come from within. No one does it "for" you or "to" you. However, therapists can bring things to light that you may not have realized about yourself or others, help you sort things out, give you different ways of thinking about things, give you tools to prevent you from repeating mistakes, guide you into making yourself to be the kind of person you want to be, and generally speed up the healing process. Don't turn up your nose to professional help; it's not for everyone, but can help if you are open to it.

In other thoughts: Anyone teacher treading the fine and volatile line of student/teacher relationships should know how risky this is to his career, and would be wise to keep the lines clearly drawn. Therefore, he is very likely to treat you in a cold and impersonal manner during class and in the presence of ANY other people, yet turn on the sweetness and warmth as soon as you are alone. In fact, if he is aware of his affection towards you, he may treat you even COLDER than other students just to be sure no one "sees" his feelings for you.

Or, you could simply be misinterpreting his sweetness as affection, when really he's just a nice guy and trying to be a friend.

Whatever, I would definitely turn OFF the personal messages, stop the lunch dates, stop the ems or notes or whatever, and start acting like an adult in an adult situation. Much of your behavior that you described sounds like a teenage crush, and could very likely cost your instructor his job, or at least his reputation. Once you are out of his class, AND your divorce is final, then the gates are open - pursue him all you want as long as he's receptive to it. Until then, back off.

Good luck.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 3:39pm
Perhaps you are over your STBX, but that wasn't clear in your post. Your teacher behaves in some ways that remind you of your ex, and that should tell you something. I know a woman who has recently married for the third time. I know her and her new husband quite well, and she has once again married a man with a few very similar character traits of her first two husbands. Character traits she despises and caused her to divorce her previous husbands. If you find yourself dating a man who behaves in ways that you don't like and cannot accept, it's foolish to pursue a relationship with him. You cannot change him, and he will not become the man you want him to be no matter what you do. Date men who are already the way you want them to be. I'm not saying that a man must be without flaws, but his flaws, as you perceive them, must be things that you can tolerate and accept. They can't be flaws that you consider hugely unacceptable.

And dating a teacher while you are his student creates a serious conflict of interest. It cannot be an equality based relationship, at least until you are no longer in a subordinate position to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 6:07pm
"Maybe so, but you ARE still legally married. Until those papers are final, you are a married woman and therefore off-limits to any self-respecting guy"

I'm not targetting any one person. However, I hear this on the board and hold my tongue quite frequently, so today I'm just letting it out. Nothing personal...

This is total BS. The same thinking would mean you are open and available to any guy who wanted you up until you walked down the isle. However, it's generally accepted that you are off-limits after you are engaged. Just as you are "available" in some fashion after you have moved out and filed the paperwok for a divorce.

Is it wise to wait until after you have "healed" before moving on to another full fledged relationship? Heck, yeah. However, it is not carved in stone that you must remain celibate and alone for the months or years that it takes to process a divorce. Some people may think it should mean that, but the reality of life and modern day society is that people hook up with new lovers after the paperwork is filed, and long before it is final. Straight facts of life.

Brokk...


Edited 9/30/2003 6:50:45 PM ET by brokkthepolyamorist

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:03pm
Yeah, it's not the first time someone BS'd one of my comments, and won't be the last. ;) I don't take it personal.

<<<... but the reality of life and modern day society is that people hook up with new lovers after the paperwork is filed, and long before it is final. >>>

But does that make it RIGHT? Like we tell our kids, just because so-and-so's doing it, does that mean it's OK for you to do it too?

Sorry, I still disagree. Married is married, whether one agrees with how the marriage turned out or not. So if a person wants to hook up with new lovers, why did they ever get married in the first place? And another point of view, many people (not all but many) going through separation and divorce are vulnerable, and the likelihood of any successful relationship started during this time frame is iffy, as you well know.

Like I said, any SELF-RESPECTING guy would not hook up with a woman whose divorce is not yet final, and visa-versa (self-respecting girl, etc...). He'd just be taking a chance on a risky investment of his time and energy.

Of course, unless all he/she's looking for is a little booty with no strings attached. Which negates the notion of *self-respecting.*

JMHO.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:14pm
So the only people in the world who have a shred of self-respect are those who are seeking or are already in the One True Deep Serious Meaningful Monogamous Relationship(tm)? And even then, people whose marriages have died and who have filed for divorce are off-limits?

How very...narrow.

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:27pm
Hmm..well I read all of the replies..and here goes my two cents again..I did go to therapy but she said I was done..what ever that means. Why pay someone $$ if they are convinced I am ok, that is a waste of my money. I take advantage of anything outside of therapy that will help me. I am alot better than I was..right after the seperation. So, I am going to throw this out to you. Since you are into this marriage thing? So, my stbx has gone from women to women since he left and even moved to his coworkers hometown and moved in w/her? Whom I found out he's been having an off/on affair with? Is this fair? Is this what I am sposed to wait for as in final? NO. But, I probably will, actually I have gone out w/males several times..nothing romantic cause they were the self respecting guys. But I wasn't ready then, either. Well, I found out since then that sbtx had numerous affairs while we were married? So, right now..I just don't want to go there; it seems that he was never committed, responsible etc. He still sees this woman? He calls me at work..like today and calls at home? For what I don't really know. I am just tired of this thing called marriage. Would I, right now, I would say never again. I am really not into the waiting game. But, I was married for 13 yrs. too. During those years I was never allowed to even have male friends so much as look at the opposite sex. So, I guess I am kinda walking into the dark..so to speak. I mean after the seperation was when I finally started talking to guys and actually just hanging out w/them. But, yeah...I wouldn't jeopardize his career for anything..and the reason why we em and have lunch..etc. Is a project outside of class, that he's been bugging us all summer to start..but we were all busy so we finally started again. But he's sposed to be like our advisor..or guiding through our project. Yeah, I agree about being cold towards me..I get that part. B/c he is..and then he isn't, like when I just sit and take notes, he'll ask for my input into the discussion...or just sitting there staring..so I have backed off big time. I will too, cause it's my grade at stake too. I am not about to repeat this class which is costing me $$ too. But, I decided not to pursue anything..at all..just like I said earlier this is like all new territory for me..but I appreciate all of the different opinions..and no I will never end up w/another guy like my stbx. I will make sure that I don't make the same mistake twice. That is I watch for all of those little things that in the end mean a lot.

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