Should I bring it up again soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2010
Should I bring it up again soon?
10
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 11:18pm

Hello all, I've posted on ivillage a few times before, last time was probably more than a year ago, didnt think I'd ever post again for advice but here I am...


My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years, Im

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 11:50pm

I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:56am
Sounds like he is purposely evading the issues because he is not sure he wants to make that commitment right now. Maybe you should just buy him a ring and propose to him. That way you would get your answer without feeling like you are forever dropping hints and bringing up the subject of moving forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 9:12am

"At the time, all he said to me was that he does have a plan for us but he preferred "not to talk about it with me right now", I didnt want to put any more pressure on him so I left it at that."

After 3+ years, he shouldn't have some sort of secret plan for the 2 of you, you should both be discussing a plan for the 2 of you together. This sounds like a dodge.

I'm not sure a relationship built on ultimatums is ever a good idea, but it sounds like if marriage and a family are important to you this may not be the guy for you. You could issue an ultimatum and "drag him to the altar", you have to decide if you want to do that or start all over again.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 9:57am

This sounds so familiar to me, as it happened to me 16 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 10:05am

"About 6 months ago, my bf and I had our very first huge blow out, and everything that has been bothering me just came out. "
Ouch. At least you were able to communicate maturely after that but it's not great that you've been holding all this in for almost 3 years.

"I suggested that maybe we should both sell our places, buy a bigger place together and move in together, since we spend 5 out of the 7 days together anyway. His response was "oh yea?" and THAT WAS IT"
I bet he was caught off guard. You could have said, "yeah, what do you think?"

I kind of get the impression that he's going to propose to you but is trying to keep it a complete secret. A lot of people think that a proposal has to be a total surprise (I want to strangle the producers of romantic comedies for doing this to our sanity), but really, mature couples with good communication skills discuss what they want for the future. They don't make surprises for one another or leave one another guessing.

I DO think you should bring it up. But I think you can do so in such a way that allows him to keep the time/place of a proposal close to the vest (if that's what he's up to) while getting the reassurance you need that this relationship is headed in that direction. For example:
"It's been a couple of months now since we had a discussion about where our relationship is going, and I wanted to check in with you because I've been thinking about it. We've been together long enough to know if we want to get married to one another, and I'm at a critical point where I need to know it's going to happen at all so that I can plan for my own future. I would understand if you wanted some element of surprise in a proposal if you have something planned, but I can't be totally in the dark about whether it's going to happen or not. I'd really like to know if you have a plan for that. If so, I'll leave you alone. If not, we should really talk about what we expect and when."

Then I would give yourself (and keep it to yourself) a very solid date by which you will leave if your relationship still isn't moving forward. Maybe six months, maybe a year. What's the date you absolutely can not wait any longer? There's your deadline.

Remember, whatever reaction he has is up to him - It's not your fault for making him uncomfortable or defensive.

I also don't think moving in together before you have an answer on engagement/marriage would be a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 10:11am

The only way you'll find your answers is to ask him point blank. Tell him you want/need to know and you want them know. This has gone on long enough and he's been thankful that you've been not pushing to hard. Now is the time to push him.


I was with my husband for 14 years before he finally proposed. Yeah, I was crazy. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him I wanted to get engaged. I was prepared to walk away if it didn't happen. Please don't let your life slip away.



V224333_103.jpg picture by nhgal2006


"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:46pm

I wouldn't be one to give an ultimatum.

As for talking with your BF. I do think you need to lay it out for him, in a very blunt manner. So far you have been beating around the bush, and all you have gotten for your efforts are vague non-answers.

Sit him down, with no distractions. No TV, not when he is involved in something else. Tell him flat out, you and I need to have a discussion about our future. And then let him know up front that you can no longer idle by. That after 3 years you need to have a solid idea of what his intentions are, and what you two need to do to move forward. If he intends to commit to you fully, then he needs to be willing to move forward. And if not, he needs to make that clear so you can make decisions for yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 1:21pm

I agree that moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 6:45pm
Hi I think that you have options that you have not considered. Babies? Not a problem as you can have in vitro when ever you want.
Financial: I would NEVER suggest that anyone should commingle funds ever! You have property in you name Keep it! The fact that both have houses is not as much a problem as an opportunity! Always put financial first. There are no guarantees in life. What if he had a heart attack?
Marriage is not such a big thing. You do not need a man to support you. Nor to have children. A man(or a woman) should not see themselves as property or a trophy. He is not a big fish to be displayed on your mantelpiece.
Picture this: your man trussed up like a big fish for your friends to admire. with the caption "Look Guys" I got mine!!
How does that feel?
What are your career goals? What kind of money will you need for retirement?(pensions cannot be counted on)
The world is changing. What was the supposed to be's are no longer.
Unromantic Yes romance is a fantasy. Exactly how are you going to please him? What do you see yourself doing to keep him as #1 in your life?
(yes i said he is and always should be #1)
Not how you envisioned it? Then find the dream of reality. What your friends and acquaintances do are of no use because they are not you! Take a closer look at the arrogance that some will show.
How dismissal they are of their(possessive) husbands needs.
And put some real thought into it!

xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 6:24pm

*UPDATE*


Hello guys, just thought I'd update you guys on what happened this weekend.