questions needing answered

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
questions needing answered
9
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 9:37am
What does it mean when after a guy breaks up with you and one day he misses you and the next day he doesn't miss you? And what does it mean when when he says he still has feelings for you and the next he doesn't think anything of you? Can a guy and girl after a break up still be friends? And also 2 more questions: After a break up you ask him if he'll ever call you again to go out and he reply's that he will. What does that mean? And also should a girl give her ex time to miss her before emailing or calling him again? These questions pertain to me. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and I'm so confused by his answers. I really need some answeres. thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 7:48pm
If a boyfriend broke up with me I generally would want no contact with him. If he contacted me I would respond only if he wanted to get back together, explained why it was a mistake to break up, and I was still interested and accepted the explanation - that way you don't need to analyze any other actions or words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 12:17am
My two cents, for what it's worth (Guys: feel free to jump in here and correct me if I'm wrong!):

"What does it mean when after a guy breaks up with you and one day he misses you and the next day he doesn't miss you? And what does it mean when when he says he still has feelings for you and the next he doesn't think anything of you?"

It means that guys think differently about love and dating than girls do. We girls tend to devote all of our energies and thoughts toward that love, like nothing else matters. It's all or nothing, all the time, or not at all. Guys don't think that way! It seems to me that their emotions, and what matters most to them at any single point in time, come and go like waves. If a guy loves you, it doesn't mean he has to be lovey-dovey for you ALL the time - sometimes he's busy with his car, or his friends, or whatever issue has his attention at the moment - but that love is still there, under the surface. It will surface again when his attention turns back to it.

"Can a guy and girl after a break up still be friends?"

Not in my experience. It may seem so for a while that the "friendship" is going just fine, but those emotions and memories will eventually cause friction, usually with the new GF or BF in your lives. I think there are some unusual people who can maintain a friendship after a breakup, but I believe it's best to just cut the ties and move on.

"After a break up you ask him if he'll ever call you again to go out and he reply's that he will. What does that mean?"

It means exactly what he said: He will. Guys tend to say exactly what they mean. It's us girls who try to read other meanings into people's words, and us girls who will say one thing and mean another, while expecting our guys to read our minds. !!!

"should a girl give her ex time to miss her before emailing or calling him again?"

If he's your ex, then he's your EX. There's no such thing as "calling him again." If you're just giving him time "to miss you," then you haven't really accepted the fact that you broke up. However, if you really believe the breakup was a mistake, and that he still has feelings for you, then YES - give him some space and time to think things over, and call him up for a casual chat to feel him out. Then ASK him.

Good luck.

Msfit



                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 12:00am
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but in my experience here are a few universal truths... (As always, results may vary and there may be exceptions. It is after all my universe I speak of.)

1. Getting back together is rarely a good idea. Usually whatever was wrong in the first place is still wrong, and it just gets covered up for a while by two people who care about each other and are trying to "make it work". The only way this truly works is if both people let the relationship go in its entirety and can truly start from a new place. This means no expectations of the prior relationship. And it has just as much chance of not working as it does of working.

2. While theoretically platonic friendships are a great idea, I've never maintained any with a member of the opposite sex who lived in the immediate vicinity. Sparks usually fly at some point and whether or not they're acted upon, they change the dynamic of the relationship. With an ex, it's almost an assurance. Passion was there before. It's only going to take one night out at a club before you're in an even more confusing position, and you'll be back here asking why he would sleep with you if he wasn't interested in getting back together.

3. The only thing that helps you get over a relationship is to truly let the other person go. Hold on to the lessons they were in your life to teach, but understand that not everyone is in our lives forever. Don't keep contacting him, and don't take contact from him. It'll only hurt you. One of my best friends broke up with someone recently. They work together and she has to see him every day. She wanted to remain friends, but last week he slept with her best friend at work. (They never came out about their relationship at work, so while he knew the relationship my friend had with the other girl, the girl didn't know he was my friend's ex until after.) She shouldn't have to know when he's sleeping with other people. I know you don't want to know that either.

I know this is so not what you want to hear, but trust me, one day you'll look back on this relationship with all of its bittersweetness and you'll be thankful that he was in your life. Work on you right now and what you need. It's only been a week. I know that feels like a year right now because you're hurting. It'll hurt for a while. It'll feel like a part of your body is missing, but that fades. One morning you'll wake up, and he won't be the first thing you think of. Maybe you'll have your coffee first. Then it'll be lunch before you wonder what he's doing. Some day you'll go months without thinking of him, and then he'll be on your mind for a little while. That's the part that never goes away.

