She's the ONE!!!!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
She's the ONE!!!!
12
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:54pm
So tell me. Why does it seem like "she" is always the one? Why is "he" never the one? Is it just assumed that once a guy finds his "one", that he will simply pursue her until he make her "his"??? Are we to assume that the women always says "yes" to the proposal?

Does anyone else find it odd that women are in control of the pace of "sex", and men are in control of the pace of the relationship? (normally, not always)

Is it because guys are always assumed to be on the make for sex, so women control the pace by saying "no"???

Is it because women are always assumed to be on the make for a relationship, so guys control the pace by allowing it to move forward or not???

It just struck me, based on another post where he decided "she" was the one, and she happily followed along at whatever pace he set. Did she ever get to the point of deciding he was the one???

Brokk...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:00pm
I can only answer based on personal experience, but I decided J was the one long before he decided I was. Looks like we were both wrong. ;-) But we moved immediately into a relationship without even passing go. After that point and the I love you's were exchanged he was in total control of the situation. He's even the one who ended the relationship. I'll qualify that with the statement that it was my very first real relationship and I gave 100% heart and soul to it. I'd probably never have actually wised up and said, "You know what, this ain't workin' for me" if he hadn't done it for me.

I imagine in the future I'll have more of a put up or shut up attitude. That's what happened with the old new guy. He had to have everything on his terms and his timeline, and I was getting nada in return, so I ended it. A was in total control of the status of our relationship once the horse was out of the barn, euphamistically speaking. Still, I don't like using sex as currency, and that's what I would interpret the whole no sex until you've proven you're going to stick around afterwards thing. I dated the old new guy for three weeks before anything physical happened and still didn't make the kind of connection that I had with A and even more so with J. So. Long story short, yes I think it is presumed that if it gets to the asking point, women will say yes and that once a man decides "she's the one" then it's full throttle forward.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:25pm
Title: Donning my asbestos suit

This one may get me into trouble. My opinions on this subject are not very flattering to my gender.

Basically, I think that many women are so desperate for a husband, ANY husband, that they will indeed say Yes to any proposal that comes their way. (No, this does not apply to all women--it sure as heck doesn't apply to me!) Women in American society are still taught from birth onward that we are "incomplete" without a husband and a houseful of babies. It's pretty easy to see how a woman who believes that story will allow a man to control the relationship, without ever really examining whether he is right for her.

Take a recent example on this board: we had a poster who described a relationship in which she and her boyfriend were VERY different people with VERY different relationship needs. (He was independent, she was emotionally high-maintenance and super-romantic.) Yet she believed that they were good together, and that he was happy to be capitulating to her every romantic whim. It appeared that she had never, EVER considered the basic differences in their personalities, much less though about determining whether they were *really* a good match.

To me, reading her post, it was completely obvious that they were a mismatch. Yet they'd been together 3 and a half years before he finally ended it, in what sounded like a fit of desperation to get his self-identity back.

From all I read on the boards, and see IRL, this kind of thing is common as dirt. A woman falls in love and that's enough for her. It doesn't really matter whether there's communication, commitment, compromise, shared values, etc. She has True Love. All that's left is for the man to decide whether or not she's The One.

Yup, that gives the man all the power. Not good, IMNSHO. Not a way to build a lasting relationship or marriage, either.

--fc

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:09pm
"Yup, that gives the man all the power. Not good, IMNSHO. Not a way to build a lasting relationship or marriage, either."

Yet, we find ourselves pointing to people who've been married 50, 60, 70 years... And they started out that way, if not worse. Many arranged marriages last until someone dies. The women doesn't have control, and frequently the man doesn't either.

Just playing devil's advocate for a moment. I'm not sure in our "modern thinking", that we really have any clue, or evidence of what type of match making skills are really needed at the beginning of a relationship, to have a "long lasting" marriage. I suppose we'll find out in 50 years if we were right or not...

Just food for thought.

Brokk...

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Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:17pm
"This one may get me into trouble. My opinions on this subject are not very flattering to my gender."

Me too! LOL!

"Basically, I think that many women are so desperate for a husband, ANY husband, that they will indeed say Yes to any proposal that comes their way. (No, this does not apply to all women--it sure as heck doesn't apply to me!)"

Maybe they doesn't apply to you FC (nor me of course LOL!) but you were married pretty young weren't you? Me too, makes a difference.

**GENERALLY SPEAKING, not true in ALL cases** I think desparation (along with bitterness, cynicism toward men) becomes more common the older the "eggs" get & the longer a woman is "out there" (ie giving her love & "all" to men who she discovers are unwilling to make that full commitment to her)

"Women in American society are still taught from birth onward that we are "incomplete" without a husband and a houseful of babies. It's pretty easy to see how a woman who believes that Story will allow a man to control the relationship, without ever really examining whether he is right for her."

