taken advantage of??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
taken advantage of??
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 12:50am

He is currently unemployed due to lay off and it is a long distance relationship. I fly out to stay with him for a week. I pay for my ticket but tell him I won't have any extra spending money...he says he understands this.
I get there. Every morning he makes me an elaborate breakfast and a fantastic dinner every night. He's good to me. Treats me like a princess. We do things that don't cost alot of money and I'm happy with that.

He decides to build a shed and I am happy to help, but he runs out of material and we go "to look at supplies" and somehow I end up spending $50.00, I'm not complaining yet....

Now time for me to get back to airport that's an hour and half away. He says he has no gas money! I end up putting $40.00 in so I can get home! 2 days later he's at the bar. He calls me and it's obvious he's had a few beers(where did the $$ come from for the beer??).

I'm trying to decide if he's a jerk, or should I give him a break?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 1:56am

I'm awfully worried that you'd consider that he may be a jerk just because he's gone out for a few drinks. There is so much more to being a jerk or not than having a few beers with mates.

Anyway, only you know if he's a jerk and you judge it by his past behaviour.

*Did he get retrenched or sacked? (if he got sacked, then he's possibly a jerk).
*When he's employed, does he pay his way or sponge off everyone? (if he sponges, he's a jerk).
*Is he looking for more work or sitting on his butt? (sitting on his butt makes him a jerk).
*Is he a considerate person or generally selfish? (selfish makes him a jerk)
*Does he fly out to visit you or always expect you to come to him (If you do all the travelling, then he's not that into you)

It's very possible that his mates paid for his beers. I can easily imagine a group of friends offering to pay for a mate who otherwise couldn't afford to come out. I'd certainly do this for my friends and I hope they'd do the same for me.

I guess it's not unreasonable that you contributed $50 to his building. He would have spent far more than that on food for you during your stay. Likewise, $40 for gas is probably not much different to a cabfare.

Lastly, if a plane fare leaves you so financially tight, perhaps you need to reconsider having a long distance relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 2:38am

I'm inclined to agree with true.blue.strine.

It depends on HOW you ended up paying for these things and how often you pay for them.

I'm not entirely sure that you can complain aobut the airfare either - afterall you didn't ask him to contribute and he didn't force you to buy the ticket. Does he visit you at all?.

And a few dollars for a couple of beers *every-so-often* is no big deal either. If it was everyday then I might be a bit upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 5:00am

I've had this with friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 9:27am


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 10:00am

Personally, I can't see anything that would make me say he's a jerk. But then again, you're the one that knows him, so what do you really think?

It's a long-distance relationship, you flew out there, (I'm assuming he didn't insist

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 12:27pm

He actually did offer to pay for half the airfare. He never did tho. First he said he'd give me half, that went to about $50. down to "I'll give you money for it next week" and finally, he just never did give me anything because he said he didn't have any...AND he wanted me to give him gas money. We did agree that I wouldn't spend ANY money while there since I pay for the airfare. The next day I talk to him and he obviously had been drinking.
Yeah, maybe his buddies did pay for his drinks.

Maybe it's like someone else here said, I didn't have to pay for any of these things. Guess I need to put my foot down a little more and not be such a push over. It's all good now, but if I'm not careful, he could be a jerk in the making.

Thanks guys.