You'll be strong again. You'll love again, and you'll likely be hurt again, but next time you'll know that you'll survive, and maybe it'll be a little easier. There is no pain more exquisite than that of a broken heart. But it is fleeting if you let it be.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'm very sorry you're going through this.

~Artie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 7:51am
Title: You get a hug just for being so great...

This was just the best thing...said with perfect balance and compassion. Here is a hug for you, for being kind enough to take the time to make the world a better place for someone else....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:05am
Oh my goodness, Gogo. You're going to make me cry.

Thanks.

~Artie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 9:49am
Hi

Thanks for your advice. I did give him time and his space and he emailed me and told me he misses me and is thinking of me and wants me to call him. I guess he realized what he was missing after a whole month. I'm anxious to talk to him and see him. It has been agonizing. I will see what he has to say after I speak to him before I see him.

Thank you again for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 11:56am
Title: Before you go running back, all giddy and assuming all is well...

You should give some thought to some things.

Do you know why you broke up in the first place? No...no...not why YOU THINK it happened...do you KNOW?? As in, the two of you have had a conversation about it? Because if the "problem" ain't "fixed", it is stil broke....meaning all you are doing is counting down time until your next break up.

2nd, if he "dumped" you (versus you dumping him) when you all broke up (I am assuming that is the case given that you're the one posting here), then he should be able to articulate why he made that decision, and if he feels differently now, and if he does, why. Pay attention here....if he can't answer these question...why the break up, does he feel differently, and why he feels differently, then you have absolutely no epirical edvindence that he isn't simply missing getting laid (versus missing you). Now, I know, you're thinking "he isn't like that...he wouldn't use me". He might not be like that...I'm not suggesting that he is CONSCIOUSLY saying "lets see how many booty rides I can get out of her before this thing is really dead"...I am saying that everyone misses the person they have been in a serious relationship with that didn't end with the use of sharp objects. The absence of that person in your life makes you miss them...that is NOT the same as wanting (or more importantly, being prepared for) a relationship with them.

3rd, to that vein (following up on the 2nd point) DO NOT make the mistake of assuming that you all are back together just because he wants to see you...and then wants to see you again...and even again. That can only lead to heartache when you find out he is dating other people waiting to meet someone special, all the while he is enjoying "being friends"...with benefits...with you. Imagine how you will feel the day he finally tells you that, oh, yeah, I'm seeing someone else. Not that it necessarily will go that way, but wouldn't you want to make sure it doesn't? The only way to make SURE of that is to HAVE A CONVERSATION about your relationship...and don't assume anything (read that again...DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING) that actually hasn't been agreed to. In case that wasn't plain enough for you, I am saying...DON'T THINK THAT THE FACT THAT YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX AGAIN MEANS YOU ARE AGAIN IN A RELATIONSHIP.

With all that said...best of luck to you....


Edited 4/30/2003 12:14:33 PM ET by gogobear

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 12:08pm
Nicely said GoGo.

Never assume anything when it comes to relationships. We all have different desires/wants/needs that we are trying to get fulfilled. We are all different people with different goals. Never asumme you want the same thing, and never assume a given actions means something more. Always get a verbal agreement.

Brokk...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 9:37am
Hi,

Thank you for your input. I do know why we broke up in the first place. He told me because it was our age difference since i'm 29 and him being 22. I have a child also. He told me it was the age difference and because I have a child and also i'm always busy because i'm a physician that works part time and that it would never work between us. He just graduated college. So I let him have his space for a week and a half. He didn't use me i know that for sure. Now all of a sudden I'm getting instant messages from him telling me he misses me a lot and is thinking about me and for me to call him. I instant messenged him back telling him i missed him so much too and was thinking about him too and that i will call him. I think he wants me back and realizes that he lost a really sweet girl and now he is trying to worm his way back slowly. I did call him last night. We talked for a little bit but we didn't talk about wanting to see each other so i asked him what he was doing Saturday and he was going out of state to see his friends that live in the next state and will be back Monday or Tuesday. He did mention that he was going to see his friends to me a month ago. He sounded like he wanted to see me. When we do talk on the phone it is for not for long. He even called me "HONEY". He is so hard to get a hold of sometimes and we end up playing phone tag with voice mail. I am not getting my hopes up because i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride. If he wants to see me when he gets back then I'll see him and when and if we see each other that's when I will sit down with him and have a nice long chat about our relationship. Because I still have a lot of unanswered questions. Have you ever been thru this type of relationship before? Write back. Thank you