True but don't discount the built in biological component either FC.The drive for children and the nest, environment really just plays a part. and Hey, its not a bad "story" either! I grew up admiring Mary Richards (The Mary Tyler Moore show before your time! LOL) & planned on emulating her.Look what I would have missed out on though! ;-)

"Take a recent example on this board: we had a poster who described a relationship in which she and her boyfriend were VERY different people with VERY different relationship needs. (He was independent, she was emotionally high-maintenance and super-romantic.) Yet she believed that they were good together, and that he was happy to be capitulating to her every romantic whim. It appeared that she had never, EVER considered the basic differences in their personalities, much less though about determining whether they were *really* a good match."

You're right, a too common scenario, as illustrated by Arties post as well. Women will try to make a sows ear into a silk purse, instead of looking for that silk purse in the first place! ie.They continue dating guys for YEARS that do NOT want what they want (marriage, family etc), nor have the desired characteristics, &/or stability yet they continue to date them &fall in love with their "potential" & try to mold them into what THEY want! It doesn't work and leads into that "bitterness" I spoke of above. . .

"To me, reading her post, it was completely obvious that they were a mismatch. Yet they'd been together 3 and a half years before he finally ended it, in what sounded like a fit of desperation to get his self-identity back."

Again, you're right, the smart guys don't allow themselves to be trapped or badgered into marriage, they find a way to escape.

To answer Brokks question. "HE's the ONE, SHE's the ONE," if you've CHOSEN well who to date and are in a healthy relationship, noone is waiting, think the time lines usually meld and the decision to marry becomes a joint one.All that frou frou proposal stuff he says is just icing on the cake ;-)

Barbara


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:02pm
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I take issue with your assessment of my relationship. In my case, I wasn't trying to turn J into anything. Wanted him just as he was. That same package would not be enough for me right now, but I find it highly disconcerting that you'd take my experience as a bullet point for your women and desperation and too many eggs in the basket theory. We all make mistakes, dear. Every last one of us. I'm thankful mine came to light prior to the marriage and children. Imagine how tough it would have been if it hadn't. However, having our mistakes constantly shoved into our faces makes us less likely to share for the benefit of the group. I'm blocking your posts from now on, but I thought you might want to know why. Then again, you probably don't care.
Avatar for mamma2my3sons
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:00pm
Artie of course my whole post was NOT about your relationship! old eggs indeed,you're just a kid for gosh sakes!You misunderstood. I only used your example that you volunteered above for my one point about dating someone even though they weren't all that you wanted.

sorry if it wasn't clear! I have to go back & reread what I wrote.

Barbara
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:34am
"We all make mistakes, dear. Every last one of us."

Even Farmma is on her second marriage. Imagine that.

"I'm thankful mine came to light prior to the marriage and children. Imagine how tough it would have been if it hadn't."

Amen to that. Which is why I'm glad I never had children from my first marriage.

"However, having our mistakes constantly shoved into our faces makes us less likely to share for the benefit of the group. I'm blocking your posts from now on, but I thought you might want to know why."

Good choice. It makes reading the board more enjoyable, when you no longer have to worry about reading posts that always seem to go the same way. I know it's made my life easier. I don't even have to worry about reading the titles anymore either... :-)

See, there are some nice benefits to the new format.

Brokk...

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
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Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:04am
Reread my post, just to clarify. It was not meant as an attack on you Artemis. I don't believe you are bitter yet or your eggs are old (espec since you are like what 24 or 25?!)

I agreed with your post that your ex was "mr right NOW" and later on you tried to make him FIT into YOUR idea of "mr right". Of course that doesn't usually work & didn't work in your case either.(BTDT too fyi) Love does NOT conquer all. Not trying to slam you for your "mistakes." We ALL make them. Post mortems on relationships are a great tool, if actually used to learn for the next time.

A trick of nature that when we are young we don't always have a clear understanding of what we require in another or even who we really are, our morals, values,our true beliefs. Hopefully though as maturity evolves, we recognize & don't CONTINUE to choose the "mr right nows" because that DOES lead to bitterness & old eggs! (LOL!)

Barbara : )

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:32am
Theres a man who will likely end up divorced for a second time in the future Brokk. Do you know who I mean? Divorce IS sad as you said. This mans second divorce is inevitable once his young wife actually matures, resolves her issues with her father and men in general. . .. Unhealthy relationships Do have a way of unraveling for all of us . .

I agree there are pluses to these new forums. However, I'm not planning on blocking any posts because some of them are rather amusing!

Barbara ; -)

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:35am
Ok, I lied. I'm too curious to see deleted message and not wonder what it says. So, congratulations. My own curiosity is likely to be my downfall. That being said, Brokk really isn't. Couldn't care less what the deleted message said, so the little slam did little except undermine the point you were trying to make.

You have some pretty valuable advice to give at times; however, the way you couch it makes it pretty easy to overlook most of the time. Just something to think about.

~Artie

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