Question about my messy boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Question about my messy boyfriend
5
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:05pm
I am currently living with my boyfriend who I feel doesn't take me seriously sometimes when it comes to cleaning out the kitty litter box and cleaning in general. I am a VERY neat and organized person and he is a typical guy: kind of on the messy side. Cleaning is what we argue about the most & he gets mad when I clean so much, and says he will take care of it later and never does---I don't know what to do...

Any Suggestions??

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:22pm
Cleaning is important to you. It's not to him. The only thing you can do is compromise. You can try not to be so anal about it and he can try to pay a little more attention to it. But really, if it's going to drive you nuts to wait for him to reach his threshold for clutter, you should just clean it and accept it as a difference in your personalities. If you're feeling resentful that he doesn't help on your timetable, the only thing you can do is adjust your timetable. If he's anything like me, there are a million and one things I'd rather do than clean, and it often becomes the item on my list that gets relegated to the bottom.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:25pm
Title: Well, I have to admit I'm surprised to hear a woman say that, but I totally agree...

It has always been my position on this issue (through two adult co-habitation arrangements) that the person WITH the problem should address the problem. You think the bathroom is dirty...then clean it. I'll clean it at the point where **I** think it is too dirty (actually, more than likely I will hire a maid).

Every woman I've ever known objected to this...including on this board...but I just don't see the flaw in the logic. I mean, once we establish that we aren't REALLY talking about a health / safety hazard here (if it is THAT dirty...there is a problem that you BOTH have for letting it get that bad), it comes down to personal preferences. And a person should take personal respondsibilty for their own personal preferences, IMHO, versus expecting their partner to adopt them.

I don't clean. I did enough of it as a kid, supporting my single parent working mom, and as a young man / teen doing it to earn money. I have washed many dishes, scrubbed many floors. I've been a janitor...I've been a busboy / dishwasher. Hell, I used to clean school buses every summer (you wanna try some back breaking work? Try cleaning school buses...try scrubing and reaching with a heavy brush for hours on end...).

To me, it is no different than the fact that I actually am something of a neat freak (meaning, I like to have order and a lack of clutter, versus being a "clean freak"), but I don't expect my partner to be. When the clutter starts to get to me, **I** straighten up. It's MY problem.

I went to college so that I could have choices in life about what I wanted and didn't want to do...and then enforce those choices. I don't want to clean. Now, I don't have to, and nobody can make me...lol.


Attagirl Artie...between you and FC their might be hope for the female species yet...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:26pm
I'm with Artie and Gogo...as someone who just doesn't prioritize neatness, it's hard for me to understand why it's so important to some people. I will make an effort, but if it comes to a choice between reading a book for an hour of free time and cleaning, there's no contest! This was actually an issue for my ex and I (we were planning to move in together and get married) because he was very neat. I was willing to meet him halfway (make a conscious effort to be neater), if he met me halfway (by making a conscious effort to not let a little clutter bother him!). Have you tried that with your bf?

My ex-husband and I had a cleaning service come in every two weeks; that worked for us.

I'm curious...since this is something that I would definitely want to discuss before moving in with someone, did the two of you discuss it and agree to how you would handle it? Is he not living up to what he agreed to?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:29pm
Why thank you, Gogo. Placing little 'ol me in such illustrious company!

Seriously, I hate to clean, but my mother is a clean freak. She does it every day. Nothing meets her standards, so that's where I developed my theory. I had maid service for a while because I like to live clean even if I'm not doing the cleaning, but alas, the college student fund didn't support that for long. It will probably be my first luxury item once I get a job. ;-)

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:25pm
Illustrious? I think you mean infamous. ;-)

I suppose it's unsurprising that I agree with you on this, artie. (And GoGo, and NWW.) Both dh and I are card-carrying slobs. Cleaning is absolutely last priority for both of us. Of the two of us, I am the *slightly* less slovenly. Thus, I do slightly more of the housework. Occasionally, I go through periods where I want my environment neat. Unfortunately, when this happens, if I really want it neat, I get the privelege of tidying up. Because I care more (for that short period of time). This isn't as nice for me as being able to order my dh to clean because *I* want it neat. But it is fair.

--fc, who's seriously considering maid service if she gets a raise next month