Roller Coaster "relationship"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Roller Coaster "relationship"?
3
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:16pm
Okay, this is going to be a long one...

I met this guy Chris right as I was ending a relationship with someone else. He is in the military and has several "civilian" jobs (working at least 60-80 hours a week) and I met him dancing alone in a night club. I even picked up a "I have been hurt before" vibe from him (it seemed like he was trying to busy himself with work so that he wouldn't think about relationships right now). Anyway, we completely connected, talking for hours on end. We were also very sexually attracted to one another and began a very fulfilling sexual relationship. He told me that he isn't looking for a girlfriend-type relationship, he wants to start as friends and see where it goes (if it goes) but he also wanted us to be sleeping exclusively with one another. Like I said, we got very close very fast, then he didn't call for about a week and when he did he said he hadn't called because he figured I needed more time to get over stuff with my recent ex. (We never really talked about the ex, but he knew I was just getting out of a relationship.) The ex and I had lived together for a short while, but he was still in the apartment for a while when I began seeing Chris (which aparently upset Chris, especially since he commented on it). He pulled away, not wanting to get hurt (a male friend explained to me that Chris was probably afraid that he would get the call that I was back with the ex or something similar). Our relationship then became primarily sexual, and whenever any conversations did occur he would get intimate then freak out for a while. Finally by the end of January, he had broke his wrist and then invited me over and I took care of him and then I left... and didn't hear from him again.

Well, about a month ago I accidentally called his cell phone (his name is right below my uncles and I meant to call my uncle) and didn't realize it until I got his voicemail. I left a message saying hi and that I would like to be friends.

Last week he called my back... to my surprise (I had figured I would never hear from him again). He called me after a night shift and wanted to see me. I had errands to run, so I told him I would meet him for lunch. We spent a good 4 hours together talking and talking about everything (primarily our views on marriage, love, relationships, etc. which is not usually a conversation you have with "just a friend" of the opposite sex). It was actually the most intimate conversation we had ever had. We didn't talk about us being in a relationship... I think it is way too soon to jump into anything. The poor guy sacrificed his sleep just to keep talking to me, he had been awake since 5 the night before and had to be at work again at 9 that night.

Now here is my question, what is going on with him? He is definitally a nice guy (vs a player or anything similar) he is just like a scared turtle. Is there hope that this relationship will someday turn into something viable or am I just wasting my time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:28pm
Wow. You say a lot of things which are counter to other things. For example...

"We spent a good 4 hours together talking and talking about everything (primarily our views on marriage, love, relationships, etc. which is not usually a conversation you have with "just a friend" of the opposite sex)."

This was said, shortly after telling us you had a primarily sexual relationship with him. "Just Friends", by definition does not include sex. Most people refer to that as "Friends with Benefits", or f*ck buddies. There is nothing wrong with that situation, but it's not "just friends".

"Our relationship then became primarily sexual, and whenever any conversations did occur he would get intimate then freak out for a while."

What do you mean by that?

He's sounds a bit like I was when I was getting out of my first marriage. I was paranoid about being "trapped" in a relationship again. I just wanted to have fun, and not really get deeply involved. I needed time to find my balance again, before I would be ready for another "real" relationship. Sounds like he's been hurt, and is trying to protect himself. He doesn't know what he wants, be he knows what he is afraid of.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:37pm
What I meant was that we would be mostly just sex, then when we did talk he would open up a little and then he would freak out later (i.e. not returning phone calls for a while, avoid any remotely "deep" conversations for a while, etc.).

I agree with you, he seems like he is just scared to death to be in a relationship, but I think he has made it fairly obvious that he sees me as more then just a friend. Maybe his telling me that he wants to be friends first (then hormones added the "exclusive f**k buddies", which he asked for) then to see where things go from there is his way of starting a snails pace relationship.

He is a great guy and I really do like him alot. I don't think that we are or ever were "just friends", I just think that for him it is safer to say that we are just friends. I just need to know if this will ever go anywhere.

Is it possible that he will be able to work through his fear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:32am
I think anything is possible but I think he was honest with you from the beginning and you are trying to read into his behavior/conduct since he hasn't said he wants anything else. If I really cared for someone and wanted a committed relationship I would tell them and make it abundantly clear - particularly since it takes so few words to say so. The issue is whether you want to be with someone who refuses to say those simple words and seems scared to death - how do you decide whether he is scared to death of all relationships or just scared to death of a relationship with you?