Not a usual kind of guy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Not a usual kind of guy....
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:44pm

I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. I'm a 45-year-old woman who has never been married. While I'm not opposed to marriage, I just have never had a relationship that progressed to that point. I'm one of those people who rather be alone and content than married to the wrong person.

Over the past few months, I've been involved in a flirtation with very shy man who isn't particularly social. He's always pretty much kept to himself. He's 42 and also has never been married. I've known him most of my life and I really like him a lot. We spend a lot of time emailing and texting back and forth and while the conversations have not been overtly sexual, there has been a fair amount of flirting and innuendo going back and forth.

Recently, we ran into each other at a local convenience store. He was already in the store when I walked in at the same time as another man. I did not know the man and it was pure coincidence we hit the door at the same time. As I was walking out the door, my friend pulled up and asked if I was with that guy. I told him I wasn't and I didn't even know the man. As my friend pulled away, I sent him a text telling him he was the one I had feelings for.

Well, needless to say, things have cooled off considerably since then. While I know my friend has issues with confidence and is probably unable to share his feelings (if he has any), I don't know if I was wrong for telling him how I felt and put him off somehow.

My friend works in a very technical field and I would guess is better at dealing with numbers and calculations than people and I know this is his busy time of year at work. His job can be overwhelming at times. I don't know if I'm getting blown off or if he simply is over occupied at work. He keeps telling me how busy he is...I know he's telling the truth, but I wonder if it isn't an excuse, too.

Now, I know with most men, I would know he isn't interested and I should move on, but this guy is different. He has absolutely no game (which is refreshing) and doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't. He's just a good, nice guy.

I feel like a teenager because I have no idea how to handle this type of guy. My equilibrium is off.

Should I hang in there and see if he comes around or should I just forget it and move on? I have no experience dealing with men who are this shy.

Also, I have finely tuned gaydar and don't get that impression at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 2:36pm

He has a stressful job, so what does that have to do with this?

I don't think you were wrong for telling him your feelings. It's good that you did. If he cools off because of it, then that's his choice. All you can do is be straightforward and honest, and not act like someone you aren't. If that's not cool with him, then so be it. All you can do is your best. If he's so insecure that he can't take you walking into a store near another man, then you're way better off without him!

Let him come to you on his own time. You put yourself out there, see how he responds.

I don't like to play too long with men who can't take any initiative. You've told him that you have feelings for him and if he doesn't want to act on that, it's his loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 5:07pm

He either responds to you or not - I


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 5:19pm



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:37pm

I am a bit curious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 5:32am
I think that I agree with itshightime. Why are you interested in this guy? OK, I know that he's "nice" but it sounds like he's going to be hard work. I don't care how technical a job is or how stressful it is, there comes a point where you have to make an effort and relate to other people. Do you really want to be with someone that can't relate to anyone at 42years of age?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:50pm

I have dated a guy like that, one of my exes is quite a bit similar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:53pm
I really have to say I agree with this the previous poster's
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:20am

Wow, such great and thoughtful advice. I'm beginning to believe he's too much trouble. He definitely gives off a bit of an Aspergers vibe. It's just frustrating because I definitely felt as if he was pursuing me. He made initial contact. He made an effort to go to a couple of events he knew I was attending. (Very unusual for him.) Was always sending me emails and texts. I mean really long, arduous emails where he's always trying to explain some concept to me. (He's extremely intelligent and can be shockingly -- for a man -- thoughtful at times.) Unfortunately, the nano-second I responded to all the attention he was off like a shot. We've had a couple conversations in the last couple of days and things are friendly, but I'm starting to detach myself.

I'm smart enough to know that any man who makes me feel self conscious and unsure of myself just for expressing a basic human emotion in a very simple, uncomplicated way is not the guy for me.