seems like a boyfriend, but he keeps calling me his friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
seems like a boyfriend, but he keeps calling me his friend...
8
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 4:53am

I wasn't so sure where to post so I decided to start a new discussion. I've been involved with this guy for about 4 months now. He's told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. When I would express my feelings to him, he would say that for him it's like anything... I don't know what that actually means. I'm sensing that it means he really doesn't care if I'm there one way or the other. I've told  him that my feelings are there anyway and asked him to be considerate. He's told me he's only been seeing me. He hasn't slept with anyone else since we started.

I know it's crazy to be sleeping together without having an actual relationship but we started out having sex on the first night, and I wouldn't know how to just take it away all of a sudden. The problem now is that I want it to be more than just sex. He comes over sometimes, he invites me to his place sometimes.We've gone out dancing a couple times. It's not always for sex though. He invites me even when he is hanging with some friends of his. We cuddle a lot. We watch movies together..  I noticed when he has extra time, like a day off, or he skips the gym he'll call me to hang with me. He's even come over on weekends to spend the night instead of partying all night like he had been when we first met. He was always always at the strip clubs and bars. He still goees out, and I never complained about him calling me afterwards. I'm actually glad that he calls me at 3am when the parties over, I know I have his attention. He's called me to make personal annoncements like about family things. He sends me music lyric videos of songs that remind him of me. It seems almost as if it was a relationship, but I'm not understanding why he doesn't want the title.

 When his friend or a family member calls and he mentions he's with me he always refer to me as his friend. Is he just scared?

Does the boyfriend title really matter?  It's weird because I have asked him before if he would like to have me as a girlfriend and he says yes.. but .... then why does he still refer to me as his friend? At some point, a little over a month ago he said he was having some trust issues because of certain people i hung out with that day, (he thought that I might try to set him up.) but this weekend that passed, he says everythings good, that he trusts me again. I would like any advice how to go about the talk I guess. I don't really know what to say.

 It's not like I'm not happy with the way things are. I am. It's just weird. Oh and he also mentioned to me he said "why do you think I haven't brought you to family parties? because then people would automatically assume that you're my girl". and I'm like yeah.........it's so confusing.

 

Also when we first started seeing eachother, like about a month in, a friend of his claimed that I used to go to his house at night. Which is true but it was friendly, non-sexual and it was after work to hang out a little, I've explained this to him and he seems to believe me, but I'm thinking this might be taking a big role in why he won't actually call me his girlfriend.

Could it be he's embarassed what his friend will say? How can I reassure him that I'm not anyone's leftovers, it's very hard to believe in our society today. I know he's used to seeing girls all over the place fooling around with diff guys at the same time, but I'm actually interested in being with him only

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

I've read this same scenario on these boards so many times. It starts with the guy saying, "I'm not ready for a relationship," then proceeds to sort of have one with you, leaving you confused. When you try to make your mostly sexual relationship into a committed relationship, he can always say "I told you I wasn't ready." It's like he's read you your Miranda Rights in the beginning, and that's just too bad for you if you want more.

You say you're happy with the relationship, but you really aren't. You want to be his girlfriend, not just his "friend." There's nothing in the world wrong with wanting that. But you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have one.

I'm not sure how old the two of you are--it sounds like you are in your 20s, with him going to strip clubs and partying with his friends all night. He doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship to me.

When a man says he's not ready for a relationship, believe him. That's your cue to walk away. You might want to think about why you are willing to accept the crumbs that he is offering you. I think you deserve more, don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Confusion is only when reality doesn't match what a person wants. If he wanted a relationship at any point with you, you wouldn't have spent this long unsure of the situation.
 
He has made it very clear that this is, at best, a friends with benefits scenario and Florida said it perfectly - it's as if he read you the Miranda Rights so when he bails, he'll just say - but I told you this would happen. Guessing he may be embarrassed what his friends think? Only if he's a wimp or 12 years old.
 
Not sure of the appeal of Strip Club Bar Guy is (and I hope that you wouldn't think that if you officially actually did start dating that these activities would change), but this is going nowhere and it's all up to you of how long you want to cling to it. Four more months or 4 years, the outcome will be the same. The damage is your life being held up from meeting someone who you both would want to be in a relationship together.
 
I would suggest making yourself clear that you want to be in a relationship and when he is ready, then he should contact you and take you on dates, if you're still available. Guys with the dating effort to impress you, are the guys truly interested in you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If someone ever said to me that he didn't want to take me to meet his family because they would think I was his GF (and he obviously doesn't want that) I would be incredibly insulted and would break things off with him immediately.  If you are willing to accept a casual scenario which involves hanging around with him and having sex, then keep this up.  It really is a FWB--I mean, that's basically what a FWB is, right?  Two people who are friendly to each other, hang out & have sex, but don't really have a relationship & haven't made any promises beyond that.  Its' very low expectations.  And don't kid yourself--a guy who calls you at 3:00 am after the bars have closed is calling you because he wants sex and  you're have such low expectations for yourself that you think that's ok.  Personally I would not allow someone to call me at a very late hour like that.  If a guy wants to go out with his friends, that's fine, but don't expect me to be sitting around waiting for your call.  I'll either go out with my friends and do what I want, but then don't bother me, or if I'm home, I'd be in bed sleeping & would not want to be woken up.  I don't think it's any kind of compliment to have some stupid drunk guy calling me late at night.  What I do think is a compliment is having a guy who I have been involved with for 4 months say to me "I really like you and want to have an exclusive relationship with you & like you so much that I want to introduce you to all my friends & family so they can see how great you are too."  Not that people really say that out loud usually, but in a relationship, a guy would not keep you hidden--he would be introducing you to people.  The fact that he won't let you meet his family says that he doesn't think much of you--you're fine for sex, but some day he is going to meet a girl that he wants a relationship with and it's probably not going to be you.  so now is the time to think about what you want in a man--do you want someone who is ashamed of you & tells you that he thinks you're not good enough to be his GF?  I bet that's not what you want.  So you tell him that you deserve better than how he is treating you & you're going to go out & find another man who actually wants a GF.  And don't have sex on the first date next time.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

