Total Miscommunication About Condom Use

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Total Miscommunication About Condom Use
48
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:20am

Dear Message Board Friends,

Some of you may remember me as the girl who drunkenly teased my guy crush only to confess later to him that I was a virgin.

Well, lo and behold, I never moved out of town and he and I ended up sleeping together after all. (I know!) I finally got to the point where my curiosity overtook me, and I gave over the V card.

Things got messy between us emotionally because of a lot of miscommunication and confusion along the way, but we have finally settled on being FWBs and just having a fling, and so far we are both content with this situation.

It seems very strange for me sometimes, because I was (maybe still am) such a romantic, and of course I was a virgin not long ago. He is not the right guy for me- I know this now- but he was a good choice for a partner because there is good chemistry between us and he has had only a few partners before me. I do feel very comfortable with him in bed and also because he is a family friend.

Because he will actually be the one who is moving away this time, this little fling is working for me for the time being, but I don't know how long I would last if he stayed in town.

Anyway, he knows that I have a huge fear of STDs and so he got tested for me at an STD clinic as I asked him to do. He found out that he is HIV negative (yay!), but we have to wait until Tues to get the other results. We also agreed that condoms would be our method of birth control because he's leaving soon and I didn't want to get on the pill for such a short time. I do *not* want a pregnancy any time soon.

Anyway, something happened the other night to where I am really questioning him, his motives, and his respect level for me. I would really appreciate any and all advice. Part of me thinks I should let him go after this, but the other part of me thinks that both of us made a mistake and we are both to blame for our carelessness.

About a week ago, he came over, and we did our usual routine (we have gotten together once a week for 3 weeks so far). I primp in the mirror while he watches TV in bed, then we chat for a bit, I remind him about the condom, he puts it on, and soon the sparks start to fly.

This time, he was under the covers watching TV while I was putting myself together and then I hopped into bed. We made out hard-core and then we had sex, and everything seemed fine. Then, when he pulled out, he asked me to hurry and grab a towel or T-shirt. Since I am still semi-inexperienced, I just assumed that the condom must have overflowed. I thought nothing of it and we set a date for the next week.

So, he comes over last night, and wow- the sex was amazing. I was wondering what the change was, and before I could really put two and two together, we started to change positions and I looked down and noticed why... no freaking condom!

I was in shock. I lay there with tears streaming down. He asked me what was wrong. "But you didn't mind last week!" he said. I was blown away and couldn't even speak. He was holding me and saying, "Talk to me! What's wrong?"

Finally, I could speak. I asked him what he meant by last week. He said, "Well, you didn't ask me to put one on like you usually do, so I just assumed that you were ok with it."

I wanted to scream, but fortunately, I kept calm. He held me and I explained to him *again* how fearful of STDs and a pregnancy I am, and I told him that he should have known better, knowing all those fears of mine.

He said, "Yeah, I wondered why you weren't asking me to put one on, but I assumed that when you got into bed with me and we started having sex, that you were just ok now about not having a condom."

I said, "Well, I assumed that you had already put one on like you usually know to do..."

He assured me that he is disease free (we still don't know for sure until the clinic results are in) and that he has only been with serious girlfriends who would have said something to him if they had ever had a problem. He said he has never had symptoms of anything. But I can't rest easy until I see the results from the clinic.

Then he assured me that he was careful to pull out on time so that I wouldn't get pregnant. That is *not* good enough for me. I wanted a condom to ALWAYS be on. I could really scream...

I blame myself for my lack of vigilance and the fact that I didn't make sure he was protecting himself. But I also blame him for being pretty tricky and thinking, "Oh, she's not saying anything so I'm not putting one on and let's just see what happens."

I can't tell if it's like he said- we both just got lost in the moment and didn't pay enough attention, or if this was more deceitful and he just saw my negligence and capitalized on it.

We talked in the morning and he agrees to always wear one from now on.

So, I guess all of this boils down to: What would you guys do? Is he full of it, or did he truly think that I was ok with no condom, even after explaining how fearful I was of STDs and getting pregnant?

Should I continue this fling or let it go?

I think I should have been more vigilant, but he was definitely more irresponsible than me, I think.

I already took Emergency Contraceptive today just in case and will take a pregnancy test, too.

Ugh... but the contraceptive only protects me from last night, not last week.

I'm praying that I am not pregnant. I know my chances are low, but I'm a bit inconsolable until I can see concrete results. :( :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 6:02am

You are new at this, aren't you?

Not wearing a condom was NOT an oversight. It was a deliberate and considered act. The excuse that you did not ask him to wear one and he "assumed" is an extremely poor excuse but you are just naive enough to fall for it and let him get away with it.

Given that most responsible men are painfully aware of the pregnancy issue when it comes to unprotected sex, it speaks volumes about his character - lack of character actually - if he's prepared to ignore how you feel and indeed risk you getting pregnant for the sake of his own pleasure. He's either extremely selfish or dangerously stupid. There is no other excuse for his actions.

Yes. Sex without a condom feels immensely better. I hope he enjoyed it because if I was you, that would have been the very last time he would have ever been having sex with me. No-one would get to betray my trust and play Russian Roulette with my health and wellbeing like that (and then blatantly lie about his reasons) and get away with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 10:08am

I agree with Westie, he's full of BS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 4:51pm

All the posters

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 4:52pm

Yeah, I agree with the others.


And secondly, are you not handling him before sex?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 7:28pm

Thanks for all of your opinions. After thinking about it, you are all completely right. He knows that I'm new at sex- he saw that I was naive- and he completely capitalized on that. There is no forgiving the anxiety and stress that he has put me through over this. He also knows that, b/c of a hormone deficiency, I have irregular periods. So now, I have no period to rely on to let me know if I'm pregnant or not. Now, I just have to be anxious and play the waiting game. I will take the PG test soon.

