Sincere or just a 'line'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sincere or just a 'line'?
13
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 9:18pm
So he and I have been seeing each other for 2 months...conversation is great, lots of laughter, lots of affection, even comments of future plans doing things together (made by him)...

Here is the problem ~ He thinks that he MIGHT be having a job relocation soon and says 'we're' not going to work out considering it a new relationship. But wouldn't utter the words to break it off until I basically said..'If you don't want to see me anymore,then say that'. He himmed and hawed and then said it but followed it with 'I don't like saying that especially to a good person'. Hmmm...sincere or just a line? Then...LOL..it gets worse...he says that I would be exactly what he was looking for,if the timing were right. Another line? Since this conversation took place, we've had no contact other than me sending him an e-mail that simply said I miss you. He replied with I miss you too. Should I follow this up or just let it lie? I feel that we had a coonection that isn't found very often so part of me wants to chase but the other part says let it go. I guess I'm looking for a guy opinion and also someone who's objective :)

Thanks in advance :)




Edited 5/1/2003 9:31:09 PM ET by MISSY778

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:08pm
Title: I'm a guy...just like you asked, but...

...I'm confused.

If the two of you (and really, it doesn't take two....just one) have decided this isn't going to work, then what difference does it make?

***"'If you don't want to see me anymore,then say that'. He himmed and hawed and then said it but followed it with 'I don't like saying that especially to a good person'. Hmmm...sincere or just a line? "

What difference does it make?

***"he says that I would be exactly what he was looking for,if the timing were right. Another line?"

Again, what difference does it make?

***"I feel that we had a coonection that isn't found very often so part of me wants to chase but the other part says let it go."

Here is that "connection" thing that women talk about again...how can you have a "connection" with someone who has told you in so many words that they don't want to pursue things?

Let it go...either he is speaking the truth about his emotions, or he is just buttering you up to make you...or him...feel better. In either case, he feels that you all have nothing else to pursue. His reasons for this might be because he really does feel strongly that the relocation might be coming, or because he is ready to move on to something / someone else (did you guys meet online? Online relationship have a way of flaming high and burning brightly...until one or the other person wants to get that thrill again in a new relationship...). But no matter what the reasons, the bottomline is stil that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you...so why would you pursue one with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:18pm
I'll try and clarify things..

***If the two of you (and really, it doesn't take two....just one) have decided this isn't going to work, then what difference does it make?

~I was more than fine with the way things were going. He had decided that because of the potential location change, he needed to end it.

***Here is that "connection" thing that women talk about again...how can you have a "connection" with someone who has told you in so many words that they don't want to pursue things?

~The connection was there because up until all of this happened we were agreeably on the same page on many, many levels. And both agreed that there was a connection.

***But no matter what the reasons, the bottomline is stil that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you...so why would you pursue one with him?

~Part of me feels like because I fed him the lines he though that's what I wanted.

So explain this ...when I sent the email, which I thought he would simply read and delete...why did he feel it nec. to respond with an 'I miss you too' ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:19pm
Think I should check in and see if the relocation went through?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:17pm
Another guy here...

Why respond at all? Because he sounds like a nice guy, and didn't want to blow you off. Sounds like you had to drag the "break up" out of him. It sounds like he really likes you, but due to a set of circumstances in the here and now... He can't be with you.

No. Don't contact him. If you want to drop him a note in 6-8 weeks and see if things have changed for him (relocation-wise), then do so. Otherwise, don't pursue this. After all, the reasons for the breakup have not changed.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:20am
Thanks for all the input everyone. Sometimes when you're smack-dab in the middle of things it's difficult to sort things out :)

Here's the update as of today...I got an email from him that said~ 'I hope all is well'. Hmmm....unsolicited mail now? LOL I'm thinking that he's hopeing I hang out long enough to see what comes with the relocation idea...or maybe he's rethingking the choice he made? LOL Mercy! Dating wasn't this hard in high school!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 10:48am
It DOES make a difference, gogo. You've just hit on a very basic, and I would have thought obvious, difference between the sexes. You seem to say, from a male viewpoint, that it doesn't make a difference because the outcome is the same, so why analyze the why's? To a woman, the why's are all tangled up in her self-concept. She doesn't really want to hear that he ended the relationship because he didn't like her anymore; she wants validation that it ended for other reasons not related to her value as a woman.

