Trying to move forward together with very different sexual pasts

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
Trying to move forward together with very different sexual pasts
7
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 7:00pm

I have been dating someone for about 3 years now. We have both been married and divorced before. He has probably treated me better than anyone I've ever dated or been with. It's clear when we are in the bedroom together that his sexual past is more colorful than mine. He has always been upfront with me and encouraged me to ask if I had any questions about his past. it wasnt until tonight that I inquired. I kind of figured I had an idea about his past but now the truth is in front of me  Him and his wife were swingers and we're together with other couples, etc. He apologized for its effect on me but told me that he loved me so much. I told him my biggest fear was getting hurt again, as my spouse cheated on me while I was pregnant, and he became abusive. he said it was his past and that he wants to settle down with me. I feel good wih him and appreciate his honesty but wow...I am so sheltered! It's shocking to think I know and am with someone with such a decorated sexual past. I always just wanted a fairytale life. I wanted to settle down with my first love and always be with him..etc. I guess keeping my head buried in the sand is not realistic. I feel like I'm fortunate to have found him but am still trying to see his past as less shcoking and perhaps rare when it's may be more common than I realize. I don't know. Just hoping for some sensible feedback as my brain is spinning right now. Hoping he knows what he wants.

thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I wouldn't say that swinging is that common but I would look at swinging differently than cheating since his former DW was open to that as well.  I think you should explore with him if he would be willing to fully commit to you knowing that you would not be into swinging.  My 2nd DH surely had a much wilder sexual past than I did, starting with the fact that when he was in high school he was having an affair with one of his teachers and practically live w/ her on the weekends.  I never asked him how many women he had sex with, cause it didn't matter to me, but it was obviously way more than the partners I had--I was with my 1st DH for 15 yrs so that certainly cut down on the number, plus I started late (at the end of college, not in high school).  But he had done a bunch of things when he was  younger that he was not interested in doing any more, plus I knew that being faithful was very important to him and I never had an issue that he might cheat.  Now the good part for me is that his crazy sexual past was very beneficial to me--we had great sex and I figured that nothing I wanted to try would phase him so it also made me more uninhibited.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008

I do have a similar past as you..With someone for years and started late as well. I also benefit from my bf's past, which is nice. he tells me he is ready to settle down, anx I tell him where I stand, but I still have minor concerns about him getting bored, or thinking that he may lure me into his old lifestyle After sometime, etc. I trust him but with our lifestyles being so different I guess that I worry that we r not on the same playing field Or that, with time. I appreciate your feedback. It's helpful to hear a similar story.. To some respect. Nice to hear it's working out! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Three years is plenty of time to know how someone will consistently treat you in the long run. Your bf has stayed faithful to you and hasn't brought up the fact that he wants to swing with you in the future. If that continued to be his lifestyle and was so important to him, he would've selected a woman willing to do this, and would've asked her early in the relationship. He probably tried it and found it wasn't for him. Who knows, it may have caused the demise of his relationship. You're going to have to let go of the thought that he may get sexually bored. It takes two people to keep this from happening. There are plenty of ideas on the internet (Cosmopolitan magazine) to prevent a couple from getting bored. Think of this as a positive thing. That you two will always put daily effort into every aspect of being in a healthy relationship. Baggage is a bad thing, so you're going to have to let it go. My husband was cheated on by 2 past partners. It doesn't mean that he gets suspicious of me if I go out with a girlfriend. He tells me to have a good time. He trusts me. I'm a different person who doesn't cheat and he knows this. Squelch your fears and use your knowledge of the present. We've been happy for 3 years and we will continue to be since we each make the relationship a priority. Good men are hard to find nowadays. Don't let your negative thoughts be a self fulfilling prophesy. Get some books from the library on positive thinking. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008

Thank you for your input! That's helpful!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Let me put it this way you have to be you.  If you are happy let it go.  Do not try to be anyone but yourself.  You are not in competition.  When we stop being ourselves we lie to them and to ourselves.  Then reality catches up and the betrayal of self is obvious. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008

I appreciate that. You know for the first time, and it started with him. I feel like on my truest self. He encourages me to speak up and to be myself and to speak of things that are bothering me. I guess I still worry that my past mistakes  will haunt me and I'll make bad choices again. I guess I'm probably over analytical now, overcompensating for my past. In my past growing up and prior to this relationship with him and always been a people pleaser. I've always been other people before myself and for the first time with him I voice my opinion and don't feel as though I'm reprimanded for it. I grew up in a household for the women were more submissive and expected to take care of the men, so later in life I seem to be having trouble finding the difference between me doing for me and me trying to please other people. We're taking things slow with this relationship to make sure that I'm finding who I need to be for a healthy relationship. With him everything feels really good and when something bothers me I'm able to speak with him about it, and we can discuss it mutually. I guess I just want to make sure that there are no red flags that I'm overlooking that may seem more obvious because somebody else other than myself. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006

If swinging isn't your thing, I do hope he cares enough about you not return to that habit.

It's certainly off limit for me. I'm open minded with there are things I will not do.