Okay men - Need some help! Long...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Okay men - Need some help! Long...
14
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:39am
I really would like the men's perspective on this one: I met a man about 6-7 weeks ago and WOW we really clicked! We had so much in common, were at about the same place in our lives, lots of great chemistry (we both agreed). He even had me meet his kids. For the first couple weeks he called me every day, wanted to see me a couple times a week, etc. Of course, we had very frank and open discussions about everything: from parenting to politics to religion to relationships. He was so attentive, sweet, always complimenting me, very affectionate, also dropped alot of sexual innuendo. Now I'm thinking he was testing me or something. We agreed that we were sexually attracted to each other - and after a few weeks of seeing each other (I know, I know, too soon) made careful preparations and took the plunge. I made it clear that I am NOT the type of person to do something like that with just anyone, and he told me he was pretty selective when it came to getting seriously physical. After that, BOY things changed! I am a pretty direct person (which he said at first was such a great thing, and he preferred to be direct also, and hated to play games) and so I told him that I really liked him a lot, and that I was falling for him (in retrospect, a huge mistake). We had planned an overnight trip to a concert, about a week after we ended up in the sack the first time. In between those dates, his phone calls were greatly reduced, hardly any emails, and most of our conversation filled with long silent pauses - bad sign, and so I asked him if he still wanted to go on this trip, or to even see me at all, to which he replied of course. So we went, had a great time (so I thought) but after we got back he practically dropped off the face of the earth. I managed to see him one time after that, and that was by accident... He didn't return my phone calls, or my emails. About a week later, I finally got an email from him explaining that he had been really busy with his work (which I could understand, since I was aware of circumstances that would keep his schedule pretty hectic). Then he said it gave him time to think about us, and he said all these wonderful things about me, but said he just didn't feel any "soulmate" connection... Well I was floored to say the least, after all the stuff he said to me BEFORE we got into bed! He asked me what we ought to do, as he did enjoy spending time with me, said I was very special, blah blah blah... So I sent him a note back and told him that I think there was not any time to develop the emotional end of the relationship because we got physical too quickly, and that we ought to back off on that and just get to know each other better before we make the decision to continue or stop seeing each other all together. I also asked him to call me so we could talk about it, or arrange to get together after a couple days to talk some more, and I told him to just let me know how he felt one way or another and not worry about sparing my feelings. Well that was nearly a week ago, and I haven't heard WORD ONE... At first I was just heartbroken that I got no response to the email, no phone call, nothing... Very puzzling - this guy was very sincere, honest, and down to earth. Now I am getting pissed! For a guy to say he prefers directness, saying what you think, and hates games, why avoid letting me know where I stand? Frustrating to be sure. My girlfriends think he likes me more than he wants to and is spooked and doesn't know what to do. They (and my guy friends too) tell me to NOT call him or email him. Not knowing is driving me nuts (although I am still dating others casually, I'd like to work on something more w/this guy). How the hell do I go about contacting him without seeming like a stalker or something - or should I just not contact him at all? He lives and works in another town, so I wouldn't just run into him unless we made plans to meet. How about it, men? Help me out!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 8:50am
Title: if he lives and works in another town....

....then how did the two of you meet?

Also...since he livs and works in another town...how often did the two of you get together...as in face to face...over the course of those 6-7 weeks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:29am
Hi Go-

Thanks for the response... We met at a recreation area about 1/2 way between our towns (we aren't THAT far apart geographically). He said hello and I said hello back & we struck up a very nice conversation, I gave him my phone # and he gave me his. About a week later he called and asked me out. We saw each other about 3 or 4 times a week for about 3 weeks, and talked on the phone/emailed nearly every day. He let me know that he really liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, even introduced me to his kids. After about 3 weeks I realized I liked him a whole lot- I wasn't looking for a serious relationship - when I met him, but I did see potential with this one, he just seemed different from other guys I have met, very sincere, down to earth and REAL... So what do you think is up with this guy? I am just SO confused...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 2:08pm

I'm sorry you were a victim of this, but this is a CLASSIC behavior pattern for many men...come on strong at the beginning, make all sorts of promises that are totally unrealistic, and then back way off or disappear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 2:28pm
Hi Sheri and thanks - you really helped me out on another board when I was having trouble before, and I appreciate your response this time. So you think I should just leave him alone altogether... if he resurfaces, proceed with caution?!? (Sometimes I think I ought to swear off ALL men for a while!) On top of being blown off by this new guy who I thought was so great, the one I broke up with (just before dating this latest fellow) has started calling again... I don't take the bait. I have never been 'in love' in my entire adult life, although I really had some intense feelings for Mr. Disappearing Act and was actually liking it - it was scaring me!! All this intense emotion is stressing me out, but I am doing my best to try and focus on family, friends and work for now. Will keep you posted on how things turn out.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 2:32pm

Yes, I think he's a bad bet for a relationship, based on what you've posted, so I would not contact him and if he gets back in touch with you, proceed VERY cautiously, if at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:09pm
Hi Sheri --

I ordered the book you recommended from amazon.com - will take a couple days to arrive (I hope I don't cave in before then!!) Also found Steve Nakamoto's Men Are Like Fish (PDF version so I can download it and read it NOW). Hopefully I can hang in there! Thanks for your wisdom - AGAIN!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:12pm

Great, I hope it helps!


Did you know Steve is currently answering posts on the Mr. Answer Man board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:32pm
Thank you, Sheri!!! I think I may just re-post my original here on that board also... I appreciate your help. How do you find time to read all these posts and give all this advice? You must never sleep (or else have a superfast internet connection and be a speedreader on top of that LOL)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 8:10pm

Well, I am a very fast reader and do have a high speed connection both at home and at work (and I'm also a very fast typist), but the truth is, I am slacking *big time* at work these days...we're not terribly busy, but still, it's not a good thing and I really need to stop posting so much!!!


Sheri


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:03pm
I got some great input from Sheri but the men seem to be silent on this issue -- Any advice from the guys out there? It's always good to get the male perspective! Are there any guys out there who have thoughts/advice on my situation?

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