Total Miscommunication About Condom Use

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Total Miscommunication About Condom Use
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:20am

Dear Message Board Friends,

Some of you may remember me as the girl who drunkenly teased my guy crush only to confess later to him that I was a virgin.

Well, lo and behold, I never moved out of town and he and I ended up sleeping together after all. (I know!) I finally got to the point where my curiosity overtook me, and I gave over the V card.

Things got messy between us emotionally because of a lot of miscommunication and confusion along the way, but we have finally settled on being FWBs and just having a fling, and so far we are both content with this situation.

It seems very strange for me sometimes, because I was (maybe still am) such a romantic, and of course I was a virgin not long ago. He is not the right guy for me- I know this now- but he was a good choice for a partner because there is good chemistry between us and he has had only a few partners before me. I do feel very comfortable with him in bed and also because he is a family friend.

Because he will actually be the one who is moving away this time, this little fling is working for me for the time being, but I don't know how long I would last if he stayed in town.

Anyway, he knows that I have a huge fear of STDs and so he got tested for me at an STD clinic as I asked him to do. He found out that he is HIV negative (yay!), but we have to wait until Tues to get the other results. We also agreed that condoms would be our method of birth control because he's leaving soon and I didn't want to get on the pill for such a short time. I do *not* want a pregnancy any time soon.

Anyway, something happened the other night to where I am really questioning him, his motives, and his respect level for me. I would really appreciate any and all advice. Part of me thinks I should let him go after this, but the other part of me thinks that both of us made a mistake and we are both to blame for our carelessness.

About a week ago, he came over, and we did our usual routine (we have gotten together once a week for 3 weeks so far). I primp in the mirror while he watches TV in bed, then we chat for a bit, I remind him about the condom, he puts it on, and soon the sparks start to fly.

This time, he was under the covers watching TV while I was putting myself together and then I hopped into bed. We made out hard-core and then we had sex, and everything seemed fine. Then, when he pulled out, he asked me to hurry and grab a towel or T-shirt. Since I am still semi-inexperienced, I just assumed that the condom must have overflowed. I thought nothing of it and we set a date for the next week.

So, he comes over last night, and wow- the sex was amazing. I was wondering what the change was, and before I could really put two and two together, we started to change positions and I looked down and noticed why... no freaking condom!

I was in shock. I lay there with tears streaming down. He asked me what was wrong. "But you didn't mind last week!" he said. I was blown away and couldn't even speak. He was holding me and saying, "Talk to me! What's wrong?"

Finally, I could speak. I asked him what he meant by last week. He said, "Well, you didn't ask me to put one on like you usually do, so I just assumed that you were ok with it."

I wanted to scream, but fortunately, I kept calm. He held me and I explained to him *again* how fearful of STDs and a pregnancy I am, and I told him that he should have known better, knowing all those fears of mine.

He said, "Yeah, I wondered why you weren't asking me to put one on, but I assumed that when you got into bed with me and we started having sex, that you were just ok now about not having a condom."

I said, "Well, I assumed that you had already put one on like you usually know to do..."

He assured me that he is disease free (we still don't know for sure until the clinic results are in) and that he has only been with serious girlfriends who would have said something to him if they had ever had a problem. He said he has never had symptoms of anything. But I can't rest easy until I see the results from the clinic.

Then he assured me that he was careful to pull out on time so that I wouldn't get pregnant. That is *not* good enough for me. I wanted a condom to ALWAYS be on. I could really scream...

I blame myself for my lack of vigilance and the fact that I didn't make sure he was protecting himself. But I also blame him for being pretty tricky and thinking, "Oh, she's not saying anything so I'm not putting one on and let's just see what happens."

I can't tell if it's like he said- we both just got lost in the moment and didn't pay enough attention, or if this was more deceitful and he just saw my negligence and capitalized on it.

We talked in the morning and he agrees to always wear one from now on.

So, I guess all of this boils down to: What would you guys do? Is he full of it, or did he truly think that I was ok with no condom, even after explaining how fearful I was of STDs and getting pregnant?

Should I continue this fling or let it go?

I think I should have been more vigilant, but he was definitely more irresponsible than me, I think.

I already took Emergency Contraceptive today just in case and will take a pregnancy test, too.

Ugh... but the contraceptive only protects me from last night, not last week.

I'm praying that I am not pregnant. I know my chances are low, but I'm a bit inconsolable until I can see concrete results. :( :(


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:40pm

cat alley, I wanted to agree with's post, because that's how I feel as well and I think I'm one of the people you're referring to when you say that some people here are defending the man in the situation. I had no intention of defending him, he really acted abhorrently. When someone says "boys will be boys", what I took it to mean was that immature males will act like immature males and to plan accordingly because you can't change them. I can understand why you took it differently though, I don't think it's intended to be a lighthearted remark that means it's okay for people to act like that. What this guy did was pretty repulsive and devious. He doesn't deserve sex, that's for sure. But at the same time, it's the OP's responsibility to protect herself because we don't live in an ideal world. Someone once said to me: "the concept of 'SHOULD' and 'SHOULDN'T' exist outside of reality". There are measures you just have to take into your own hands, even if it's unfair, even if other people "should" care as much as you do, because not everyone can be trusted.

I feel like sometimes people enter threads with the intent of finding one victim and one villain, and pointing out who those people are. Many times that is the case, but sometimes it's not black and white. Sometimes, more than one person made a mistake, and finding blame or fault or fairness isn't the important thing, but rather, defining what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same situation from happening again. I am really glad that the OP is open minded enough to be able to define what she could have done differently, even if the guy is a huge jerk for what he did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:44pm

Just to address those who are wondering how I couldn't tell the difference between no condom and a condom:

All I can say is that I'm pretty new to all this sex business, and my mind sincerely *thought* that he did have a condom on. So, any thoughts of "Oh wow- it's better tonight for some reason..." were attributed to feeling like things were just going more "smoothly" between us and that we had finally found "our rhythm". We also tried different positions, and I may have just thought that one position felt better than another.

I never dreamed that things felt better b/c he was not wearing a condom.

I mean, I know the difference *now* and would be much more conscious of it... but that doesn't help the situation I'm in at this point. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 5:09pm
even if you are a virgin, you can tell if a man has a condom on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 7:55pm
Cat Alley - I know you from someplace - I don'tknow what board - do you recognise my username - are you from TT or the TV boards



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:06pm
Officially not pregnant!! Yay!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:07pm
Sorry- I meant to post to everyone that I am not pregnant! ::huge sigh of relief::
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:16pm

Good news, littlemiss!! Phew!



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:36am
Thank you so much! I am so relieved!! :-)