Time to be honest with him or let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Time to be honest with him or let it go?
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:11am

I don't post here very often, just when feeling emotionally frustrated and need outside, unbiased advice!

I have a male "friend" that I have known for years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:28am
Careful, this is how trouble starts.

Edited 10/2/2010 10:02 pm ET by darling.carly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:29am

How could he know how you feel about him? I see no where in this post do you say you responded to him the same way. He's not a mind reader.

Really, if you don't want any contact with him because of feelings, then you need to be upfront with him. Tell him that neither one of you can risk damaging what you already have. And if he keeps emailing you, then ignore him.

dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:43pm

How would you feel if your husband was communicating with another woman along the same lines as you do with this man? It doesn't matter what this other man thinks. You need to tell him that it's inappropriate for you to have a male friend now that you're married, and you can no longer communicate with him. Wish him well, and never communicate with him again.

Put all of your emotional energy into your husband. You took vows with him, and your marriage will benefit from this new focus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 1:02am

Yes, I think the first response was quite accurate. I was flattered and honestly, he did catch me off guard back then as we had a flirting friendship but I had never given him any indication that I would be open to an affair. But I liked the attention from him and did nit want it to end, which is probably what causes my distress now.

I want the attention butni don't want to step over the line I have set for myself. Perhaps that is why he keeps in contact with me. I know one of my coworkers, who knows him well, told me he was merely asking for his "favor" as a way to have more contact with me. I blew that off when she said that and actually thought he was just using me and taking advantage of my feelings for him. That he might not even realize I have!

Our communications usually involve work of some kind and are never inappropriate in the least. I don't initiate contact with him one on one unless it's needed and even then I will often bypass him. That seems to bother him a bit because his boss and I get along well and he has made some cocky comments about it.

Thanks for the help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:08am

You seem aware that your actions keep him interested but blind to the possible consequences, "Oooh! I know that I keep throwing a little gasoline on it now and again (even though it burnt me a year ago) and what do you know? It flares up and gets hotter time and time again. I can't imagine why...."

How about stubbing this guy out for good? He's not a mind reader and if you keep throwing him scraps he'll keep sniffing.

If the tables were turned and it were your husband doing this you would want him to clearly tell the other woman that he can't contact her again because he values his marriage more than the contact that they have.