online drama: romantic & otherwise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
online drama: romantic & otherwise
Sat, 08-24-2013 - 3:32pm

I have this online community of 'friends' most of whom are involve in the indie creative fields. One particularly charismatic guy became a social network friend and I added him on a 'friends only' blog I kept. The blog is mostly the artistic mundane, however, years earlier was a bonafide tell-all diary. To my horror he occassionaly sub-mentions (using peer metaphor w/directly mentioning names) it openly in public posts. He was also in a committed relationship so after some open online talk, he toned his randy behavior down. For a while it went smoothly,  I got to know his friends, sig others and added them on and so on. 

Problem 1: A well known creative couple (I met onece) seemed to be lurking online (commenting on gossip in 'our' circle etc...she's more on the 'in' than me ). The woman suddenly seemed to take an amorous turn with my online friend and I got jealous. It was getting pretty rauchy via call/response messages. When she saw my connection w/my friend she got really snarky about me via sub-tweets. Suddenly there's something wrong with me bc I'm single & they are not (their sig other have lighty protested of the 'affair' but not to a large extent). Somehow that made me the 'acceptable target' for being "the wasps nest", "not a free thinker", the undesirable. Even if I try to be honest "this is hurting me" it comes off as being manipulative. This, of course has seriously hurt my feelings as I am not as socially savvy online. So after 3 years of a friendship that brought good interaction, it feels like Ive been betrayed & snarked at online without hesitation by more influential people, the guy of whom I at least thought as a more honest friend. It's all open online after all. And because the chatter is so clandenstine, no one expect those mostly affected, (me, super-close firends & the sig others) really see it.

Problem 2: I met one of these male creatives at an art fair in real life and we flirted. Unfortunately after a few weeks I added him to my networks & he's in a relationship. He continues to flirt heavily heavily online and to my dismay my friend (I think) offers him tidbits of my diary. This is where my enabling gets in the way, I like them both and didnt stop it, but was also really distraught about having personal information almost  "sexted" without my explicit permission. I dm'd the first guy to stop sharing and met the male creative I liked in real life again, and true to form for someone in a relationship...he totally ignored me. I was so so hurt. He still kept flirting online. But even as I dm-d to tell him, he's great but he's gotta stop, the messege got passed around and snarked upon publically (even by the woman of problem 1 who essentially has nothing to do with it)

This part of a circle of creatives (not the entire section but a known part) I wanted to be a part of, and I dont think all intentions are necessarily evil but more...self interested. ON the other hand, some of the snarkyness has that freudian slip quality about it and was targeted to hurt. Also both guys are extremely flirty despite their relationship status. This is a world where I feel a bit 'sold out' here other than feeling betrayed and distancing myself dont know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 2:10pm

I study intructional technologies and believe in transmedia (inclusive of non digital forms ie old fashion theater & storytelling & cave paintings). Ive travelled abroad when there was nothing more than the poste restante yet contribute to online virtual groups and challenge any shades of digital dualism. Ive had traumatic and wonderful connections by letter, in person, sometime by phone and some of the best/worst friendships who I meet in real life also online. Communication is communication. Period. All of what I described and it's the same in the end with it emotional reprecussions. There are different protocals to understanding the nuances of connections, but in the end we are all human. So so  passionate about this issue and make absolutely no apologies in being earnest with the occasional fumble trying to sort the differing landscapes of intimacy and connection virtually, cave painted, sung, ritually danced, through the gossip vine (online & off) and otherwise. And frankly this is the reality of coming generations (ie different communication bot new & old) that needs to be re-learned, un-learned, connected, assessed versus for true dialogue and progress to take place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 11:14am


Oh for the times when we had three ways of connecting with fellow humans: by hand-written letter, by land-line phone, or by knocking at the other person's door.

The 'online terminology' alone in Vespa's post just makes me want to scream..


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 1:11am

  Never assume people will think like you.  They won't.  This is why we have secrets.  DR Phil is wrong.  Online is to be naked before fools.  You did not know the rules. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
Sat, 08-24-2013 - 5:17pm

I know your right. I should at least get him off my diary. He's been destructive (even if I've also enabled it to a degree and  he feels I'm being bossy when I ask him to stop.)

I added him on an online 'friends only" diary so it was already sorta locked & it's been going for 10 years (still is though slowing down). I guess I really thought of him as a 'buddy' after he calmed down getting so randy at first...made friends w/his circle of artist friends. Now part of his circle is my circle so I cant completely ignore it. Also the woman flirting with him is a BIG TIME artist in that cirlce (no doubt he likes her bc she essentially can do no wrong with her influence). So i get angry I kinda get publically scapegoated bc I'm  'in the way' of their flirting. A struggling artist a generation older, an easy target for ridicule. I cant totally back away, bc bulding such a network online is so so hard, so I'm ignoring it, but feel very demoralized...and betrayed.

And regarding the guy I met in real life...I guess that's been laid out...I'm just hurt that the above peeps chose to use it as further fodder to snark at me online. This is a world online where being clandenstine and snarky is the hip way of communicating. Im sure only my surrounding circle are even aware of it.  I'm of.a generation where...certain rules of conduct are respected.

Guess I'm just's one of those cases where I'm distancing myself but cant completely drop it so to my horror have to just be quiet, ignore it, and quietly try to cultivate a stronger healthier set of artists arm on my network to grow into. Just sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-24-2013 - 4:50pm

I'm not sure how all this on line stuff works.  I am on a private post with other people and when one person did something out of line, the moderator removed her.  Since I'm under the impression that this is a blog you started, why don't you remove the guy who is commenting on your private stuff, or even better, can you now "hide" your prior diary entries since they seem like something you wouldn't want a lot of people to have access to.  Since there are people who are commenting about you in rude ways, I would disconnect from those people even if you have to somehow drop out of the network for a while.  Obviously this guy is not really your friend if he is making personal attacks on you even after you asked him to stop it.  

and as for the guy you met in person, he's not "great."  He flirts w/ you on line even though he's in a relationship, but then ignores you when he sees you again IRL--that's not the sign of a nice person.  If he's in a relationship he shouldn't be flirting w/ anyone else.