Really don't know how to say "no"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Really don't know how to say "no"
10
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 3:12pm
I'm not an assertive person!

He askes me to come over to spend time with him & I don't know how to say "No." He keeps saying "I miss you a lot." And I get suckered into going to visit him.

I don't want to visit him because he's:
* rude - blames me for everything
* controling - questions my every move & wants to see me too much

I am attached to him & love him because:
* he is a very passionate lover
* we cuddle a lot
* I see his control as logically wrong but I seem to like it. It shows love & concern.

He is also extremely quiet. I'm a writer and would like a more articulate & vocal boyfriend.

I don't see myself able to leave or him letting me go. And please don't say to me "You're gona break his heart." He is going on a trip for 10 days without me, just guys. We are both equally committed & uncommitted.

I plan to get articles published online while he's gone. I will have the time if every other night I'm not asked to be with him.

Don't get me wrong. I love & need him a lot!

***Should I stay in a non-serious relationship so I can keep him? But if its not serious, why should I wait for him to vacation to be myself? Aren't non-serious relationships suppose to allow freedom?

***Should I leave (granted a miracle)? And see where life takes me and meet another man who is more compatiable?

Something about me: I'm not close with my family. Old fashion Asian cultures are not affectionate & loving. I got no presents for my bday and no phone calls. But its a lifestyle I accept. My family loves me, in a different way.

And this guy is affectionate & has a loving family. I am a fantastic friend to my friends. They're family to me. But if I leave him, even with my friends, I will feel a part of me missing.

I've thought about it. I would just stay busy & having fun 24-7. I would then be confident & productive.

THEN when I fall short of being a busy robot, I will feel empty. Text him. He would ask me to come over...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
I read through your post and this is all I have to know to give you my advice:

"I don't want to visit him because he's:
* rude - blames me for everything
* controlling - questions my every move & wants to see me too much"

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

By no means should you ever hold on to a guy if he's got these two traits. I don't care if he's got every other nice trait, these are enough to cancel out any good.

Why do you NEED him? He does not sound like a good candidate for you at all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I for one, am not going to say "you're gonna break his heart".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008

I see gianormous neon red flag...you are in a toxic relationship...how can you love someone who controls you and you want to say no to but dont?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

The big mistake I see here is that you equate his being controlling w/ love & concern when it is actually the opposite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
You have really only positive things to say about breaking up with him, and fairly irrelevant positive things to say about staying with him (passionate lover, cuddles a lot---as if this is the only man who knows how to do this).

My suggestion is you'd probably find much more success, both professional and personal, if you break it off with this man altogether.

Best of luck,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005

Your post made me feel so sad. Could it be that you're holding on to this guy because you never felt loved by your family and you don't really know how it feels to be loved ?

One psychologist once told me that you get the type of love you think you deserve. And I guess that if you never felt loved by your parents (the first people who teach us about love), you probably don't think you deserve better. You can leave this guy and you have all the right to do so. It's rare that someone is 100% bad, even bad partners have some good qualities, but if you are controlled and blamed for things and feel that you can't be yourself, nothing else really compensates for that.

I would suggest to visit either Relationship problems or Toxic relationship board. There are people there who seem to know quite a lot about psychology and can suggest you books to read to work on yourself. Or if you can, just go see a psychologist who could help you to take a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
I like your response the most! (sireanita)

I met him online and we had sex on the first date. And since then, we just had lots of good sex and little going out. We had deep conversations over the phone & in person. He said he cares about me, loves me and wants more.

I believe his feelings for me. But only so much. How much can he love me if he controls me and manipulates me?

I am 26 years old and I am looking to date my future husband!

He is going on a trip for 10 days. And I told him Friday I want to hang out with my best friend. He wanted me to hang out everyday of every weekend until he is gone. Yes...! I believe that he needs me that much....BUT it's on his terms, NOT mine! Everything we do, it's all about him. He picks the movies we see. He sets the time I need to show up at his house. And when I am late/early, he gets angry. He makes me sleep a certain position to cuddle him to sleep.

Yes...! I am attached to him. I "seek the love I think I deserve" since my mother was controlling and that was the kind of love I was given. Being with him would be like trying to change my mother, but just change my lover. I can't change my mother. I won't change him.

I was under the impression: We have great sex, he loves me & there are deep feelings....so it's the state I want. So I will learn to accept him, like I accept my mother. My mother thinks only of herself....my needs come 2nd and she has said that in words....that I don't need to write out.

So, since I told him....I am going out Fri night and don't want to come to his house....he told me that it's because I don't want to be with him. And for the other 4 days before his trip, he doesn't want to see me since I canceled Fri.

I just told him, "Okay" End of conversation.

Mid May, he will be back and that's when he wants to see me. IF he still loves me and wants me, I'm in a tough position. Because I can't say "no" to him....

I want to get a good grade on my 2 midterms...my last year of college. I want to spend time with my friends without permission. I would have lots of time to be myself. I use to be so excited when I hear from him but now it's like "now what?" It's like I need him and I don't. He makes me very happy and very very miserable, hurt & worthless.

In Mid May, I want to say "no!"



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

My heart goes out to you, it sounds like you have a tough time standing up for yourself. In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to stand up for ourselves... We would date men who take care of us, treat us well, and make us feel safe and comfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008

It did feel good to say "no!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

Excellent book recommendation for you - I think it will help you out:

The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
by Beverly Engel




http://www.amazon.com/Nice-Girl-Syndrome-Manipulated-Standing/dp/0470179384
(read the reviews)