Tired of asking for "permission"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tired of asking for "permission"
35
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 8:35am

I married a man who thinks much differently than me. While both "logical" thinkers I am more the "free-spirited" "spontaneous" one, and he NEEDS to weight everything out and I'm beginning to feel like a child.

With that said, my question is two fold.

1. One of his nieces is turning 16 and I thought it would be a sweet gesture to send her a special bouquet of flowers or cookies to her H.S. homeroom. My husband suggested that before we tookk action we needed to consult with the girl's parents to make sure it wouldn't be "too much", "too embarassing", etc. I just preferred to surprise her. His family has NEVER done ANYTHING like this before...all boys and the brother's wife grew up fairly poor and sheltered. So, it's not their practice. When asked however, the brother made what I consider a HUGE deal of it, hemming and hawing and acting like it may bee too "traumatic" and "attention getting" for her and he doesn't think that she may mentally be able to handle it. Still, she's done school plays, is on several teams and has plenty of friends, so she's not really shy at all. My brother in law now suggested to my dh discussing it with his wife who will then discuss it with his daughter who will then give the yeah or nay on the flowers, which kills the surprise. Any opinions please

2. If any of you have teens can you clue me in as if they'd be traumatized by being sent flowers at school, it was very popular when I was younger and I'm still in my 30s so I'm not presuming tha much has changed. All input VERY much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:03am

Without knowing the girl myself it's tough to say for sure; but, off the cuff... What a bunch of whack jobs making such a stink over sending some flowers to a kid in school. Most the teeenage grils I know (about 3) would LOVE the attention.

Unless, she's one of those kids that shies away from being the center of attention (which she doens't sound like) there's no reason to believe she wouldn't love the surprise. Like you, I would have LOVED it, and I WAS pretty shy. It sounds more like they are projecting how THEY would have reacted on to her instead of looking at her as her own person.

Just my personal, uninfromed, non-professional, half-cocked opinion. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:28am
My sentiments exactly, but my husband is making me feel "guilty" for even suggesting it without consulting her parents....and I, like you, WAS extremely shy and reserved probably until I got to College and still loved the attention, though I was "timid" about it. Plus, we go through this every time we make a decision. For holidays, we have to call and ask both his siblings if what we have in mind to buy for the "kids" is acceptable. I totally understand confirming size, etc. but we have to ask if they would like, for example, a coat. Then we have to get "specific", like would they be okay with a "dressy" coat as oppossed to a casual one, ask if the color we have in mind is okay, then ask about the length, etc. They make such a huge deal out of ridiculous scenarios. Everything, is a gigantic ordeal and a major issure. It's like they are socially inept...and I am left to deal with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:00am

My advice... Don't deal with it. If he wants to go through a major production over every single gift, then leave it all up to him. He obviously managed this feat just fine before you were married. Let it be his responsibility once again.

I know it's hard to not get too attached to the kids and want to be the cool aunt. I have the same problem. I gained SIX nieces when I got married and I already had a niece and nephew they are awesome kids and I love spoiling them.

The thing is your husband is taking all the fun out of it anyway; so what's the point in frustrating yourself over it? Just let him handle all gift giving for his side of the family.

Alternatively, in the future you could follow the "It's easier to beg forgiveness then ask permission." policy and simply do what you think is best and then TELL your husband what you did. It might back fire; but, it might be wrth trying once, just to see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:06am
Thanks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:47am
No problem. I know how it is. My husband's side of the family is whacky too. Of coourse, thankfully, he knows this. I have NO idea how he managed to come out so "normal".
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:51am
I hear ya, I'm just wondering why my dh insists on defending and placating these people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:08am

The short answer is they're his family. He's probably been defending and placating them his whole life. Chances are it isn't something you'll ever change about him no matter how distrctive the behavior might be to him. Just make sure it isn't hurting you.

Personally, I'd just distance myself from them emotionally. Be courteous and polite and pleasant; but, don't get invested. Then if problems come up let him deal with them, unless the issue deals with you directly. Just stay out of it as much as possible nad don't offer your opinion. If he asks your opinion in dealings with his family, deflect it back to him. If he wants to know why you've lost interest be honest but also be as gentle as possible. Just let him know that you aren't accustomed to handling things the way they are in his family and that because of that you feel it's best to let him deal with issues involving his family and you'll deal with issues involvng yours.

It's unfortunate but in some marriages that's the only way for both spouses to stay sane.

If I had to deal with my MIL or SIL too often I'd probably.... well let's just say it wouldn't be good for ANY ONE involved. So, my husband handles most of that. ESPECIALLY, since this past Christmas, the Christmas from He!!. He was sick with the flu and I was stuck dealing with EVERYTHING myself and we had both sides of the family at our house. I have never been so glad to have MY Mom around in my whole life!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:13am
Will do...Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:09pm

My partners family is somewhat the same. They have to get EVERYONE to agree to EVERYTHING in a plan wether it is a meal, a movie, or a gift. It requires so much energy it is exhausting. They will spend 45 minutes discussing and AGREEING to eat at a particular restaurant. Then have to discuss what route to take. All the while me and my toddler are starving. It reaches a point where I don't care WHAT we eat anymore as long as we eat SOMETHING. Everything is like this.

Now, while they are busy discussing what to eat, I go get food for me and my daughter. We have narrowed the present thing down to a secret santa thing or gift certificates. Sometimes my partner gifts family members with something he wants to get them in particular. It works out well.

I agree with Nick. What wackjobs making such a big deal about a really sweet jesture. I know a lot of young women in their 20's and knew them in high school. They would have LOVED getting flowers at school. It would have been a visible symbol that someone LOVES them and thinks their special.

I'm stubborn, personally, I would just send her the flowers from me. To he!! with everyone else.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:44pm
It really depends on the girl however I don't think it would be "traumatizing" it could be embrassing it was for me when my uncle did it and the kids said " put incest to the test " and although I realized now older he was being sweet at the time it was embrassing for me !

 

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