Reopened lines of communication with ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Reopened lines of communication with ex
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 2:10pm

After a bad end to our relationship and 3 months of no contact my ex boyfriend contacted me after we saw each other at the same social event.

I had declined to attend a party being held at his house a few days after this event and he emailed me to tell me it was nice to see me the other day, that he hoped I was doing well. He was disappointed that I wasn't going to the party and said he'll try to find a day that works for me to have another party.

I did respond to tell him that it was also nice to see him, that I'm doing the best I can and that I hope he's also doing well.  I mentioned that it was good he was using his bike this summer (we had talked about that when we last saw each other) and that the weather cooperated for the party that I didn't attend.  

A friend tells me that we are handling things maturely and that communication is now reopened for us.  I haven't heard from him since my email.  Is this something that I just have to be patient about or can I send him another email to keep communication going?  Someone told me I have to make it really hard for him but that seems counter-productive if you want to re-establish communciation.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 2:28pm

Is your goal here to just have civil conversations in case you run into each other at social events or to try to get him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 8:47pm

I would like to first have us talking again as friends and hopefully we can get close again.  I still have feelings for him and I know he still cares about me, there were more good memories than bad between us.  He did hurt me by ended our relationship, but I know he was also reacting to his fears and insecurities.  My friends and I talked about whether he is wolf disguised as a nice guy or a nice guy who did harm, and we concluded he would be the second description. 

I'm told I'm to make him work for it if he does want me back.  But I know him, he's also the guy who asked for permission to kiss me when we first dated.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 8:54am

Read what you wrote just a while ago.  Why do you want to get back with him?!!

"Then after returning from a month away on business he decided to end our relationship.  His reason is that I'm emotionally closed off.  I didn't understand because I thought things were fine and we both loved each other.  He told me that I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  That even though I tell him that I love him, he says I don't express it.  He was upset that he opened his heart to me and he took my less dramatic signs of love as apprehension.  I wanted to work things out with him so we can both understand each other better but he said he wasn't sure.  In an effort to reassure him I wrote him a love letter telling him how I've always felt about him, how I've shown my love for him, and that we can work through this (remembering his comment about conflict).  What he didn't know was that I was planning on giving him a special night like he had given me.  I didn't know that waiting a few weeks after my birthday when I got a job and a paycheck would be too long for him.  

His response to me is that my letter didn't elevate him (his words), that we're not the same in heart and mind, that we live a different life, and not wanting to go into details with me, he tells me that I need to find myself and that it will serve me well.  It was like he was telling me I had my chance and I blew it. 

I showed his letter to some friends and they told me he wrote a condescending letter to me, telling me that he's better and wiser than me.  I didn't understand how he could declare his love for me, tell him he saw a future with me, that he wanted children with me , and then just take it all away.  It seems like if he really did love me and wanted to be with me, he would have been more patient, understanding and willing to put in the effort to make our relationship work".  

You are incapable of being "as friends" as long as you still have feelings for him.  If he did not put in the efforts to make the relationship work before, what makes you think he will this time?  

"I would like to first have us talking again as friends and hopefully we can get close again.  I still have feelings for him and I know he still cares about me, there were more good memories than bad between us".

These are good memories?

"He presses me to express myself and I start thinking there's something wrong with me.  I started thinking that I'm not worthy of him and I felt guilty". 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 9:41am

Didn't you recently say he slapped your hand so hard it stung at the volleyball game. Didn't you see he insulted you when he broke up with you? Women who still want a man after this sort of treatment are usually lacking in self esteem and subconsciously think this is all they deserve in life. My advice is to work on your self esteem by getting books from the library on this subject, or attend counseling. After 3 months, what magically has changed in your ex that you think he'll be a decent person? Guys like this contact exes to get an exciting wham bam thank you ma'am encounter. The success rate is extremely low for couples breaking up and getting back together. There's a reason people broke up, and unless there is some great epiphany, soul searching, and real work on how a good relationship works, then the pattern will repeat itself. Running away from the relationship since the other person's not good enough to work it out with, or the other person doesn't have it in him to have a long term relationship.

Be your own best friend and delete him from your contact list and from your mind. It's better to be alone than with someone who talks down to you. You're not happy in your present so you're looking to your past for happiness. It's not there. Move forward without the ex. You can't open the front door when you have your foot stuck in the back door. Good luck.