no orgasm during intercourse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
no orgasm during intercourse
5
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 7:19pm

Hello. This is a multi-part question:

My boyfriend and I decided to have sexual intercourse after dating for about two months. I am not experienced sexually. He's in his mid 40's and I just turned 40. I am that 40 year old virgin, you can say, as I have not have intercourse until now. Plus, I did not tell him he is my first and when I have told guys in the past that I have not had intercourse, they ran. Not sure if that was a good thing to do by not telling him now?

We've have had sexual intercourse four times in a week and during those times I have not experienced orgasm. He had asked me, after sex, if I had achieved orgasm and I have told him almost when in reality not even close. Is it alright to tell him that I haven't reached orgasm each time I don't? I don't want to bruise his ego by having this happen again. He seems to ask every time we've had sex so far. Not sure how this affects a man if he can't make a woman orgasm.

Thanks in advance for any advice and comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 7:37pm

Trustlove, first I have to reassure you that he's quite sexually inexperienced too. You see, if he has to ask if you've orgasmed, then it's clear that he doesn't know what a female orgasm looks like. Because when you do orgasm, he will know without having to ask.

If you want him to stop asking, you may want to say with a laugh "when I do, I'm sure you'll know"

Now, about you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You see, a far majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation and not during intercourse. Yes, there are a few ways to encourage orgasm during intercourse, but this is something you'll work towards once you've gotten comfortable with the basics.

For now, foreplay is a great time for girl orgasms. Guys get us there with their hands or mouth. Can you masturbate to orgasm? If so, show him how you like it. Guide his hands or give him a demo....both are perfectly acceptable.

In the meantime, go to http://www.the-clitoris.com/ It's a mine of information with everything you need to know on the topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 9:50pm

Yes, it's alright to tell him although if he keeps asking and you keep telling him one of you is going to get disheartened with the process. If I were you (although, admittedly, I'm a guy) I'd say something like "Look, you've asked me everytime we've had sex so far. No, I haven't had an orgasm but you're doing everything fine. I'll let you know if there's something you can do, but rest assured I'm really enjoying the sex - so stop asking me if I've had an orgasm." Do it gently but you also need to give him the message clearly.

Onto the bigger issue, you should have told him that you were a virgin. I would have wanted to know. Regardless of your age there are a few things that I would do differently if you were a virgin. I would also consider it to be a significant thing and I'd be annoyed that you didn't tell me since if we're having sex, we're meant to be trusting one another and helping each other out.

Yes, there are guys that would run a mile. Being forty and not having had sex before would be an issue for me too. I don't know what you're like as a person, but yeah, it is unusual to have nothing against sex but be a virgin at 40yo. While it won't scare every guy off, it is significant in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 12:14pm
Guys and their egos. Lol! It's very hard for me to orgasm and I've only ever had one orgasm through intercourse. I usually tell boyfriends before I slept with them that I have this problem. It works for both the guy and I. The guy's ego is saved and I can just enough sex and not have to worry about faking. The explanation has always worked wonders! You might still be able to use it even though you've already slept with him. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 1:54pm

Thanks for your candid comment about me holding back telling my boyfriend that he's my first. You make some good points and to hear this from a guy's point of view helps me understand how I can be wrong in this. Not sure by how much I may have damaged things between me and my current boyfriend by not telling him. I have received advice from female friends not to tell him.

Do guys really want to know in general? It's just that in my experience, when I have told guys I have dated, they look at me negatively but stay for a while to see what happens and they run. My last boyfriend of five continuous months couldn't handle the pressure that he might be my first. He criticized my lack of experience and that I would not be able to please him then he broke up with me within a month. Though he came back three times in the past two years after the first breakup, this had always been the major underlying issue from his end and I had been scared to tell any guy since this.

Does anyone else have an opinion on holding back this information from my boyfriend? Thanks again in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 1:56pm

"Trustlove, first I have to reassure you that he's quite sexually inexperienced too. You see, if he has to ask if you've orgasmed, then it's clear that he doesn't know what a female orgasm looks like. Because when you do orgasm, he will know without having to ask. "

Furthermore though... He's inexperienced with her as an individual and all women are different. This is a critical time, OP, for you to be vocal about what YOU need and what makes YOU feel good.

I've had men try "tricks" that worked on other women but had no effect on me. They thought they were very experienced. A truly experienced guy knows how to treat women as individuals, ask questions, and focus more on a woman's reaction than how he thinks she SHOULD react.