Please explain.. if you can

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Please explain.. if you can
6
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 10:48am
I met a guy through Match.com and we talked for a couple weeks via e-mail and we decided to meet ( after seeing pictures and thinking that we were both normal). So lets cut to friday night, we met at a out door patio and had a great time... we talked non-stop and drank and laughed, etc.

A couple hours later we called it a night, beucuase the weather was getting really bad ( at least that was his excuse ) He payed for the drinks and walked me to the car, kissed me on the cheek and told me that he would call me Sunday or Monday, which he did neither.

Finally, we chatted online again and he was acting really short and untalkative unlike he had before.. This really hurts me beucase he acted like he had such a great time and he really seemed diffrent.

I am not going to contact him again for a while, but I was going to call him in the next week to invite him to a baseball game..

Can someone PLEASE give me some advice. What the hell did I do ?


Thanks

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 10:54am
Why on earth do you think it was something YOU did? If he's not interested in getting together, it's because he doesn't feel you're right for each other, which doesn't make you *wrong*...it just means you're not a match.

Or maybe he's meeting and dating several people and feels someone else is a better match for him. You can't take it personally if you're going to date.

Or maybe he's just a flake!

In any event, he knows how to reach you and if he's interested in getting together again, he'll call. I wouldn't call him about the baseball tickets...take a friend!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 10:59am
You did nothing wrong (and repeat that as many times at it takes). Some people click some don't - he had fun with you that night, maybe he reflected on the evening and did not see long term potential, maybe he met someone else, maybe he switched meds (joking) - I find what works for me is to never email more than a few times tops before talking by phone briefly and deciding whether to meet, and meeting soon if we decide to meet. That way - no real attachment, no unrealistic expectations - meaning I expect no follow up call unless he asks me out for a specific day and time - anything else - no expectations - I've been told many times "I'll call you" "would you like to go out again?" and never heard. Also - what I do - and again this is just me - if he doesn't call I do not call him. For any reason. I do not ask him out unless possibly if it is a group activity and I make it clear "Hi - I didn't hear from you so I assume there was no "click" but you mentioned you liked ___ group and a bunch of us are going to go hear them at ___ next Thursday - want to join us?" Even that I usually avoid. Again - that is just me - if pursuing men and asking them out has worked for you in the past - go for it. Never has for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 11:11am
Thanks for your replies.. but I just dont understand and I really dont know how not to take it personally. I mean he even took my home number and I was joking and said " Let me put my name on this so you dont forget who I am " and he laughed and said "quite unlikely, its not like I get many anyway". Smiled, kissed me and said he would call, and even gave actual days he would call.

It just doesnt make sense...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 11:29am
I agree with the others. You can't take it personally. Perhaps he was already seeing someone, and when he got home reflected back and made the choice of which one to persue. When on a matching service you *have* to assume, you are not the only person he is talking to. Just as he should assume you are talking to other people as well.

Chemistry and "clicking" is very important for most people. Even if you feel that you clicked, he may not have. It's nothing you did or didn't do. He just didn't feel the connection. He may have had a wonderful time, but if there wasn't the connection there, then it just wasn't there. Perhaps he didn't feel it, but didn't want to jump to conclusions and ruin his chance with you. So he went along as if things were great, and mulled it over when he wasn't with you.

There are plenty of people who try not to jump to conclusions and burn bridges. It's much easier to get your number, but not call, than it is to not get your number, then try and call you later (when he doesn't have the number). So he err's on the side of caution and makes sure you cover all his bases.

A single date with no follow up call is nothing to lose sleep over. Going steady for three months, then the guy disappears out of the blue... That's far more troubling.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 1:29pm
The proof of the pudding is under the crust. People, guys and girls, children or adults, will say all kinds of things in order to get you to believe something without them having to put any action into proving that what they say is true.

I've had people try to sell me things and I sat there and asked questions and seemed very interested even though I knew I had no intention of buying what they were selling. You must know that you are not God's gift to EVERY man. You are to one...maybe two, and one, maybe two men will be God's gift to you. Do not take it personally if someone decides that you aren't the one for them. Plus, there are thousands of reasons, none of which have anything to do with you, that he might not be interested. For example, he is still involved with someone else, he has a bladder control problem that he is embarrassed about, his mother grounded him for being out too late, he has low self esteem and is just happy that you cared enough for him to give him your number and now he is going to stop before he blows it. I can go on and on. The point is, you cannot take responsibility for his decision to not want to get further involved. Keep looking and meeting people. You'll find someone who will be as happy they found you as you are that you found them.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 2:02pm
I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond, it really did help. I obviously need to learn to take things less personal, but I guess that I am at a point in my life that nothing is going right and I am starting to wonder if they ever real. Its frustrating, very frustrating and is taking a toll on my esteem.

I atleast wanted to be friends with him, but I guess time will tell.

Thank you guys again.

Karen