Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Question
53
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:56pm
If a man (early thirties) basically only asks you out to go for drinks, and not for dinner, does this mean he really doesn't want to invest $ in a relationship, and wants to keep things casual? I'm talking about all of our first five dates were invitations to go get a drink (at a nice place) but never an offer of food?!

Assuming that he makes good money and isn't completely clueless about relationships... Do guys do this when they have no intention of getting serious? They would want to wine and dine you (at least a little at the beginning)- right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:10pm
So what do you do after the drink? And what types of bars ar eyou meeting in for the drink?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:20pm
Nice places- $10 drinks, etc. or decent neighborhood places (we live in a big city where most places are nice) he rarely let's me pay for one. And yes, there is major fooling around after. The only dinner was first date- never an offer of food after that! He likes to go out to bars a lot on his own too... he's a big drinker. WHen he asked what I wanted to do once or twice I really said I didn't care and left it to his decision b/c I didn't want to be pushy. Other times- he just says "Do you want to for a drink?" I don't think he's an alcoholic or anything...and even so- isn't it just manners to take a girl out for dinner? Or at least offer to order appetizers?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:27pm
There are a lot of different types of men. Age can help, but background can also be a big thing. I *personally* was never big into wining and dining a woman. Regardless if I was serious or not. This never changed much, whether early 20's or mid 30's. However, GoGo probably has had different experiences. He *enjoys* dressing up and going out someplace nice on a semi regular basis. He might do this to impress a woman, even if he just wanted to get into her pants.

For me, I just wanted to spend time with a woman. Again, it didn't really matter how serious I was. When I wanted to get to know someone better (which is how I started with every woman), then I just wanted to spend time with them. It didn't matter where or when. I was never into anything that required heavy planning. So reservations and dressing up fancy was right out. I would do that for special occasions, but not when I'm just getting to know someone. They would also have to prompt for it, and know where/when they wanted to go. Then I was basically doing this to please them.

In conclusion, I don't think you can definitively tell much from that type of invitation. He could just be getting to know you better, and has not really decided how serious things are between you two. Like Erin, I have to question what happens after the drinks. That could say alot.

Perhaps he's just more comfortable hanging out in bars. That says something right there.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:31pm
"yes, there is major fooling around after."

"He likes to go out to bars a lot on his own too... he's a big drinker."

These two statements answers it for me. 1) He likes to drink a lot, so invites you to places he was going to go anyway. 2) He gets to do some major fooling around with you afterwards, so why should he worry about adding food into the mix.

I don't think he is serious in the way you are thinking of it.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:40pm
I just know that if I were a guy taking a 110 lb. girl out to drinks, and I see her getting totally wasted in an hour, I would offer her food. It's just manners. So you don't just think it's a matter of questionable maturity or cheapness... you think he's just not serious about the whole thing. I see your point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:45pm
He's not interested in "you" as an individual. Dinner would involve time and conversation, not just $$$. It would lead you to believe he wants to know about you, wants to emotionally invest and involve...he doesn't want that becuase his actions give you that awareness in full. Meeting for drinks, in nice bars, and nothing else but drinks and fooling around. That's all he's after...that's all he's pursuing. You can tell what a person wants...by what they pursue. If you want to be compensated for it with dinner, you're likely going to have to order in dinner or appetizers up to the hotel room afterward, ask first before you spring it on him to make sure he's okay with that on his credit card.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:53pm
Duped again by another loser?!?! Oy vey.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:19pm
You weren't duped....you agreed to do everyting you did. You didn't hold onto standards, requirements, or principles that he had ot live up to, that you were living up to - in order to associate.

Stop "giving to get"...thinking that "you" are what has someone wanting a committed relationship, or even a date. Notice that you want that...and you haven't met them first. It's because you want it...that you want it. And it'll be the same for them.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:25pm
I am fine with a first date being just for drinks. After that I expect that man to want to spend more time with me - so whether that is a free activity - like a museum or hanging out in the park - or a dinner, etc. it should include more time spent together - I drink very little so a drink date for me lasts under two hours and if there was no offer of food and it was dinner time I would be suspicious concerning his motives, and basic common sense. If he asked me to split the bill with him for whatever we got to eat and it was a second date I would assume he either wanted just a friendship or a sex only relationship - unless he explained to me the extenuating financial circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sj5az
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:27pm
Why are you getting drunk - why not order just one drink and then order my fave non alchoholic drink - sparkling water with a dash of cranberry juice and a twist of lime - it is yummy and looks alcoholic. Also, why not just say - I'm starving - I'm going to order an appetizer. I agree with Brokk, by the way.

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