Should I be concerned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Should I be concerned?
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 7:07pm
Quick question: Let's say you are dating a guy (6 weeks so far) and... it's going great but you find out he's still best friends with his ex-wife (and mother of his two children). They talk and text all the time, hang out as a family both at his house and going out to lunch and stuff...and he insists there's nothing going on and he loves you and you alone... but you are concerned that she wants him back and friends have told you they have been sexually active and in a relationship together as recently as a month or so before you started dating him. Would you be concerned about him still having feelings for her? Just curious.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 11:53am

The short answer is yes, you should be concerned.

First of all, I think 6 weeks is pretty soon to be saying "I love you." I would wonder about that.

Second, if he and his ex have had a sexual relationship as soon as a month ago, that would overlap your relationship by two weeks. I'm assuming your relationshipi with him is sexual at this point?

I think it's good for ex-spouses to have a civil and cooperative relationship after the divorce when there are children involved. I don't even think it's out of the question for them to get together as a family once in a while, especially if the children are really young. But this situation sounds like it has crossed the line, IMO, that is, if you can believe what your friends are telling you.

And of course, I'm a big believer in not jumping into a new relationship until you've had a chance to heal from the previous one.

I think I'd give Family Man a wide berth until he's ready to have another relationship.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 9:24am

I agree with what was said already. FIrst of all the 6-week I love you thing is way too soon. You have jumped into the deep end instead of wading out there slowly from the shallow end. I also think its a good thing overall for the children if two divorced parents can be friends and get along well enough to hang out together as a family kind of. There is nothing inherently wrong with ex's being friends.

I could however understand anyone in your position though, where you are in a relationship with a man who is good friends with his ex. I think its natural to be a little jealous that she is still in his life in that way. In your case though, if you have been hearing that they have been intimate after they divorced, that would be concerning and obviously if it was that recent, thats a dealbreaker.

For one, it would seem there are residual feelings and attractions and because they are 'friends' that means they spend time together and you would always drive yourself crazy imagining what they are doing together when you are sitting at home. For two, as was mentioned, this month ago time frame overlaps your relationship with him.