REALLY trying but truly Hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
REALLY trying but truly Hurting.
14
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:03pm

So it has been a total of 10 days actually now that I really count the days since my BF and I broke up. I am sooooooo hurting more than EVER...and I actually at times feel like it backfired on me (the break up, even though he initiated it) becuase I was tired of him always coming back after breaking up then coming back to me just a few days later I always gave in and this time i didnt...Im hurting and missing him so much more than he misses and loves me, that's even if he does.

Today while walking to work I finally accepted the reality that he isnt coming back I almost wanted to just walk back home and crawl in a hole and die. All becuase like the weak person Ive allowed myself to be; these past 10 days without one call or sign from him I still somewhere inside me kept believing he would call or would randomly just show up at my door.

..... Well it hasn't happened and I now realize it wont. Or he would have by now considering he never went past 2 days without contact. After 5 1/2 yrs I finally realize he has truly let me go.

My battle is no longer with him, but with the saddness within that is eating me up alive. I feel hopelessly depressed Im doing all that I can do to live life without him. nothing seems to help. How can a man so easily walk away ..we didnt even break up on decent terms...Im driving myself crazy....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:16pm

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That hurts so badly.

"Today while walking to work I finally accepted the reality that he isnt coming back I almost wanted to just walk back home and crawl in a hole and die."
Yeah... That's about what acceptance feels like. It's heart-wrenching.

You are grieving right now and everything you're feeling is understandable and okay. It WILL get better! But it's going to really hurt for a while. I suggest that maybe you should read up on the stages of grief. Grieving the loss of a relationship is very similar to grieving the death of a loved one. You'll make it through this, you really will. Believe in yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 5:00pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 6:09pm

I have been trying everything i can do. Believe me I realize as each day passes why im better off.

It just hurts so much we were together for soooo long lived with each other as spouses for yrs, had shared bank accounts, his whole family called me his wife and Im very close with his mother, we at one point we inseparable. I really thought he was the one, but these last few months havent been right with our porblems and way we resolved them and maybe we could of worked thru it all but we went about it the wrong way, and now were where are - Broken up.

So at this point Im just hurting deeply and have been doin what I can. Thanks for the advice thou, i need whatever I can get. Also you would be proud I went shopping and did my nails and sported my cute self at a few places this weekend. It made a world of a difference. Its the week nights home alone when the saddness starts to hit me, but I am trying to do what I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 6:35pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 7:16pm

Everyone has given you great advise............what you should also do is exercise - try

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 8:14pm

that's my mission!!

I guess now that I have accepted the reality Im ready to mourn it out till the feeling fades. Its been so long since I have been thru a break up, i forget the strength it takes from you just to heal. He is my longest relationship, and I still love him deeply so I fear how long and what saddness episodes await me. I remember my last ex of 2 yrs it took 3 yrs just to get over him.(literally)

I don't want fear too eat me up and Im pretty good at keeping occupied so far, but any alone time is true misery. Even though its been 9 days since break up day and since he and I have spoken.....i feel like now that I have accepted our end, This is really day one for me.

I do hope for the best because I know I may have been weak with the way I allowed our relationship to proceed but deep inside there is a strong woman inside me. I just need to find her again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 4:24am
How are you doing today, Special?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 1:00am

I havent been doing well these last 3 days. I actually went to san francisco with friends over the weekend and did all I could do to make the best of things but couldnt help but remembering my ex considering the city we were staying in Haywrd right by oakland not far form san francisco is where his ex use to sta and still does with him for 3 yrs so i couldnt help but get sad becuase I still havent heard from him now its been 16 days tomorrow makes 17 days with no contact and its eating me up for 3 days now its terrible and his BDAY is this thrusday...No one has seen him and even his mom doesnt know his where abouts other than he is in a city kinda close about 20 mins aways if not 30 mins, calls her from a payphone to tell her he's okay

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:37pm

SO he finally called me and it was devastation. I couldn't believe he finally called and all he did was accuse me of sleeping with people having guys over he claimed his friends are telling him Im with guys and that theyre sleeping over etc which i know is untrue becuase i havent!!!! he said he is happy im not in his life he didnt like they way i made him feel and i dont have to worry about him anymore that he is happy being on his own I asked for friendship he declined and asked me if im still friends with a girl he hates I told him i was and then he hung up. Thats was the end .

Im so sad it was terrible. I spent my whole time trying to prove myself and my love and nothing i said matter.i couldn't believe it after so many days that I have been waiting I couldn't help it either I was at work and noticed he called me from a familiar payphone # and when i picked up it was him. It was terror I feel so sick and confused. Why accuse me?? he is the one I think was staying in pasadena all this time with some other girl(no hard evidence but still my gut and pieces i put together)he called me a liar and told me this is my chance to tell him the truth if I had been with any guys and if I didn't tell him he would never speak to me again. He even made me put it on my cats life and I did to prove to him i was being honest and he still was so awful to me, and still accused me I feel so so sad and dont kno what to think I know he is back in town at least for the moment cuz he can so easily dissapear again as he has these last what 19, 20 days. I know I should be thankful he is out of my life but cant help but to feel like it isnt right how he came at me he even tried to say I was the one that broke up with him. I feel like it was a battle a straight war zone on the phone it was the last thing I wanted. I wanted him to remember how sweet how great i was to him and he didnt even let me show that side of me he had me on defensive mode trying to prove myself innocent for something i never did! i dont even know how to think or what to think all I can think and I rather be honest becuase I need the advice is: i cant help but to think that he is out there thinking all these terrible things of me, and it seems like nothing will make him stop these thoughts and hanging up on me left me helpless with no chance to prove myself anymore at all, but then again it didnt even matter when i was telling him the truth so i guess being on the phone any longer wouldnt have made a difference. He kept asking what have I learned from this? from him leaving? i didnt even know how to respond other than with That i still love him and that my love hasnt died but that he did me wrong by leaving the way he did. he reply was I dint learn nothing then! and he didnt want me back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 4:18pm

Sorry to say, but you're better off without him. Someone that could treat you like this after having been together for so long is a jerk!



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

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