No contact rule....

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
No contact rule....
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 4:20pm

He said he needed space.   I really do not think there's someone else in the picture.   He's a widower of just over a year & is definitely having a hard time.   I think that is what he means.  

Along w/needing space, he wasnt cutting it off with me, he made it clear - just said we needed to go much slower.  

It's been a month of no contact now.  I do have a stubborn streak, as does he, so I swear I will not give in to contact him, unless he contacts me & then Im not sure how to handle it.  Have the feeling it'll be a text, but, who knows, it might be a phonecall, in which case, Im not sure if I will pick up.

Wondering what do guys think re: no contact?...after a month.  He probably totally has expected that Ive moved on.   I am moving on, but still keep an ear out for him.

Would the tables be turning, actually, and the fact that I wont contact him - sorta give me the more control?   Might he be a little peeved that Ive not contacted him?   

Do you think he'll come back?  ... esp given that he wasnt rejecting me - just wanting to go much slower (knowing I would date others - not sure about him).  I do know the loss of his wife is making it VERY hard for him, but....

I dont know - guess I want a guy's opinion, altho I guess I can never know for sure what he's thinking, nor what will happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 8:07am

 A month is a long time not to hear from someone who said he is not ending things with you. Maybe he is experiencing severe depression now which is paralyzing him. Maybe what he said was his way of saying he really wasn't interested in you, but wanted to let you down easy. At this point, I don't see the harm of contacting him to say hi and see how he is doing. I wouldn't be pushy though.

As to him getting over the loss of his wife, people need different amounts of time. Relevant factors include how the wife died (if she died in a car accident when he was driving, that will be much harder for a man than if she died from pancreatic cancer), what his overall sexual and relationship history was( meeting her at age 17 and having her as his first sex partner and only love will be harder than if he met her at age 35 and had enjoyable sex and relationships with several women), and his emotional state before the loss.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 10:40am

  Men are as different from each other as women are.  You can choose to keep him in your thoughs or not.  Many time people going through a emotional time do want to be alone to sort out everything and it may have to do with profound items to his life.   We could speculate on what he is processing, but that is all it would be.  I strongly suggest getting out there and meeting other men for socializing.

   No two men process alike.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 11:48am

I would try to forget about this guy.  I think if he was at all interested, he wouldn't let so much time go by w/o contacting you, but you never know.  I heard from a guy recently who I had dated 2 yrs before--he ghosted on me and then called me out of the blue--he left a VM but I didn't call him back--2 yrs is a really long time.  When & if he ever calls again, then you can decide if  you want to give him another chance.  Maybe he realizes that he's not in the mood to date at all right now but in the future he might be.  I think you should focus your attention on finding someone else who is emotionally ready to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 4:01pm

I think you should forget about this man. He told you to date others, that you need to go slower, and hasn't contacted you in a month. That sounds like he's not into pursuing a relationship with you. If he didn't want you to move on and forget about him then he would have kept up some form of contact.

Did he say what he meant by go slower? I think you said that you slept with him a few times. Were you getting emotionally invested in him, wanting something more serious? I'm guessing that you must like him a lot to be hoping that he'll come around, after he's blown you off for a month. That may be the problem, that he saw that you liked him a lot more than he liked you or more than he could handle.

Whether its because he's still mourning his wife (and I know widowed people who weren't ready to date for years) or he decided that you and he aren't a good match--for whatever reason, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't sound like he will be at the same place, looking for the same thing, as you are.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 5:08pm
Ive wondered if he might be really in a severe depression - b/c I know the holidays were very hard for him. I thought I might hear from him prior to V's Day tomorrow. but then he's not necessarily the type to get into the flower-hype. Who knows - maybe Ill be surprised, but I doubt it. There's also his 50th birthday coming up the next weekend - of course, but that could bring more depression, but I was thinking he might want to do something for his birthday. And SPRING will be springing soon. Spring can often put someone in the mood, even if there is no one.... He also has a new position at work - which I feel he is probably throwing himself 100% into. Im wracking my brain, trying to remember what we talked about that nite. You may be right - may be that he found I was getting too serious - as I was. At the same time, I really dont think he's seeing anyone else, but I guess he might be. Or maybe he wanted to keep the door open, but see others at some point. His wife died just over a year ago from cancer. Thing I dont get is he is so sexual - at least with me. We had a GREAT TIME - kissing & having sex. I know he had fun, so I can only guess ;) what he's doing about that now. Slower: He said he is not ready for steady & not ready for anything more than casual. Said we needed to go very slow. So Im still thinking he may pop up down the line. Of course, at the same time, I dont want to think I am right there for him to come back to! so, Im not sure he's officially blowing me off - or just we're taking the break that he wants.... I am def starting to see others. Talking to a bunch of diff ones online!~ I still think Ill hear from him sooner or later. But maybe it just will really take for me to fall for someone else - and then who knows? That might be just the time he appears again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 9:26am

Unfortunately, it's not his depression, his 50th birthday or a new position at work. He's broken up with you without actually saying so. Again unfortunately, you were a girl, but not THE girl for him. You have to stop analyzing this, forget him and move on. I bet he has done so already...