says he loves me but doesn't show it
Find a Conversation
says he loves me but doesn't show it
| Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:17pm |
Hi I have a question that really needs to be cleared up for me if anyone could help. My bf says he loves me and I have told him many times that I need him to show me more by hugs and kisses. He only tells me he loves me when I say it first, typical I'm sure of men. I beg him to hug me more, I've cried and told him how I need to feel that love from him and he says he does love me and that he shows me in other ways. And I must say he does do those other things for me and I love and appreciate them tremendously however I need that touch that he has. When he hugs me I feel that all is ok with the world. I don't know if b/c he knows that, he uses it against me or what. There is a lot of past between us and we've agreed that we don't want to live there in the past but sometimes I think he just trying to be mean by withholding his affection. Just last night I poured my heart out to him and told him I feel depressed and I was trying hard not to let it affect our relationship but if he could just hold me a little more often lately I know it would make me feel better but still today nothing has changed. He hasn't hugged me once and when I was crying he never hugged me then either. I got so angry last night when i was telling him how i felt and he layed on sofa with his eyes closed that i picked up our large heavy coffee table and threw it across the room. i've never ever been so frustrated in my life and i'm ashamed and embarassed that i did that but still there was no reaction. He told me last night that sometimes he just doens't care if I'm having a bad day. He doesn't care is all I heard. So from all of that what's up with him? Is it obvious he doesn't want me and I'm hoping so bad that's not the case that I'm denying the truth? Is there no hope? I don't know anymore.
Robin
Robin

Pages
Well, he either doesn't love you, is incapable of loving you the way you need to be loved or is deliberately hurting you. There is no excuse for dismissing your feelings the way he did. You're obviously struggling and looking to him for support and reassurance. Telling you that he doesn't care if you're having a bad day couldn't make it any clearer that he doesn't care.
Throwing a table across the room is in no way going to help your cause. You're frustrated, you want something he can't or won't give you, that's understandable but I would recommend reading a book on relationships. Learn how to understand men and how they communicate their feelings. As for the past that you think you've left behind you somewhere, it's still there and until you deal with whatever it is, it will haunt you through this relationship and maybe your next.
Bottom line - if it doesn't feel right something IS wrong! I will also add that you sound a bit needy and maybe what you need to do is cultivate your inner strength and purpose separate from him. Guys get smothered by too much neediness. Expecting support is one thing NEEDING your hand held is something else. Not all guys are physically affectionate - they can learn to be but this guy doesn't seem to care to.
Robin
It's not your job to make his life better, nor should you just let him slide if he's being disrespectful and inconsiderate just to avoid conflict. Compromising "for him" is also not a good idea. Healthy relatioships are give and take and compromises do not cost you anything emotionally.
Why have you given up your independence and sense of self for this guy? He will continue to get away with what he can get away with and the only person you can count on to see to your best interests is you.
I have a friend who worries far too much about what men want, what they need, how they think, what they feel but the only way you will ever find happiness is if you spend more energy figuring out what fulfills you. (Hint - it's NOT HIM) You will never be happy with any man if you are compromising yourself.
Hi thanks a bunch. I appreciate your clear cut responses. Tell it like it is is best. I think in my mind if I'm too strong then he'll think I don't need him and then I'll never get any affection. He has told me before that my positive self confidence is what attracted me to him so I need to do better at that. Thanks again, I think you're pretty cool.
take care
Robin
He sounds a little like an ex of mine. My ex told me how much he loved my independance and confidence and then he did everything he could to undermine it.
Something struck me in one of your posts. The bit about you being afraid he won't feel needed, I think. My ex couldn't distinguish between being loved and being needed. They are two VERY different things and it's important to a healthy relationship that both parties understand the difference.
I agree with mystic, focus on yourself and stop compromising so much at your emotional expense.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt... I will say this, if you need a hug ask for one. My husband often doesn't realize when I need a hug; but, he's mor ethne happen to give me them whenever I ask or when I just wlak up and hug him. Sometimes even when I'm crying he doesn't hug me. It isn't about him not wanting to offer to comfort me it's about not being sure how to sometimes.
I have to say, as a guy, hugging someone when they are upset or angry is the last thing I want to do. I want to go away, leave the area, walk out. Anything to get away from the negativity and pain. That's the instinct. Staying and sticking it out is hard enough. Actually approaching and risking body contact is practically unthinkable.
My wife has told me many times how physical contact when she's upset is *always* the right thing to do. I've also had her lash out at me many times for attempting it "DON'T TOUCH ME!" So it's hard hard to deal with the opposite signals. It's kind of like sticking your hand in the mouth of a dog that is growling at you. You can tell someone it's the right thing, but in their head it screams "wrong!".
Brokk...
Boy - damned if you do and damned if you don't huh?
I think a good general guideline here is if she's mad at you - it's hands off until you make it better. If she's mad at someone else or upset about something else approaching her would be much safer.
I'm at a point in my life where I'd just seek what I wanted.
Just to be clear you don't actually leave the room do you? :)
I think a lot of men feel exactly the same way you do and have had similar negative experiences in comforting their SO. That's why it's really important for women to communicate clearly that it is something they want and need when it is something they do.
We girls have a tendancy to think you guys are mind readers and can interpet the subtle differnces in our moods and changes in our needs. The sooner we recognize that you aren't and start being clear and actually communicting verbally instead of hinting the sooner our relationships often improve.
Of course, the same can be said for men. You guys do tend to do the same thing to us, perhaps just slightly less often. ;-)
This must be why those TV shrinks are always harping on communication skills being the key to a healthy relationship.
"Just to be clear you don't actually leave the room do you?"
Nope. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have left a room because of an argument. Thinks have to get pretty abusive before I'll walk out. However, I've had people walk out on me plenty of times. Which is also an oddity. I walk out because I need space/time to breathe and calm down. I'll go back when I'm ready, don't come chasing after me. Women seem to walk out and expect men to follow and comfort them. Not too soon, because they are upset and just want to be left alone. They need some undefined period of time alone, after which the guy is supposed to come comfort them. I never seem to figure out that that exact timing is. So I tend to get in trouble for that as well. "Don't you even care? Why didn't you come to me if you knew I was hurt and upset?"
Brokk...
I know there are women like that but I just can't relate. When I want to be left alone - I want to be left alone - if I need comfort and understanding - I'll ask for it.
Pages