Scared & Confused??? I Can't Tell...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Scared & Confused??? I Can't Tell...
5
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 2:57pm
Ok...I was involved with someone for about 6 mos. and we called it off due to bad timing. Long story short, we are working together, therefore M-F is tough and we are always around each other. Well the last few months we did good not communicating, but being civil. We both had very deep feelings and still do come to find out.

The problem has become he tells me he loves me, but is scared to get involved again. He is going through a custody battle with his x-wife, and I think she has really made him question being in a relationship again.

Anyway...he claims he's scared and doesn't know what he wants. I told him I was willing to go slow and start over. He says he only wants to be friends, but then asks me on a date and kisses me. Then he says he wants to be friends again, but then tells me he loves me and is scared. What do I do?

Should I just keep going with the flow or tell him friends don't say they love each other? I mean I'm so confused. I know he's scared and hurt, but man...he's really messing with me.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 3:49pm
Why are you letting yourself be messed with? It sounds like he is not yet divorced, which means he is still legally married. Tell him not to contact you until he knows that he wants an exclusive relationship with only you - ignore him at work as much as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 4:29pm
Thank you. He's been separated for 2 yrs. so I guess I let that determine it was over, but you are right. Until it's over in writing... you never know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:38pm
He has no right to be messing with your feelings, the way that he is. Just think of the negative impact he is having on your feelings, your emotions. This is not right. I think, you should tell him to leave you alone for a while, that YOU need to sort out your feelings also.

You have rights too - not everything revolves around him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:33pm
separated means that he is still legally married and why be with a married man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:34pm
I wouldn't be so hard on him as the other posters have been. Going through a divorce is akin to your world falling apart. Anyway, he's in a *really* bad place emotionally right now. He probably has nothing to really give you. But in his woundedness he probably is reaching out for some comfort. I don't think that makes him a bad guy.

As for "messing with you" - I would get over that. Realize where he is at emotionally and make your decisions based on what he can offer right now - not in the future. If that is not enough then you have to move on.

I would not at all advise you to stay involved with him. I would move on and let him know that if after he has divorced and has time to heal he is still interested in a relationship, to give you a call.

I was involved with a *separated* man. It was a disaster. We are together now but only becuase I broke things off and let a significant amount of time past post his divorce before we resumed a relationship