Total Miscommunication About Condom Use

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Total Miscommunication About Condom Use
48
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:20am

Dear Message Board Friends,

Some of you may remember me as the girl who drunkenly teased my guy crush only to confess later to him that I was a virgin.

Well, lo and behold, I never moved out of town and he and I ended up sleeping together after all. (I know!) I finally got to the point where my curiosity overtook me, and I gave over the V card.

Things got messy between us emotionally because of a lot of miscommunication and confusion along the way, but we have finally settled on being FWBs and just having a fling, and so far we are both content with this situation.

It seems very strange for me sometimes, because I was (maybe still am) such a romantic, and of course I was a virgin not long ago. He is not the right guy for me- I know this now- but he was a good choice for a partner because there is good chemistry between us and he has had only a few partners before me. I do feel very comfortable with him in bed and also because he is a family friend.

Because he will actually be the one who is moving away this time, this little fling is working for me for the time being, but I don't know how long I would last if he stayed in town.

Anyway, he knows that I have a huge fear of STDs and so he got tested for me at an STD clinic as I asked him to do. He found out that he is HIV negative (yay!), but we have to wait until Tues to get the other results. We also agreed that condoms would be our method of birth control because he's leaving soon and I didn't want to get on the pill for such a short time. I do *not* want a pregnancy any time soon.

Anyway, something happened the other night to where I am really questioning him, his motives, and his respect level for me. I would really appreciate any and all advice. Part of me thinks I should let him go after this, but the other part of me thinks that both of us made a mistake and we are both to blame for our carelessness.

About a week ago, he came over, and we did our usual routine (we have gotten together once a week for 3 weeks so far). I primp in the mirror while he watches TV in bed, then we chat for a bit, I remind him about the condom, he puts it on, and soon the sparks start to fly.

This time, he was under the covers watching TV while I was putting myself together and then I hopped into bed. We made out hard-core and then we had sex, and everything seemed fine. Then, when he pulled out, he asked me to hurry and grab a towel or T-shirt. Since I am still semi-inexperienced, I just assumed that the condom must have overflowed. I thought nothing of it and we set a date for the next week.

So, he comes over last night, and wow- the sex was amazing. I was wondering what the change was, and before I could really put two and two together, we started to change positions and I looked down and noticed why... no freaking condom!

I was in shock. I lay there with tears streaming down. He asked me what was wrong. "But you didn't mind last week!" he said. I was blown away and couldn't even speak. He was holding me and saying, "Talk to me! What's wrong?"

Finally, I could speak. I asked him what he meant by last week. He said, "Well, you didn't ask me to put one on like you usually do, so I just assumed that you were ok with it."

I wanted to scream, but fortunately, I kept calm. He held me and I explained to him *again* how fearful of STDs and a pregnancy I am, and I told him that he should have known better, knowing all those fears of mine.

He said, "Yeah, I wondered why you weren't asking me to put one on, but I assumed that when you got into bed with me and we started having sex, that you were just ok now about not having a condom."

I said, "Well, I assumed that you had already put one on like you usually know to do..."

He assured me that he is disease free (we still don't know for sure until the clinic results are in) and that he has only been with serious girlfriends who would have said something to him if they had ever had a problem. He said he has never had symptoms of anything. But I can't rest easy until I see the results from the clinic.

Then he assured me that he was careful to pull out on time so that I wouldn't get pregnant. That is *not* good enough for me. I wanted a condom to ALWAYS be on. I could really scream...

I blame myself for my lack of vigilance and the fact that I didn't make sure he was protecting himself. But I also blame him for being pretty tricky and thinking, "Oh, she's not saying anything so I'm not putting one on and let's just see what happens."

I can't tell if it's like he said- we both just got lost in the moment and didn't pay enough attention, or if this was more deceitful and he just saw my negligence and capitalized on it.

We talked in the morning and he agrees to always wear one from now on.

So, I guess all of this boils down to: What would you guys do? Is he full of it, or did he truly think that I was ok with no condom, even after explaining how fearful I was of STDs and getting pregnant?

Should I continue this fling or let it go?

I think I should have been more vigilant, but he was definitely more irresponsible than me, I think.

I already took Emergency Contraceptive today just in case and will take a pregnancy test, too.

Ugh... but the contraceptive only protects me from last night, not last week.

I'm praying that I am not pregnant. I know my chances are low, but I'm a bit inconsolable until I can see concrete results. :( :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:20am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:03am

Coconut, i’m not questioning whether he did it on purpose or not...i’m more than sure that he was only thinking of himself....


I hardly think that someone that that would be so irresponsible would think of the long term consequences of his actions.......Thinking before acting is what separates the boys from the men... I repeat, he clearly isn’t a man!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:17am
? Please explain....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:41am

May I remind you that we were discussing fault and responsibility....


Whether I believe the OP or not is the irrelevant part...The relevant part is that the OP, in my opinion, shouldn’t shift blame or make excuses....We can’t control others intentions, actions or motives but we can control ours.


We are responsible for protecting ourselves.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:50am

Nice legs Coconut!


I find it funny, far from offensive.... It actually reminds me of when we used to innocently play wheelbarrows with my friends...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 9:11am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:33pm

I do want to thank you for defending me, but I myself would not consider what happened to be a rape.

It was devious and irresponsible, but not violent or forceful in any way. It was a violation of sorts, but it was a violation of my trust and my bedroom rules.

I wanted to have sex with him... and sadly, some part of me still does. I spoke with my best friend about it last night and she said, "You were neglectful and he was opportunistic. You were at fault for not watching over yourself, but he was *more* at fault for taking advantage of you not paying enough attention. He handed you nothing but BS- he knew you wanted a condom. I wouldn't sleep with him again."

I think she is completely right.

Passion Plus is also right that it is my responsibility to protect myself 100% and that a guy who doesn't owe anything to a girl (he's not my boyfriend) will try to get away with whatever he thinks that she is letting him get away with.

Unfortunately, I just relied upon him to do what I expected him to do- I should have relied only on myself. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:59pm

Thank you so much for posting all of that info for me. That was informative and totally helpful.

Here's what I know and do believe. He is a friend of someone in my family (who I trust), so I do know for a fact that he has only had three partners before me, and those were all serious girlfriends.

I was his fourth partner ever; he was my first.

His last g-f was over 2 1/2 years ago. So, until me (a virgin), he had not had sex for over 2 years. This I truly believe b/c he's not a player or a ladies' man.

He did go to the clinic to get the test. He got both a blood test and a swab. He explained what went down. Even with his crappy irresponsibility and deviousness, I don't think he'd make that up. They gave him a card at the end of the day with an HIV negative confirmation on it. He showed this to me last time he came over.

The other results would take a few weeks, they told him.

He called me yesterday to let me know that all was well. He said that a doctor read the results to him and showed him his results, but didn't give him a paper or anything.

I could hear him walking out of the place and into his car. He really did call me as soon as he was leaving the clinic.

I would think that his results would be accurate since it had been a while for him to have sex. What do you think?

He also told me that his g-fs would have informed him of any trouble. He said that he had never had a symptom of anything. He was very confident about his sexual cleanliness.

I'm starting to think that he just thought it would be ok to have sex with me as if I was another girlfriend. Not cool.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:22pm

I'm not defending him. I think his behaviour was shocking.

But I still believe the OP is 100% responsible for her own personal safety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:27pm

>>I reckon that most women simply wouldn't notice while in the throws of passion. <<

Westie, you know how having no condom feels so great and so natural to you? It's the same for us (or at least, me). There's a distinct difference when he goes bareback.