Please help me decipher before I proceed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Please help me decipher before I proceed
9
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 2:40am

Background: My bf and I have been dating for 2+ years, it started out slow and steady and now we're at that point where things are getting serious and ready to take the next step (at least to me Im ready).


I just turned 30 and he's 33, we're both financially secured with good jobs, we

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:12pm

>>My husband's old girlfriend started this with him and kept on going until her whole family was involved in the "wedding" plans! <<

Oh my goodness. That would drive any man away. Thankfully there's a huge difference between family wedding planning and having a discussion about whether both parties are on the same page ;-)

>>The only time I would start a big discussion would be if it wasn't progressing (which it is) or if it got to maybe another year or two with no proposal and no obvious reason (such as finishing up schooling). <<

This makes great sense. If it's going along fine for you and you're confident things will happen in your timeframe, then there's no need for you to ask.

I can think of two other scenarios where discussion of future plans is wise:

1. Before moving in together. If a woman doesn't want to be defacto forever, this probably needs to be sorted out first. I knew a woman who wouldn't move in unless engaged first. A smart move for a woman who seeks marriage. Of course, if living defacto doesn't bother a woman, then it's not so important.

2. If the woman is wanting babies and is in her mid-30's this would be another reason to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Imagine losing your last fertile years waiting for a proposal which didn't happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 3:56pm
As I think I said in my first post to her, she shouldn't have to wait and she doesn't have to wait. But it seems clear to me from her post that she wants him to lead, so.


Edited 6/19/2010 7:22 am ET by coconut2010
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 3:35pm

THanks for everyone's

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 2:31pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 10:08am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 9:17am

I agree wholeheartedly with True.

Yes of course he's in for the long haul, you've posted several things that are clear indications that he wants to be with you and have a family with you. So why is there any doubt? Why do you need strangers to tell you what he's already said?

I find it really concerning that you're 30 years old, in a stable relationship over 2 years, and yet can't communicate with him. I don't mean to offend you but to put this in perspective, your post reminds me of a teenager, looking for little hints and signs about how a guy feels. You should be way past that point. In my honest opinion, after more than two years you should have already had the conversations about marriage and kids and where this relationship is going, yet you're still making offhand jokes about it as though you barely know one another.

Here's something that may surprise you... Two people actually talk about this stuff before getting engaged. Proposals rarely come out of the blue like they do in movies. To me that's actually a BAD sign - Before he proposes, a smart guy wants to know a) he can communicate with his woman on the important issues, and b) that she's looking to get married and is actually going to ACCEPT his proposal!

It really sounds like you two may have a good relationship, and he clearly wants a future with you, but you have a long way to go in the communication department before marriage would be a great idea. Consider the fact that it's communication that will get you through the tough times together in the future. I'd make an effort to work on that if I were you, starting with having a talk about what you both expect from the future and when you want it to happen. Stop with the jokes!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:52am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 7:42am

I agree with everything True said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 4:02am

Hi Pisces, yes I agree he's in for the long haul with you.

The red flag I see? That you're not comfortable opening up to him about such an important topic. Thing is, whether or not to marry and the timing of a marriage does affect you and you have every right to be involved in the planning. What if his ideas don't match yours? It's better to know now than keep waiting for something which may not suit you.

I believe that if a person is the love of our life, we should be able to share our dreams and plans for our future. But you seem to be holding back for fear of scaring him off. This indicates some communication issues to be worked on.

Thing is, if he scares off at you simply asking his views of marriage with you.....then he's not the man for you. It's not like you've only been together for 4 months.