Should I tell him the real # number?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Should I tell him the real # number?
4
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:32am
I would like some input especially from men. I have been married for two years. But years before we were married he was the second guy I had ever been with and I was his third. Anyways, there was a four month break-up and he doesn't know that I slept with four guys in between. When we got back together he asked me if I had been with anybody and I said "no" because I knew he hadn't been with anybody. Later he found out about one because the guy was a friend of his cousins and they ended up bringing up my name while playing basketball. It was terrible but I never really told him about the others. He is an awesome guy. I feel so lucky to have him because he is the man of my dreams but, I also feel guilty and I wonder if I should have told him when he asked me. When he asked I lied. Should I say something now that we are two years into marriage or should I try to lock away this skeleton and throw away the key?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 9:17am
Title: Good question....


...you really have something to consider on your hands here.

Some people will say "no...it is none of his business", and I don't entirely disagree, especially if the two of you had REALLY gone your separate ways during those four months (as opposed to staying in touch and continuing to see each other, while "pretending" to not be involved).

Others will say that his wanting to know reflects some degree of insecurity that you should be concerned with. I'd agree with that on some level as well...though I have to admit that I have asked the same question under similar circumstances before. But as a general rule, beyond absolute curiosity I don't really care how many partners a SigO has had...because I realize they had a life that I had nothing to do with before I came around. Still...yeah...I gotta admit a "break" is somehow different.

***"and I said "no" because I knew he hadn't been with anybody."

I'd be curious as to:

A) How you can be so certain...

and

B) Was this line of reasoning about him, or really about you? That is, did you say no to protect his feelings, or to save yourself from embarrassment or some similar sentiment?

I'd also be curious as to why the 4 guys in 4 months when there had only been two previously in your entire life. Were you looking to punish your now husband for some perceived slight?

Which leads to the next discussion point...

***"the guy was a friend of his cousins "

...why would you sleep with a guy who you KNEW had a connection to your now husband, no matter how tenuous that connection was / is?


Lastly...I am somewhat confused about...

***"Later he found out about one"***

and

***"Should I say something now that we are two years into marriage"

Did he JUST RECENTLY find out about your banging his cousin's friend, or was that two years ago before the nuptials? What brings you to the board to post now...lingering guilt or has something recently occurred that has you concerned?

The answers to these questions affect my response to you, but in lieu of knowing those answers, I would ABSOLUTELY say that if any of those "skeletons" in your closet have a connection to your husband similar to the cousin's friends, you had better confess NOW (and I mean TODAY) versus him finding out about it over a beer or during another basketball game AGAIN.

Listen to me, and listen good: There is NOTHING more embarrassing, humiliating or ego deflating to a guy than to hear some about the sexual exploits of his (serious, versus just some random piece of booty that is serving in the role as this month's freak) SigO from the GUY in question rather than her. NOTHING. It isn't that we all don't have pasts...we do. And hell, personally, I don't have a problem with the notion that we all can't get along (my wife's most significant ex-SigO came to our wedding...its no big deal). But getting BLIND SIDED by such info is unkewl in a way that I cannot explain to you...and makes me wonder if there isn't a female equivalent.

So...if there exist even a REMOTE chance (worked at the same company...you guys live in a small town...whatever) that this could happen again, you better come clean RIGHT NOW...right after you are done reading this post.

If not...well then I need more info before I can make a recommendation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 9:56am
I'm big on honesty and would say you already did a major screw up, and it's long past time to come clean. That's my personal opinion and I stick to it. The damage has already been done, he just doesn't realize yet.

However, I tend to be in the minority on these these. Far more people I hear from on this board say "it's cruel, there's no need, it's just inviting problems, it's bad for the marriage, etc, etc..." So consider that there are a lot of folks that would counsel you not to tell.

You are in a bad situation. Your mistake was not sleeping with four guys. Your mistake was lying to begin with. It's sets a bad precedent, and then sets you up for more lies as your lives go on. Who wants a marriage based on lies? Well, when some people "come clean", it hurts their partner so badly that it ruins the marriage. So there are valid arguements both ways.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 1:03pm
I think it depends upon how well your husband handles "delayed information!" And believe me...EVERY MAN reacts differently to this kind of news. If you've got a wonderful marriage and completely trust each other....this "new information" could be devastating to him.

While "loose lips (usually) sink ships"...

in your case....

"Coming Clean might make you serene!"

So it boils down to whether clearing your conscience is worth "opening up a can of worms" about the past...or to just KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT and continue to be 100% faithful until you both reach the age of 100.

Which of the above choices would make YOU feel better?

Pianoguy (who would probably choose the second option).

Community Leader
Registered: 03-17-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:58pm
My feedback is no.

What happened in the past is in the past. When the two of you resumed your relationship he asked you a question if you had been with someone, you were not honest, he found out, I am assuming thereafter you worked to get your life together back on track and build trust. Congratulations. These boards are riddled with people who have not been able to come to terms with this and work through it.

You have moved forward together. You are married and by all accounts you have remained faithful. Unless your husband comes to you and wants to revisit the past, which he would do because he might not have been able to compartmentalize the affair, I would take the lead of your husband and close the chapter on that part of your life. Sounds like it is something you need to come to terms with on your own and that is a role best served by a counselor or minister, not your husband.

Is it keeping secrets? No. Your husband knows you fell off the fidelity wagon. Spare him the grusome details and ease your conscience elsewhere.