Since all of this has gone down, he has not texted once to ask if I'm ok or anything. This confirms that he is a completely selfish d-bag who disregarded all of my fears and totally disrespected me. I hope that karma will come back to him one day for the stunt he pulled.

To answer the person above, I have handled him in the past before we had sex- I don't know/remember what was different about that night except that he must have played it somehow to where it went too fast for me to even get to that point w/ him. I do remember that it was almost like a quickie how fast it all went down.

He knew what he was doing. He totally played me and deceived me. And he did it all on purpose.

If I find out that I'm PG or have caught something off him, he is in serious trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 1:30am

Hi there,


In all honesty I think you are shifting the blame far too much in his corner...It was consensual sex...you were not blind folded or held against your will....


It takes 2 to tango... Sure, I agree with the others that it was irresponsible of him to not wear a condom, sure, I agree that he shouldn’t have assumed that you were ok with him not wearing one...BUT....when all is said and done...It is YOUR body, it is YOUR experience as well and it will be YOU who will be left holding the baby if anything were to go wrong..... YOU need to watch out for yourself. Saying you are “naive and inexperienced” is a very weak excuse. If you want to have sex then you need to take matters of precaution into your OWN hands.....


If you are so disease conscious and if you are so adamant that you don’t want to get pregnant, then how can something like checking if he has a condom on slip your mind TWICE...Given you didn’t say anything the first time (all be it you didn’t realize) I can also see how he may have misinterpreted the situation (he isn’t a mind reader).... Sometimes we send the wrong messages with actions rather than words...


If one can’t handle the repercussions of sex, if one can’t communicate their needs and if one can’t trust their partner, then one shouldn’t be having sex.


I think you hit the nail on the head in your original post... “Both of us made a mistake and we are both to blame for our carelessness”.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 2:02am

Well, there is a very important part of this story that I didn't remember about until after I wrote the original post.

While trying to search my brain for the events that actually happened that night, I remembered something HUGE that occurred.

When he and I were hard-core making out in bed that night, I am 98% sure that I felt a condom on him, because the rubber brushed against my leg and my nether region. He made sure that I felt it, because I remember thinking that he was kind of grinding hard against me, which was unusual for the way we would usually make out. Then, he excused himself for a minute, came back to bed, and we just had sex. I assumed this whole time that the condom was on him. I thought he went to the bathroom to adjust or something- I never questioned him running off to the bathroom.

Later that night, I found the condom in the trash. But it didn't concern me at this point, b/c he always throws them away when the deed is done.

Of course, I am now thinking that this was his trick: make out with me so that I *think* he has the condom ON, slip away to the bathroom for a minute, take the condom OFF, then come back to bed and have sex with me before I can tell the difference.

I mean, can a person really be this devious and low-down, or did he honestly take the condom off, expect me to remind him to put *another one* on, and then when I didn't, he thought I was ok with unprotected sex?

It just doesn't make sense, since he knew to always put one on with me...

At this point, I don't know what to think. I have a part in the blame too, for not being 100% vigilant about protection, but in my gut, I feel like he saw that I wasn't paying attention and he completely took advantage of it.

I'd say the blame is about 80% him, 20% me.

I still think I ought to end the affair. He knew, in the end, that I would want that condom ON, not OFF, no matter how silent I was about reminding him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 2:23am

Dear Passion,

I do admire that you had a different perspective from the others. My initial reaction, after hearing his apologies and what seemed like some remorse, was to forgive him and agree that it was both of our mistakes. I thought: "Well, a guy will get away with whatever a girl will let him get away with... and because I didn't remind him, he got away with it." I wanted to kick myself for assuming that he had done right by me and put that condom on.

But what kills me is that he knew deep down that I wouldn't have been ok with what he was about to do, even if I was not reminding him, and even if I "seemed" ok with it by my actions.

To respond to what you said here:

"If you are so disease conscious and if you are so adamant that you don’t want to get pregnant, then how can something like checking if he has a condom on slip your mind TWICE...Given you didn’t say anything the first time (all be it you didn’t realize) I can also see how he may have misinterpreted the situation (he isn’t a mind reader).... Sometimes we send the wrong messages with actions rather than words..."

The reason I didn't check him is because I felt like I didn't have to anymore... I feel like he knew the routine by that point. I lost my virginity to him back in January and we had sex a few times since then, but we didn't become regular lovers until 4 weeks ago.

He knows where I keep the condoms, he knows that I want him to have one on, he knows about my PG and STD fears, and he even knows that I have an irregular period.

Had he just uttered one sentence along the lines of, "You know I don't have a condom on, right?" or "Are you sure about this?" then I would know that he cared about my concerns, health, and well-being.

Why would my small mistake of not reminding him trump all of that other important knowledge he has about why I am so adamant that we use condoms?

That's what I just can't get past. :(

But the fact that he did have a condom on, slipped away to the bathroom to take it off, and then had hurried sex with me tells me everything I need to know.

He also said the next morning, "I'm surprised you didn't kick me out last night."

That sounds to me like a person who knows that they've done something wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 4:09am

With all due respect, I've NEVER been in a sexual situation where I was unaware of whether or not he was wearing a condom - and in good, mutually pleasing sex, I just don't see how you could not know. Surely you would have felt the lack of rubber when you held him to guide his penetration?

You believe you were only 20% at fault. But I say you were 100% at fault. Because it is 100% your responsibility to be vigilant about your own health and safety.

I agree that what he did was wrong. And if we're talking percentages, I think he's let himself down 100%. But don't let him take more than his share of blame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:45am

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