sheslikethewind wrote:
<p>I wasn't so sure where to post so I decided to start a new discussion. I've been involved with this guy for about 4 months now. He's told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. When I would express my feelings to him, he would say that for him it's like anything... I don't know what that actually means. I'm sensing that it means he really doesn't care if I'm there one way or the other. I've told  him that my feelings are there anyway and asked him to be considerate. He's told me he's only been seeing me. He hasn't slept with anyone else since we started.</p><p>I know it's crazy to be sleeping together without having an actual relationship but we started out having sex on the first night, and I wouldn't know how to just take it away all of a sudden. The problem now is that I want it to be more than just sex. He comes over sometimes, he invites me to his place sometimes.We've gone out dancing a couple times. It's not always for sex though. He invites me even when he is hanging with some friends of his. We cuddle a lot. We watch movies together..  I noticed when he has extra time, like a day off, or he skips the gym he'll call me to hang with me. He's even come over on weekends to spend the night instead of partying all night like he had been when we first met. He was always always at the strip clubs and bars. He still goees out, and I never complained about him calling me afterwards. I'm actually glad that he calls me at 3am when the parties over, I know I have his attention. He's called me to make personal annoncements like about family things. He sends me music lyric videos of songs that remind him of me. It seems almost as if it was a relationship, but I'm not understanding why he doesn't want the title.</p><p> When his friend or a family member calls and he mentions he's with me he always refer to me as his friend. Is he just scared?</p><p>Does the boyfriend title really matter?  It's weird because I have asked him before if he would like to have me as a girlfriend and he says yes.. but .... then why does he still refer to me as his friend? At some point, a little over a month ago he said he was having some trust issues because of certain people i hung out with that day, (he thought that I might try to set him up.) but this weekend that passed, he says everythings good, that he trusts me again. I would like any advice how to go about the talk I guess. I don't really know what to say.</p><p> It's not like I'm not happy with the way things are. I am. It's just weird. Oh and he also mentioned to me he said "why do you think I haven't brought you to family parties? because then people would automatically assume that you're my girl". and I'm like yeah.........it's so confusing.</p><p> </p><p>Also when we first started seeing eachother, like about a month in, a friend of his claimed that I used to go to his house at night. Which is true but it was friendly, non-sexual and it was after work to hang out a little, I've explained this to him and he seems to believe me, but I'm thinking this might be taking a big role in why he won't actually call me his girlfriend.</p><p>Could it be he's embarassed what his friend will say? How can I reassure him that I'm not anyone's leftovers, it's very hard to believe in our society today. I know he's used to seeing girls all over the place fooling around with diff guys at the same time, but I'm actually interested in being with him only</p>

He put you through an unjustified period of distrust, he's got friends running to him embellishing the truth as a means to sully your character and honor, he is afraid to introduce you as his girlfriend to his family, but he has no problem with having sex with you and behaving as a boyfriend would.

If he is more concerned with what his friends will say about who he is grown enough to choose to date, then he's not grown enough to be involved with anyone, period.  That is a non starter right there.  What other girls do has nothing to do with how you comport yourself and is not and will never be a reflection on you. That is them; you are you.

What I gather from this is that he has never had an interest in the obligation of a relationship; just the benefits of a relationship---and you were quite happy and willing to give that up to him first without asking for the obligation in return.  Now that you've done that, you are negotiating for what you want from a weaker position.  He's holding all of the cards.  If he doesn't want to give you the obligation, then you need to choose is a FWB arrangement is good enough for you because it may be all you're going to get from him.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  After only 4 months you want the title?  Not happening.  Tooo soon.  If he has sabotaging  frenimies who have torpedo'ed his past Gf then he will be very wary.  he may have a negative family who tears down everyone he goes out with. 

     I say enjoy his company but date others too.  Putting yourself on a shelf is not a good idea.  Remember it has only been 4 months!  What did you want/expect?  Relationship in haste, regret at leisure.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013

If he calls you his friend, he's your friend. Personally I don't sleep with my friends but I wouldn't put a label or importance on a label whether it's "friend," "girlffiend," "fiancee," or "someone I know." He can probably see the attachment you are seeking and trying to set you straight that, at least for now, that's not what he's looking for. Perhaps if you're happy with the way things are that you show it because it doesn't sound like you are. If you are picturing yourself getting married anytime soon, you may be in the wrong relationship with the wrong guy. Anything short of believing what he's telling you is either setting you up to be hurt/disappointed. Just know that he stops telling you the truth, he'll be telling you lies. If you want a relationship in your mind, leave it there. Don't try to put it in his. I have had "clingy" relationships and they are too high maintenance. If he wants you as a friend, let it be a friendship. Don't analyze it... accept it or change it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013

Any updates? Did you decide to okay wtih just being "friends with benefits"? I'm concerned that your feelings for him are too strong for you to be truly okay with "just" that and nothing more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013

Trust me on this one. It's better for you to ditch that dude until he's READY for YOU on some real serious stuff. I 'm not fond of people who BS around talkin bout "I wanna be your friend" (FCK FRIEND to put it mildly) and can't be ready for a REAL relationship that includes commitment and such!! He will be a waste of your time and time is all what we have these days......

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