Over analyzing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Over analyzing?
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 1:23pm

Hi everyone--

Sorry this is a bit long…

I met this guy on New Years, but he lives in California and I live in Georgia so I wasn't expecting much out of it at first. But we ended up having a great date two days later (before he went back to CA) and we have been talking almost every day since. We call each other, text, or IM. So we decided we wanted to meet up in Denver because I am looking to maybe move there and he has a friend there. But even before that, he had asked me to go to a wedding with him in May, which I agreed to.

So we met up in Denver last week and everything was great when it was the two of us. We were joking with each other, he was holding my hand, sneaking kisses, and even hugged me and said “how did I get so lucky?” But then we met up with his best friend and the friend’s wife…who were not the most welcoming people. They weren’t mean, just didn’t really say much to me. I would try talking to them, but I wouldn’t get much back. The friend seemed more interested in talking to my guy and the wife had very little personality. We spent most of our time with these people. So like I said, I thought everything was great between us until the day we left. He seemed a little distant and I couldn't figure out why since he had been fine the rest of the time.

So we go our separate ways and I text him when I get home to let him know that I made it back safely, and he responded with “awesome. had such a good time in Denver :) ” And then later that night he called me and we talked for a few minutes, but he still seemed a little distant. So the next day (Monday) I see him online and IM him to ask him if everything was ok and he said he was having a really bad day at work, but he had a question for me: He felt that everything was great when it was just the two of us, but that when we hung around the two friends I became really quiet and he wanted to know if there was any particular reason why. I said I was sorry, and please don’t be mad and that I didn’t mean anything by it and that it was hard to explain this over IM. He said he wasn’t mad at all, he was just wondering. And that’s where the conversation ended b/c I didn’t know what else to say. Seriously, how do you tell a guy you like that you think his friends suck? I didn’t want to point fingers, so I just kept my mouth shut.

The next day I didn’t see him online at all and got no texts from him, which is not completely uncommon, but still rare. But by then, I was starting to get nervous and thinking he was avoiding me b/c of our previous conversation…so I decided to call him the following night and try to explain. We started off chit-chatting and he didn’t seem distant, just his old self. Turns out on Monday, the day he asked me why I was quiet, they had fired 2 people in his office and on Tuesday he had decided to take the day off. Then I changed the conversation back to the one from Monday and I told him to please don’t think I wasn’t having a good time or that I didn’t like his friends, I was just nervous and wasn’t sure if they liked me (which is true). He said he understood and appreciated me telling him this. He said he asked me because he had asked them what they thought of me and they said they really didn’t know much more about me other than what he had told them b/c I didn't say much. My first thought was “well, that’s because neither one of them made much of an effort.” But I didn’t say that, I just said I didn’t mean to come across as rude, and if I did that I apologize and to extend that to his friends. He assured me that no one thought I was rude, just quiet. We ended the conversation shortly after on good terms and I felt better.

The next day he IMs me with “Hello there!” and I asked how his day was and he said he was going to be very busy b/c they have new IT stuff coming in, etc. So we didn’t end up talking long. The next day I see him online and I just say “Happy Friday :) ” But he was idle and stayed that way for a few hours…when he finally replied he was saying how insane it was at work and telling me what was going on. So again, we didn’t talk long.

OK, so that’s the story. My question is, do you think I’m looking into this too much and that the reason he hasn't been talking as much is really because of work and not because he’s turned off by my quietness around his friends? That's really the only thing I can think of but it seems like such a silly thing to be turned off by. I’m just use to us talking off and on all day, and the week since we've been back it’s been not much at all...I'm just not sure if it's a coincidence or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: gagurl30
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 1:42pm

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it, but discuss it calmly with him and make him feel safe to be honest about his feelings. He could be completely pleased with you and you might be making a big deal out of nothing. So you had an awkward time with some people that are probably awkward with a lot of people. No worries.

Sometimes when people say the other person is "distant", they are projecting their own feelings onto the other person, especially when they are unable to articulate what makes them feel that the other person is distant. You're not a mind-reader, so I would be more inclined to think that you're the one who feels distant. Perhaps you're distant because he didn't steer his friends' attention to you as well as you expected him to. Perhaps you're distant because his choice of friends has made you doubt his compatibility with you. Perhaps you're distant because you thought his friends were being judgmental or unfriendly toward you and you thought he should have stuck up for you. Why do you think might lead you to feel distant from him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
In reply to: gagurl30
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 4:34pm

I feel like internet/phone connection



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
In reply to: gagurl30
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 8:42pm

I think if you really like this guy...you shouldn't pretend to be someone that you are not.

You lied to him..you said please don't think I wasn't having a good time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
In reply to: gagurl30
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:22pm

Forgive me if I missed something in your post (Tho I read the whole thing), do you guys