So confused......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
So confused......
1
Mon, 05-21-2012 - 3:31pm

I met a man i 2001 at work that I was instantly attracted to.  We worked on separate sides of the floor so I rarely saw him.  In 2005 I casually mentioned to a co-worker (he was B's boss at the time) that I had a crush on him.  He proceeded to play matchmaking and B and I have been talking since late 2005.  I have learned so much about this man and quickly realized that he was devastated from a divorce and was clear that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship.  We continued to be co-workers/friends but over time, of course, I started to like him more than a friend.  He was always clear in his lack of ability to have a romantic relationship so this was clearly my fault.  At the end of 2008 he made the decision to move back down to the southern part of the state (he moved in 2001 as the company moved the department from south state to north state).  I was heartbroken and he left.  We remained in contact until one day I was having a hard time dealing with his absence so I walked away sending him an email indicating how I felt and how the distance and my feelings were too painful.  He was confused because he's always been honest (he was and still is) and he felt that he had lead me on (he didn't).  We parted ways for about a year and we started talking again after I thought I could keep my feeling separate. 

Fast forward to a couple of years later where we spoke to each other a couple times a month to catch up with each other and all was fine when suddenly at the end of last year his actions started to change.  He started calling or texting at least once a week and lots of flirting....it started to mess with me.  It's only gotten worse...we speak daily and how he speaks to me is like a girlfriend.  We finally had a talk on Skype a few weeks ago because he was incenuating that we were more than friends so I confronted him about it and he said we would never be more than friends.  I told him he needed to stop treating me like a girlfriend and sending my smiley faces with hearts on text.  That lasted about a week and it's only gotten worse.  He's sucked me in and I'm tired of all of this.  My life is crazy right now as I'm trying to separate myself from the people who don't have my best interests at hand.  I'm not sure if he's confused about his feelings or if I feed his ego.  I refuse to feed anyone's ego.  He tells me everything and since he has few  friends it feels like he's hanging on me to entertain him.  (he doesn't work towards developing friendships)

Last night we were chatting on Skype (we've gotten to the point we can talk for hours several times a week) and my back was getting tight and he said if he was here he gives real good butt massages.  WTF?  He's never said anything like that before.  He talks about finding a woman just like me (when he's ready to invest his heart) and someone he can talk to like me.  I just sit there and I know this man isn't stupid by any means.  He knows I care for him more than a friend so he flirts and incenuates...how does he justify this? 

When I met him he weighed close to 500lbs.  He's 5ft6in and has lost 150lbs which he credits me for being his inspiration and support.  He's a handsome man but I've known he dysfunctional and when I met him I had no idea.  I should have walked away from him (I use to pick men that were unavailable) but he makes me laugh and has been a good friend. 

Is he playing me or is he confused?  Either way it's a lose lose situation for me.  Of course..I wish he was healthy enough to have a successful romantic relationship but I can't see that happening and if he tried that type of relationship it would crash and burn and I don't want to be on the receiving end of that.  How do I keep my feelings separate?

Explain to me why a man would act this way....

San

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 11:38am
If you're asking have I spent all this time waiting for him the answer is no. I've never not dated someone and have had a couple of serious relationships in and around since 2001. I'm never going to wait for someone like him.