Phone Calls To Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Phone Calls To Ex
14
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:18am
So this is the deal. Me and this guy have been seeing eachother for a month exclusively. We both recently got out of long term relationships. We have been friends for a while and work together. Our company has company cell phones. Which I receive the monthly bill for. So we get the bill yesterday for the past month & he has spoken to his ex on the phone 109 times!! She has kids that he is attached to and he does call to talk to them sometimes. But not 109 times & not at 5am. So I know he is calling to talk to her. Since we've been friends for over a year, I know he doesn't love her & only stayed becuase it was convient. That is common knowledge with everyone he knows. He would never go out with her. Wouldn't bring her to any company functions, nothing. So I know he doesn't lover her anymore. But there must be some type of connection there. Why would he feel the need to talk to her so much when he says he doesn't have any feelings for her & constantly tells me he is in love with me? I just don't get it & don't know what to do. Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:42pm
Hopefully someone replies to this one. i had a similar problem a few months back with my boyfriend of two years. I just had his baby. She was only three weeks old and the doctor says abstain from sex. I had to get rest and of course he wanted to have sexx. I said no, so he decides that he wanted to speak to his children at 12:00 AM. What an a##. I would not even bother with him. He is disrespecting you and him and the mother needs to set boundaries. You need to tell him that it is unacceptable for him to call her so many times. It does not do the children any justice to see him calling like crazy. They need to set an example for them. Trust me right now you are wondering why he is calling her so much, soon you will be wondering why he is sleeping with her again. Kick his habit or he is just going to leave you for her. My boyfriend did not set these boundaries he has disrespected numerous of times and I realized that it is not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:33am

Thank you. I know in my head that you are right. Its just hard to tell your heart the same thing. Sometimes you need someone else to say it, so you actually listen. Thank you.

Did things get any better? Were you able to resolve the issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:17am
Not at all things got worst. He got her pregnant again while we were dating. A man like them are not thinking about the children all they care about is theirselves. Anyone that calls a woman as much as he has called has one thing on his mind and that is sex. I call woman like that convenient p###. I dont doubt he loves you but he is selfish and he loves himself more. I love to tell my story because If I can save one woman from the heartache I have experienced I have done my job. You dont want to be with a selfish man. If he loved you he would set boundaries and let this woman no he has moved on and he only cares about the children. If she cannot understand that then let a neutral person pick them up and deliver them to him. Out of sight, out of mind. She will get over him too. But if he keeps saying its not about her its about the children then it is a crock of sh@@. Dump him b/c you will be wasting alot of time loving a selfish loser when you can be giving and receiving love from a man that will treat you right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 5:19pm

I do agree with the previous poster. Something doesn't make sense to you about his behavior for a reason - because it doesn't make sense!! I can see that and I'm not the one that's with him. I would just be open with him - tell him what you saw, and I'm sure he'll start to give you the same explanations about I never loved her, her kids, etc...

But don't let him make you think that you are making up problems. You are not being crazy - calling that many times is a huge red flag, and you are being smart to question it. You should actually feel great that you were able to find this out now, when you've only been with him a short time. It will save you much heartache in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:04am
Girl as you know dealing with a man with kids already, makes you also tied to that woman with all of their exsisting problems. I got out of the realtionship before I got pregnate I read through him and he used his babymoma as a fall back. Everytime we got into it he phoned her. He treated her any kind of way and I wasn't will to go the stress of the ex. Take your child and move on before you end up nuts or in jail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:39pm
Girl too late. I went through a whole year of the bullsh@@. I have been called a Bitch. I have been threatned by her. She even cranked call my cellphone with her children calling for their father! Pretty sick. I even called her personally to find out if they were over. She lied then too. Even when we decided to work things out and said that he was going to change (BTW total bullsh@@) he still called her after I told him I would not have sex with him. That would have ended up with more babies. But dont worry I have my act together now. I am out of here in a couple of weeks.The only thing I am sorry about is not leaving sooner. To all women out there that have a man with young children under three. Stay away from them. It is not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:28pm
You have got to get in touch and read my posted message about my ex. He sounds alot like yours.We split up he ran off married his baby mom and when he comes home from the military he leaves notes in my door and drives by my home which is on a dead in street. I almost hit her with a tire iron she made my life hell becuase they weren't together but he was calling her pretending it was about the child. It hurt me when I found out that he married her and yes I am still hurt because we dated for so long and he had the nerve to tell me it is so he won;t have to pay her child support and he isn;t in love with her. The whole time we dated he tried to talk me off of birth control. I got 6 older sisters who guided me through life and warned me about men ahead. He had the balls to think that we could be secret lovers. Then I showed him my ring and told him I am engaged he broke down and started to cry. He most likely got u pregnate on purpose. I know that strange and I know it takes 2 to make a baby but he could have took precaution. I learned that men use children to latch women along and they want us to fight over them. The more you put up with the lower your self esteem is going to be. Imagine the child support and the loss of income in your home you will take if you stay. She will intentionally leave the kids on him in your home every weekend so you will have no private time. Hold your ground be strong when you think you miss him and you want him back remember all of the bad things he has done to you. KEEP IN TOUCH
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:33pm
OH YHA you stated stay away with men with children under 3. It don't matter how old the child is!!!! They will still cheat with the baby momma. Don't get involved with a man with kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 8:54am

