shy guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
shy guys
10
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:00pm

I wrote about this guy on another board, but I'm going to post here too. I started talking to a guy I went to high school with a few months ago on Facebook. We talked for a while and I asked him to come to my house and watch a movie. We had a good time, but I wasn't sure if he was interested or not because we haven't really talked a lot since then and he hasn't said anything about hanging out again. I would really like to because he seems like a really sweet guy. I'm just not sure how to read shy guys, I'm normally the shy one, so this is different for me.

I feel like I am more outgoing than I used to be, but I can already see a problem if we started dating because neither one of us would make a move, and I don't want to be the one to have to initiate all of the conversations, etc.

Today at work, while training a girl, I realized that her husaband is really good friends with this guy. Her husband graduated with me and this other guy. She said she would talk to her husband and see what he thought about him. She told me this evening that he has never had a girlfriend, or even kissed anyone so that may have been why he was uncomfortable when we watched a movie together. Her husband said that he had mentioned me to him, so that seems like a good sign, but I feel like I always have to initiate the conversation and I don't like that because I don't know if he is interested or not.

She told me that I should ask him out to a movie, that maybe that would help him be less uncomfortable because we wouldn't be at my house. She is very excited about it becuase she has been trying to set him up for a long time. I still wonder though if he is truly interested. Wouldn't he attempt to talk to me more if he was? I hate being confused and wondering if people like to talk to me. He will talk to me if I talk to him, but I feel like he is just doing it to be nice since I started the conversation. He is a very nice guy. I would feel that he wasn't interested at all except for the fact that this girl's husband said that he mentioned me.. I'm just not sure what to think. Should I waste my time asking him out again or should i wait and see how it goes and if he ever starts a conversation or starts talking to me. By the way we are both around 23. I have only been in one relationship, and it wasn't necessarily a good one. And I've only kissed two people ever so it's not like I'm much more experienced than him..

Please help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: chel222
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 1:54am
chel222 wrote:

I wrote about this guy on another board, but I'm going to post here too. I started talking to a guy I went to high school with a few months ago on Facebook. We talked for a while and I asked him to come to my house and watch a movie. We had a good time, but I wasn't sure if he was interested or not because we haven't really talked a lot since then and he hasn't said anything about hanging out again. I would really like to because he seems like a really sweet guy.....

I feel like I am more outgoing than I used to be, but I can already see a problem if we started dating because neither one of us would make a move, and I don't want to be the one to have to initiate all of the conversations, etc.

....She told me this evening that he has never had a girlfriend, or even kissed anyone so that may have been why he was uncomfortable when we watched a movie together...

She told me that I should ask him out to a movie, that maybe that would help him be less uncomfortable because we wouldn't be at my house. She is very excited about it becuase she has been trying to set him up for a long time. I still wonder though if he is truly interested. Wouldn't he attempt to talk to me more if he was? I hate being confused and wondering if people like to talk to me. He will talk to me if I talk to him, but I feel like he is just doing it to be nice since I started the conversation. He is a very nice guy. I would feel that he wasn't interested at all except for the fact that this girl's husband said that he mentioned me.. I'm just not sure what to think. Should I waste my time asking him out again or should i wait and see how it goes and if he ever starts a conversation....

Please help?

This is a hard one. Yes, he could be interested but too shy--or he could just not be interested. There are shy gay men too!!! Also, even if he is interested, you can't be carrying the ball for the entire relationship. At some point, you need him to be comfortable enough to take charge and to open himself up. With me when I was younger, I'd be very nervous around women but I still found the courage to ask women out, etc.

If I were you, I'd call him once more, not asking him out on a specific date, but telling him that you are interested in dating him. See how he responds. If he doesn't actively show interest, look elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
In reply to: chel222
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 9:50am

I really don't think he is gay. My friend said that he likes going to strip clubs, etc. and that he will flirt with girls that have girlfriends but when it comes to girls he could actually get he is really nervous. I really just don't understand. He talked to me quite a bit before he came over to my house and ever since then he hasn't. I don't know if he wasn't attracted to me physically or maybe he was and that's why he was awkward. I just wish I knew what it was he said about me. Maybe it wasn't anything good, although there should be nothing bad for him to say.

