Total Miscommunication About Condom Use

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Total Miscommunication About Condom Use
48
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:20am

Dear Message Board Friends,

Some of you may remember me as the girl who drunkenly teased my guy crush only to confess later to him that I was a virgin.

Well, lo and behold, I never moved out of town and he and I ended up sleeping together after all. (I know!) I finally got to the point where my curiosity overtook me, and I gave over the V card.

Things got messy between us emotionally because of a lot of miscommunication and confusion along the way, but we have finally settled on being FWBs and just having a fling, and so far we are both content with this situation.

It seems very strange for me sometimes, because I was (maybe still am) such a romantic, and of course I was a virgin not long ago. He is not the right guy for me- I know this now- but he was a good choice for a partner because there is good chemistry between us and he has had only a few partners before me. I do feel very comfortable with him in bed and also because he is a family friend.

Because he will actually be the one who is moving away this time, this little fling is working for me for the time being, but I don't know how long I would last if he stayed in town.

Anyway, he knows that I have a huge fear of STDs and so he got tested for me at an STD clinic as I asked him to do. He found out that he is HIV negative (yay!), but we have to wait until Tues to get the other results. We also agreed that condoms would be our method of birth control because he's leaving soon and I didn't want to get on the pill for such a short time. I do *not* want a pregnancy any time soon.

Anyway, something happened the other night to where I am really questioning him, his motives, and his respect level for me. I would really appreciate any and all advice. Part of me thinks I should let him go after this, but the other part of me thinks that both of us made a mistake and we are both to blame for our carelessness.

About a week ago, he came over, and we did our usual routine (we have gotten together once a week for 3 weeks so far). I primp in the mirror while he watches TV in bed, then we chat for a bit, I remind him about the condom, he puts it on, and soon the sparks start to fly.

This time, he was under the covers watching TV while I was putting myself together and then I hopped into bed. We made out hard-core and then we had sex, and everything seemed fine. Then, when he pulled out, he asked me to hurry and grab a towel or T-shirt. Since I am still semi-inexperienced, I just assumed that the condom must have overflowed. I thought nothing of it and we set a date for the next week.

So, he comes over last night, and wow- the sex was amazing. I was wondering what the change was, and before I could really put two and two together, we started to change positions and I looked down and noticed why... no freaking condom!

I was in shock. I lay there with tears streaming down. He asked me what was wrong. "But you didn't mind last week!" he said. I was blown away and couldn't even speak. He was holding me and saying, "Talk to me! What's wrong?"

Finally, I could speak. I asked him what he meant by last week. He said, "Well, you didn't ask me to put one on like you usually do, so I just assumed that you were ok with it."

I wanted to scream, but fortunately, I kept calm. He held me and I explained to him *again* how fearful of STDs and a pregnancy I am, and I told him that he should have known better, knowing all those fears of mine.

He said, "Yeah, I wondered why you weren't asking me to put one on, but I assumed that when you got into bed with me and we started having sex, that you were just ok now about not having a condom."

I said, "Well, I assumed that you had already put one on like you usually know to do..."

He assured me that he is disease free (we still don't know for sure until the clinic results are in) and that he has only been with serious girlfriends who would have said something to him if they had ever had a problem. He said he has never had symptoms of anything. But I can't rest easy until I see the results from the clinic.

Then he assured me that he was careful to pull out on time so that I wouldn't get pregnant. That is *not* good enough for me. I wanted a condom to ALWAYS be on. I could really scream...

I blame myself for my lack of vigilance and the fact that I didn't make sure he was protecting himself. But I also blame him for being pretty tricky and thinking, "Oh, she's not saying anything so I'm not putting one on and let's just see what happens."

I can't tell if it's like he said- we both just got lost in the moment and didn't pay enough attention, or if this was more deceitful and he just saw my negligence and capitalized on it.

We talked in the morning and he agrees to always wear one from now on.

So, I guess all of this boils down to: What would you guys do? Is he full of it, or did he truly think that I was ok with no condom, even after explaining how fearful I was of STDs and getting pregnant?

Should I continue this fling or let it go?

I think I should have been more vigilant, but he was definitely more irresponsible than me, I think.

I already took Emergency Contraceptive today just in case and will take a pregnancy test, too.

Ugh... but the contraceptive only protects me from last night, not last week.

I'm praying that I am not pregnant. I know my chances are low, but I'm a bit inconsolable until I can see concrete results. :( :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:11am

...but again......He owes nothing to you...and boys will be boys.....


Okie doke.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:14am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:16am

Am I the only one who finds this thread shocking?


No.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:25am

"I" didn't think the last part of was relevant.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:53am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:05am

No, I don't have a problem with this board overall, or with TOS....


I have a problem with folks jumping all over a woman who's barely lost her virginity.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:54am

I feel short-changed now. I missed coconut's new siggie....

I don't think that he "raped" her at all. It was definitely consensual. No doubt about that. Rape doesn't come into it at all.

To answer the query about the thread being shocking, well, No, not really. Plenty of guys do this all the time. Some simply don't care. Sad, perhaps, but true.

And last thing, it'd be no problem for a guy that doesn't want to wear a condom to slip it off and do his thing without a woman even knowing that he hadn't used a condom. I reckon that most women simply wouldn't notice while in the throws of passion. Especially if they were new to this whole sex thing.




Edited 7/7/2010 4:58 am ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:57am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 6:55am

How could it possibly be "in a way" rape?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:12am

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