Question for the guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Question for the guys?
13
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:03pm

Would you still want to be friends with someone who turned you down? Say you were just becoming friends, when physical attraction got in the way. You were not really able to develop a friendship. She is really attracted in return, but she is taken.

You both still care about each other. Would you still want to be in her life? or is it best just to let go?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 10:32pm

what?! I feel this piercing ice-cream headache coming on...let me figure out what you're asking....

you're friends, but you can't develop a friendship 'cause someone turned someone else down 'cause they were already spoken for, right?

Look, here's the scoop in my opinion - I've never felt I could be friends with a woman, truly friends, if I was also seeing someone else. Why? Because who you're seeing should be your best friend. So if my good friend is not who I'm seeing, why?

I've never believed guys and girls can really be true close friends w/out the physical component, but that's me. Most of us guys are always looking at a woman thinking "I'll be friends w/ her first, then I'll make my move!" But in the real world, if you've been turned down by a guy who's seeing someone else (which is my interpretation of your scenario, I think), you need to let that go. He'll come around in due time, or he won't. But sometimes you have to let the current relationship fail on its own accord. Or not. B/c if who he's with is what he wants, let the man be happy. There's a boy for you, too. Unless I'm way off base, in which case perhaps I should just go to bed.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:12am
Okay, you got it backward. The woman is taken and the guy is single. She turned him down. Can or should they try to have a friendship? Since you seem to think men and women can't "just" be friends...maybe you've already answered my question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:25am

I think it's going to be tough for them to be friends, because essentially starting a friendship with another man gives real reason for suspicion for the guy the woman's currently dating. In other words, the girl in this - if she wants to preserve her current relationship, I don't think she should be looking for more "friends" that are guys. Us guys like to persue, we like the thrill of the chase, we like a challenge typically...unless the guy friend is like 500 lbs or a cyclops, chances are he's got some motives in pursuing a friendship with a girl who's already taken. How do I know? I've done it (yes, it's true, before I was married, I was kind of a putz...some say I still am, like my Mom - joking!!).

Anyway, I think the friendship thing should drop, it's probably only going to lead to weirdness down the road.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:58am
David,
Thanks for your reply. I guess I knew that all along. Just wanted to get a guy's input. So I'm doing the right thing keeping my distance....You're definitely right about weirdness down the road. Also, thanks for your honestly about yourself--that makes your advice so much more meaningful! Appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:19am

So now that I'm clear on who's who in this thing, here's the deal - if you like this new guy, you're attracted to him moreso than the guy you're with now, go see the new guy. Hell, we've all done it! The thing is, drop the guy you're seeing now IF you're gonna go that route and try the new guy. See,dating is gambling, if Guy #1 is dropped and Guy #2 doesn't work out, you're SOL all the way around with no guy. That's what makes dating so "fun" (others call it maddening). You never know how something's going to work out so you dating is one big leap of faith. However you only live once, so you have to leap sometimes to find out how high you can...oh, whatever the saying is.

Just do right by the guy you're seeing now, if you choose to stay w/ him or dump him by the side of the road - meaning, before you dump him, slow down to 15 mph so when he hits the ground, he rolls...gently.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
What Your Dad Didn't Teach You

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:38am

Since you were honest with me...I'm married. And my attraction to this OM has been difficult to deal with. He wanted a relationship and I wouldn't go there. Nothing physcial ever happened, just a lot of flirting. I've ended all contact with him. I'm going to counseling now and my husband and I are beginning to work things out. I'm still very attracted to him...but I KNOW letting him go is the right thing to do.

Sorry I wasn't upfront about this earlier. I guess asking this question was just to confirm my decision that a friendship with him was a bad idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:01pm

Now that you've told me all that, yeah, it's a BAD idea. You need to resolve the home situation first; attention needs to be focused there.

We all meet people in the world that turn us on, happens all the time. Hell, it happened to Brad Pitt, of all people, and he had someone pretty damn good at home...least most of us guys are Aniston fans. So it's everywhere. The key is what you do about it and how you play those situations, and you know your personal environment better than anyone.

Seeking counseling's a great move. Every relationship, every marriage - work in progress and no-one I know is completely, 100%, overwhelmingly satisfied. You give some, you get some (notice I didn't say "git some"...that'd be different). But if the foundation's truly there, you can build on that and have a pretty damn good life. Let the other dude go, I've done it with women I've met after being married (in fact, I met WAY more women who were interested AFTER I was married than when I was single...where were they all when I WAS single?).

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
What Your Girl Wished You Knew

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:33pm

You're right about no marriage being perfect. I'm lucky, I was completely upfront with my husband about my attraction to the OM and we talked it ALL out. And we both agreed that we want to make our marriage work. My therapist says the OM was the catalyst for change in our marriage and the more I think about that, the more I know she is right.

You are SO RIGHT about all of us meeting people that "turn us on"...we wouldn't be human if that didn't happen right? I think one of the reasons why this has been so crazy for me, is that I'm in my early 40's and the OM is in his early 30s and HOT....it totally floored me. This has been a crazy time. I know what you mean about..."where was he when I was single?" (in my case, he was in middle school) Good grief!!! :o)

I can't tell you how much your input has helped. I just really needed to talk to a GUY about this. Believe me, I have a lot of girlfriends and they have been supportive, but there is something really cool about hearing how men think about things like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:01pm
If you ask me, I would have to vote no. Since there is already a physical attraction, there is going to be a great temptation to develop a relationship that is emotionally intimate, and that can ultimately be more intimate and destructive to the other relationshop she is in than just sleeping together.
Angela
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 6:32pm
That seems to be the consensus!! Have you ever been attracted to someone that you just can't get out of your mind? That's what I'm going thru. right now with the guy I turned down. I'm trying to focus on my marriage and making that work, but my mind and heart can't seem to forget this OM. I know it will take time. It's been over two months since I last spoke to him...and sometimes I just want to contact him so badly, it takes ALL of my strength not to!! Anyway, I know I've made the right decision and the hard part is just sticking to it. So far so good...By the way, he use to work at my office...so, of course, I still expect to see him everywhere!! Oh brother!!!

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