Should I Leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Should I Leave?
15
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:56am

I have been in a very serious relationship (or so I thought) for the last 4 years. My boyfriend and I have a semi-long distance relationship while I am in graduate school. We see eachother every 3 weeks or so. I have decided to take some time off from grad school and work- since I got two amazing job offers- one very close to where my boyfriend lives, and one in London.

He is about 5 years older than I am (I'm 22- I graduated college early), and he told me that as soon as I graduate and finish grad school he was going to ask me to marry him. He told me that as soon as I finish, he wants us to move in together and start our lives together.

I have asked him within the past month about our living plans, since my lease goes up in August. He knows that I want to take some time off to pursue one of the jobs. I asked him if he still wanted us to live together like he said, and if not- I need to go find an apartment.

He told me that he's "just not ready yet." I reminded him what he said to me about us living together, and he said that he didn't know I would be leaving school.

The job is in Manhattan, and it is so close to where he lives. Am I wrong to sit here and think that it is wrong that he won't live with me when I'll be so close? He has told me so many times that he wants us to be married. He lives by himself in a huge place with 2 extra bedrooms, and I feel kind of rejected that he wouldn't ask me to come stay there while I have this job. He basically told me to go find a place to live.

The London job, which pays better than the New York job, is something I've always wanted to do. I told him that I'm considering this job- I would absolutely love to live in London. Not to mention, my best friend is in college there. He got so upset that I even said I wanted to go, and said I would be so f***** up if I just left him like that. I said I would come back and visit often- but it's a great opportunity for me. He got really upset and said he could not believe I would even say that to him.

I really need some advice on this, I feel so rejected. My mother and sisters said go to London since I've always wanted to live there- and it's his loss. Help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
In reply to: pbtcali
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 1:20pm
I say go to London. It sounds like he is being a little controlling. He promised you he would ask you to marry him and live with him after you finished school. Now that the time has come he's "not ready." If he's "not ready" that's okay and better he be honest about it than go against his feelings. BUT even though he's "not ready" to make the commitment he wants you to throw away the opportunity of a lifetime by not going to London?
I feel like if this is going to work it will work if you go to London or not. If you don't go to London you will always regret it and wonder "what if" for the rest of your life. You will also be setting a precedence with him that he can control the major decisions you make about your life but you have no control over the decisions he makes that affect yours-i.e. deciding not to live with you.
I'm 41 years old. When I was in college I had the opportunity to go to Africa to study for a year. My then boyfriend that I lived with threatened to end the relationship, told horror stories about what my experience would be like there, etc. I caved and didn't go. It is one of the things I truly regret in life. Now 20 years later I STILL want to go to Africa. Probably, eventually will. But I will never have that opportunity to study and live there for an entire year again.
GO TO LONDON!!!!!! If he loves you and wants you you guys will get through it. But to tell you it's F'ed up to follow your dreams is just WRONG.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: pbtcali
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:20am

Well, I certainly can't begrudge the guy for telling you his feelings, that's something men get called on the carpet for all the time.


But, if he can't see fit to "be ready" to live together, then I don't see why he can't expect you to think about taking the London job. He OBVIOUSLY is having commitment problems.


The opportunity, to me, is a great one. To live in another country and experience their culture is too good to pass up, I think.


Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: pbtcali
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:38am
I agree, the opportunity sounds too good to pass up, especially when you can't get a commitment.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: pbtcali
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:51pm

For 3 1/2 years I was in a relationship where the guy didn't want me to follow my dreams, but wasn't ready to make a commitment to me either.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: pbtcali
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:59am

Please don't try to arrange your life and goals around another person, unless you've made a permanent commitment to that person, and visa-versa, as in marriage.

I know you've been with this guy for a long time, but the bottom line is: you're not married to him. Your life is still YOUR life. Boyfriends come and go, and there's no guarantee that even IF you took the job in Manhattan, or in London, he'd still be around to marry you later.

You have no way to know what will happen with your boyfriend, if this will end up where you want it to go, or not. But you DO know what your options are for your career. So focus on THAT, and do what's best for YOUR life - what you know, not what MIGHT happen. Then let the chips fall where they may.

If he can't (or won't) hang with you while you're pursuing your greatest dreams, then why would you want him in your life anyway? If you give up dreams in hopes of winning his commitment, then you'll forever wonder "what if..." You'd do that even if he married you, or not.