It just seems like that if he did like me he would try to talk to me more? He always responds if I text him or message him on facebook, etc. but it's just not the same as it was before he came over. I just don't get it, and I don't want to be annoying to him..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: chel222
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 10:10am
chel222 wrote:

I really don't think he is gay. My friend said that he likes going to strip clubs, etc. and that he will flirt with girls that have girlfriends but when it comes to girls he could actually get he is really nervous. I really just don't understand. He talked to me quite a bit before he came over to my house and ever since then he hasn't. I don't know if he wasn't attracted to me physically or maybe he was and that's why he was awkward. I just wish I knew what it was he said about me. Maybe it wasn't anything good, although there should be nothing bad for him to say.

It just seems like that if he did like me he would try to talk to me more? He always responds if I text him or message him on facebook, etc. but it's just not the same as it was before he came over. I just don't get it, and I don't want to be annoying to him..

I hate to say it, but if

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
In reply to: chel222
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 10:31am
That's what I was afraid of, but I don't understand why he would talk to his friend about me. Maybe it wasn't all good? I dont' know.. She didn't find out exactly what was said, so who knows. Thanks for your honestly. I appreciate it! :) I just had a really good feeling about him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
In reply to: chel222
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 10:39pm

With just about every couple I know, including my own relationship, opposites attract. In that I mean personality wise. Many of my female friends are outgoing, and have more introverted boyfriends/husbands. My fiance is a people person and outgoing. I'm a little shy and reserved. Maybe you're meant to be with someone more outgoing who you feel more comfortable with. This man doesn't make you feel comfortable, so even though he seems nice, he's probably not the right man for you. You'll find a good one! Always remember that you're the treasure and a man has to be worthy of you. Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
In reply to: chel222
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 9:17pm

I don't think he is gay. I would ask him out again and see what happens. if you arn't happy with the results then move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
In reply to: chel222
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 1:37pm

I talked to him on Tuesday night on facebook for quite awhile. It seemed to be going well. Wednesday afternoon while I was snowed in I sent him a message and asked him if he would like to go to a movie once the weather got better. I didn't hear anything from him. Today I texted him something and he responded with a one word answer right away. I'msassuming since he didn't respond to my message about the movie that he's not interested and I shoudl just move on.

Also, I don't know if I'm crazy or not but that same night that I sent him a message, I could have sworn I saw his truck drive by my house twice. I was in bed and heard a noise so I got up to look outside. It was about 9:30. That's when I thought I saw his truck stopping at the stop sign and getting ready to turn. Then I kept walking around the house because I was so confused. There were no lights on in my house at the time. I walked back around the house and saw the truck turning again. It may not have been him, but it sure looked like his truck. If it was him he would have texted/called to see if I was home right? I really just think I'm crazy and seeing things though.. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: chel222
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 9:41am

Since your coworker and her husband know the guy, couldn't the four of you go out one night? That might make him more comfortable to try.

Do you ever have negative self-talk such as "This will never work because..." or "Nothing has ever worked in my life so why try" or things like that? Despite popular opinion, guys can have no confidence either. Since he has never kissed a woman, and he sounds very passive, he probably is afraid to show that he has no clue what to do when a woman is interested. At least this situation seems to be helping you become more open to taking risks.

But.....even giving him a huge benefit of the doubt, he sounds like a head case who would drive you nuts quickly if this is how he does things. Not responding to your movie invitation and much of this is bordering on gameplaying - wanting to keep you dangling, but himself safe in a shell,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
In reply to: chel222
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 4:56pm

Yes, I do have negative self talk as much as I hate to admit it. I don't really know him that well, so it's hard for me to tell if this is how he always is or if he just isn't interested. Other guys that I have liked and tried to talk to just won't talk if they aren't interested. They don't even bother responding just to be nice. That is what makes me think he's kind of interested. I feel like if I just give up and don't keep trying that nothing will ever happen. I just wish I could figure out what he is thinking. If he really is shy and I give up and he likes me I feel like nothing will happen between us, yet I don't want to bug him if he isn't interested and is just being nice. I feel like maybe I should have called him to ask him about the movie that way he wouldn't have time to think and would have to give me an answer right away.

I do agree that if he does this now, what is he going to be like if we do start dating, but I'm afraid I will never know since he is being so difficult. I would assume that other girls have shown interest in him, but I don't know that. He never had a gf in high school (but neither did I.. ) So.. I just don't know whether I should keep trying or not..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: chel222
Wed, 02-09-2011 - 9:55am
Don't put much more energy into it. You've done more than enough.