> His reasons for this might be because he really does feel strongly that the relocation might be coming,... <

(a) NOT related to her value, therefore doesn't damage her self-concept;

> or because he is ready to move on to something / someone else <

(b) DIRECTLY related to her value, i.e. "she's not good enough for him - he wants someone else...", therefore there must be something "wrong" with her.

Of course she wants to know why. He's giving her mixed signals.

Msfit

                  &nbs

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 10:59am
Sorry, Msfit, I disagree with your view that *all* women feel this way. If someone chooses not to continue because there's someone else or there's something they didn't like about me, it just means they're not right for me. It doesn't mean that there's something *wrong* with me, just that we're not right for each other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 11:41am
You could have copied that script from a time period in my own relationship with my now married-in-every-way-except-the-paper fiance (long story - check out the "So what does engaged mean" thread started by gogobear a few weeks ago).

I can compare this point in your relationship to the exact period in my own - the day I called him up and asked for a date, told him there was something important I needed to discuss with him face-to-face. I can't give a male viewpoint, and I can't be objective on this question, but I can give some personal experience:

We hit it off great for the first two months or so, then he started "cooling off" - standing me up on dates, not calling when he said he would, etc. while telling me we were "right" for each other, never met anyone like me, and so on. So after 3 months of mixed signals (good grief - did I let it go on that LONG? egads!) I called him up for that date, and broke off the relationship. Told him simply that I could not tolerate the mixed signals anymore, that I loved him and believed we could have a wonderful relationship, and that I valued his friendship and wanted to maintain that, if he thought that was possible, while we went our separate ways. This let him off the hook and gave him the distance he needed at that time without having to write me off altogether. So for the next 7 months we met for breakfast about 2-3 times a month and talked on the phone 2-3 times a week. (To this point we had not had sex - more on that below.)

He dated others, and so did I - mine turning out to be a developing relationship with very real long-term goals. Turns out, he really did believe we were right for each other but had some personal issues to deal with before he felt he could commit to a long-term relationship and marriage. (Another long story, but not really fodder for this board.) Once those issues were under control, he approached me with all engines firing, so-to-speak, and we took off from there. (Maybe my impending engagement to the other guy gave him the impetus he needed to get off the pot and make his intentions known.)

During this 7-month hiatus, he gave me the best "line" I've ever heard - have yet to hear anyone top it - He said the reason we had not had sex, even though I had very clearly tried to get him into my bed, was because he did not want to spoil our chances for a great relationship - his previous EX had been the best sex he'd ever had, and he knew any woman he was with after that would be compared to the EX (true) - and he did not want to disappoint either of us. (WTF?) So he wanted to get that disappointment out of the way before pursuing a relationship with me. At the time, I thought this was a very smooth, creative lie - but still didn't make me want him any less. After 4 years with him now, I know it was the truth.

My advice to you: If you really believe this is the "right" guy for you, then hold on to him with a silver thread. Keep the communication lines open, and let him go whichever direction he needs to go, while you go another. Don't put your life on hold for him, but don't write him off, either - until you are ready to do so. In time, he will either break the thread himself and disappear, or you will break it, or it will grow stronger (by his choice) and you'll reel him in.

Best of luck to both of you.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 11:45am
I did not intend to include *all* women in this generalization, sorry for the confusion. By its nature, this board does not allow us to know the other posters personally - so we are limited to making generalizations.

I realize, of course, that not all women feel the way I described - you are one who does not, and so am I - but many *many* women do, and I believe this is the norm, and you and I are among the exceptions.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 3:25pm
It's not a black and white thing. He can miss you but not want a relationship

with you. You are trying to interpret this situation to mean what

you want. You have to listen better to him. He likes you, sure, but doesn't

want the commitment of a relationship right now. On the other hand,

if he loves you and doesn't realize it, he'll be back. Only time will

tell on that score, you can't do anything about it.

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