I've passed up opportunities in my life because of a boyfriend, and even married one of them. And while I don't regret the marriage for that (it failed years later for other reasons), I DO regret not choosing to explore those opportunities. It's been 27 years, and I still wonder, "what if..." Still kicking myself in the butt for not going after at least ONE of those options.

When I'm faced with one of those important decisions, this approach always works for me (advice from a co-worker/mentor years ago): Gather all the information you can about the various options, weigh the pros and cons based on FACTS not emotions, then make the best informed decision you can. Then whatever happens, even if it turns out badly, you'll know you did the BEST you could do based on the information you had available. No regrets, and you'll sleep soundly at night. You'll keep your pride and self-respect, even if you lose everything else. Nothing is more important than that.

Go to where the best options are - whether it be in Manhattan or London. Those are firm offers - the boyfriend isn't.

Hope this helps...

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
In reply to: pbtcali
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:16am
Well said msfit.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: pbtcali
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:12am
Thank you. I try.

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
In reply to: pbtcali
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 10:13am
I agree with your mom! If he really wanted to be in your life he would make some what of a commitment. The fact that he is not supportin your move to NY or move to London means he is not as into you as he maybe once was. He wants to have the CONVENIENCE of you being kinda close without you actually being there. and thats not fair to you. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want out of life. Maybe you need to reexamine is role in it. Good luck with your new job and go to london. You dont want to regret such a fabulous oppurtunity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pbtcali
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:57pm

I agree with all the other posters completely. Go to London. Follow your path, and your dreams. If you don't, especially because of this guy, you will likely regret it for the rest of your life.

Also--there's something I've learned over the years. Someone who *really* loves you in a permanent way will want what's best for you, and support you and cheer for you as you follow your dreams. They'll cheer for you even if what you're doing *isn't* necessarily best for them. That's because truly loving someone isn't all about *you*.

It sounds like your boyfriend is mostly about himself, what you can do for him, and how you can best fit yourself conveniently into his life. IMNSHO, if this man really loved you very much, he would be thrilled that you've got an opportunity to go to London to work, just as you've always dreamed. I think he loves that you've been devoted to him all this time. Make of that what you will.

Best of luck, and I hope you enjoy London!

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: pbtcali
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:54am

Thank you so much, all of you, for your opinions- they really have helped a lot.

The whole thing about me being far away, and it being convenient for him- I see that now. I'm starting to realize that it's convenient for him to have me far away, just having me visit him. I have devoted so much time and effort to him. I am always the one to visit him. I am always the one to make plans to come see him. It's never him.

It hurts a lot when you realize that someone who you want to be so crazy about you just isn't. He says he's so crazy about me, and I believe him- to an extent. I know that he's faithful and does love me very much, but it's almost like I expect too much from him.

He has been telling me for the longest time that he wants to marry me and can't wait to have children with me. After we dated for 2 months, he told me not to finish school and to just be with him. I told him that was crazy, and he knew it was. He always told me, we aren't moving forward in this relationship until you finish school. Now I pretty much have, and he's not coming through.

Whenever I would bring up us staying together, he gets around it. About 3 months ago I spoke to him about this, and I told him that when I take this time off for the job, can we be together- and move forward. He said "we need to spend more real time together." I said but we can if we are closer, and he said no we need more time to spend together.

I spoke to him earlier today about all this, and I told him how I have been looking forward to moving forward with him for the longest time. I was completely honest with him. I told him that when I would think of us being together and someday moving in together, that it would make me so happy and so at ease. I told him how let down I feel and really just came clean to him with how I feel.

He told me that it would be great if I moved to NY to be near him, but us living together or getting engaged any time soon is not an option. He said we need to spend more time together and "let things happen."

I told him I'm fine with letting things happen, but all I asked was that he understand how I feel about him saying he doesn't want to move forward just yet. He said he kind of understands, but it's "really annoying to talk about this stuff," and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I was just so upset that I just got off the phone with him and haven't discussed anything with him since.

I feel incredibly led on, and I have decided that I am planning on going to London. I'm in the middle of looking for a place (it's so expensive there!), but I really am excited. My friend has talked me into looking forward to meeting men with British accents- the highlight of my day!

I don't know how I am going to tell him, but I know I have to tell him soon. I'm getting mixed messages from people, my family and most of my friends are telling me forget about him he's the one missing out. I spoke with a guy friend of mine earlier, and he said I'm putting too much pressure on my boyfriend. He said he probably feels like I'm controlling him.

Edited 6/28/2006 2:17 am ET by rr46




Edited 6/28/2006 2:20 am ET by rr46

Pages