She's the ONE!!!!

This one may get me into trouble. My opinions on this subject are not very flattering to my gender.

Basically, I think that many women are so desperate for a husband, ANY husband, that they will indeed say Yes to any proposal that comes their way. (No, this does not apply to all women--it sure as heck doesn't apply to me!) Women in American society are still taught from birth onward that we are "incomplete" without a husband and a houseful of babies. It's pretty easy to see how a woman who believes that story will allow a man to control the relationship, without ever really examining whether he is right for her.

Take a recent example on this board: we had a poster who described a relationship in which she and her boyfriend were VERY different people with VERY different relationship needs. (He was independent, she was emotionally high-maintenance and super-romantic.) Yet she believed that they were good together, and that he was happy to be capitulating to her every romantic whim. It appeared that she had never, EVER considered the basic differences in their personalities, much less though about determining whether they were *really* a good match.

To me, reading her post, it was completely obvious that they were a mismatch. Yet they'd been together 3 and a half years before he finally ended it, in what sounded like a fit of desperation to get his self-identity back.

From all I read on the boards, and see IRL, this kind of thing is common as dirt. A woman falls in love and that's enough for her. It doesn't really matter whether there's communication, commitment, compromise, shared values, etc. She has True Love. All that's left is for the man to decide whether or not she's The One.

Yup, that gives the man all the power. Not good, IMNSHO. Not a way to build a lasting relationship or marriage, either.

--fc

Me too! LOL!

"Basically, I think that many women are so desperate for a husband, ANY husband, that they will indeed say Yes to any proposal that comes their way. (No, this does not apply to all women--it sure as heck doesn't apply to me!)"

Maybe they doesn't apply to you FC (nor me of course LOL!) but you were married pretty young weren't you? Me too, makes a difference.

**GENERALLY SPEAKING, not true in ALL cases** I think desparation (along with bitterness, cynicism toward men) becomes more common the older the "eggs" get & the longer a woman is "out there" (ie giving her love & "all" to men who she discovers are unwilling to make that full commitment to her)

"Women in American society are still taught from birth onward that we are "incomplete" without a husband and a houseful of babies. It's pretty easy to see how a woman who believes that Story will allow a man to control the relationship, without ever really examining whether he is right for her."

True but don't discount the built in biological component either FC.The drive for children and the nest, environment really just plays a part. and Hey, its not a bad "story" either! I grew up admiring Mary Richards (The Mary Tyler Moore show before your time! LOL) & planned on emulating her.Look what I would have missed out on though! ;-)

"Take a recent example on this board: we had a poster who described a relationship in which she and her boyfriend were VERY different people with VERY different relationship needs. (He was independent, she was emotionally high-maintenance and super-romantic.) Yet she believed that they were good together, and that he was happy to be capitulating to her every romantic whim. It appeared that she had never, EVER considered the basic differences in their personalities, much less though about determining whether they were *really* a good match."

You're right, a too common scenario, as illustrated by Arties post as well. Women will try to make a sows ear into a silk purse, instead of looking for that silk purse in the first place! ie.They continue dating guys for YEARS that do NOT want what they want (marriage, family etc), nor have the desired characteristics, &/or stability yet they continue to date them &fall in love with their "potential" & try to mold them into what THEY want! It doesn't work and leads into that "bitterness" I spoke of above. . .

"To me, reading her post, it was completely obvious that they were a mismatch. Yet they'd been together 3 and a half years before he finally ended it, in what sounded like a fit of desperation to get his self-identity back."

Again, you're right, the smart guys don't allow themselves to be trapped or badgered into marriage, they find a way to escape.

To answer Brokks question. "HE's the ONE, SHE's the ONE," if you've CHOSEN well who to date and are in a healthy relationship, noone is waiting, think the time lines usually meld and the decision to marry becomes a joint one.All that frou frou proposal stuff he says is just icing on the cake ;-)

Barbara

I agreed with your post that your ex was "mr right NOW" and later on you tried to make him FIT into YOUR idea of "mr right". Of course that doesn't usually work & didn't work in your case either.(BTDT too fyi) Love does NOT conquer all. Not trying to slam you for your "mistakes." We ALL make them. Post mortems on relationships are a great tool, if actually used to learn for the next time.

A trick of nature that when we are young we don't always have a clear understanding of what we require in another or even who we really are, our morals, values,our true beliefs. Hopefully though as maturity evolves, we recognize & don't CONTINUE to choose the "mr right nows" because that DOES lead to bitterness & old eggs! (LOL!)

Barbara : )