I wish I read your post before I ended up in my predicament. My self esteem isnt destroyed but I dont trust him as far as I can through him. We are still living together until I can find other arrangements for me and my children. HIs first BM has helped destroy what was left of this relationship. I begged him to go for visistation and child support. We all lived in the same state at the time. He would not seek visitation because he did not want to go on child support. He finally did file for visitation and of course she begged him not to take it in the courts. He agreed with her and decided not to. Just another way for her to have control. He told her that he wanted to make our relationship work and we were all on three way at the time. She said she would leave our family alone. Which I knew it was bullcrap because in actuality she had a family with him too. She has also called my children "ugly monkeys" and how "she can always have him". I should have left him right then and there. But we decided to move out of state and start anew but even 1000 miles a way she started her bullcrap yet again. She would call and hang up and one time had the audacity to call me a bitch.

It is funny you should say "She will intentionally leave the kids on him in your home every weekend so you will have no private time."

She told my boyfriend that he has to keep the children, starting in April until she can find an apartment. Currently she is living with her parents. He finally discussed it with me and I told him to tell her to leave the children with his mother or sister because they are more willing to help her. At first he was not going to listen to me but his mother told him that all she is trying to do is ruin your household. I know how stressed out she is with the children but my household comes first. He did understand and he told her to wait until the summer or let the children stay with his sister. But she said no I want you to watch them. I know what her motives are anybody can see. She is bitter that he choose to be with me over her. If I was her I would be too. She had choices she knew he would not be with her after he had the first child with her, why would you go and have a second child knowing he is with someone else? I did not find out about her second child until he was six months old and I stayed to work things out. I realize that both of us have to deal with his choice and I have to deal with mine which was obviously poor judgement on my part.

I can say this he has called only to speak to the children and makes all his phone calls in front of me but I told him it does not matter I will never trust him again, never! Our relationship is done and over. The only thing that is keeping me from leaving is employment.

Venting on ivillage seems like the only thing that keeps me sane. I am glad that you had such good support during your time and hopefully your post will give me the needed strength to leave.

BTW, she did take him to child support but sadly for the children they did not give her the amount she was asking for. He was sending her a certain amount a month and she wanted more and it backfired in her face. She received less than what he was sending monthly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:59pm

To all or many posting on this thread:

The posts speak to the immaturity of all parties involved. Everyone is pointing fingers at everyone else and noone is taking responsibility for themselves and THEIR actions.

If a woman chooses to be sexually active it is HER responsibility to protect herself from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. If she ALLOWS herself to be talked off of birth control and gets pregnant it is HER responsibility. Really, what the he!! could a woman be thinking to allow herself to get knocked up by a little boy playa.

There was another post here recently where a young woman let things move along with a guy, invited him up to her place and then he stopped because HE didn't have protection (actually a pretty mature and responsible move on his part.) I'm thinking WTF???????Why doesen't EVERY sexually active young woman have protection available for HERSELF????? ESPECIALLY if she is going to play the game and invite the guy up???? YOU CAN BUY CONDOMS BY THE CASE FOR GOSH SAKES!!!!!

YOUR BODIES. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!!

Not EVERY man that has children with another woman is a lying cheater. Not every "baby momma" is a troublemaker. In MATURE relationships the ADULTS all act in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN!!! In fact I know many mature relationships where all parties have moved on to new relationships, they consider the stepparents BONUS parents and personal friends, coparents in the upbringing of their children. They plan holidays, vacations and school activities TOGETHER as one large extended family. But of course it requires MATURITY and a little SELFLESSNESS from all the alleged ADULTS in the situation.

So once the posters all GROW UP a little bit there is the possibility of relationships with people that do have children.

All I'm seeing here is a lot of finger pointing, blame shifting and lack of responsibility on the part of everyone.

So go ahead and stereotype ALL men with children and their exes if you need to to feel better. But remember YOU are someones babymomma too. So should we assume you want to make life hell for the next woman, dump your children off to go party and give he and his new partner no private time and that noone should ever date you because you have children and an ex? That ex would HOPEFULLY always be a part of your childrens life then therefore be a part of your new boyfriends life as well.

Take responsibility for yourselves girls. You lay down with dogs you are liable to get fleas. YOUR BODIES. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to have birth control, use it and not make babies with babies.

Guess what? When you become a parent it's not about YOU anymore, it's not about HIM anymore, it's not about previous HIMS/HERS anymore. It's time for the me, me, me, my, my, my , I, I, I attitudes to be over and the focus to be on the right thing for the kids. They have no choice but to be dragged through whatever crap and drama their parents drag them through. How pathetic for these children. In 20 years they will be going through the same dysfunction, same unplanned pregnancies, same dramas, because children learn what they live and this is what you are teaching your children.

I do agree that if you are not willing to be a mature, responsible bonus to the children in a partners life then find someone without kids. But at some point everyone needs to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. you eliminate anyone with kids, well you are eliminated too.

Remember when you are pointing a finger at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing back at you.

This is a good place to vent but if you can pop out babies, it's time to play grownup.



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