Trying to understand him?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Trying to understand him?
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 1:12am
I need your opinion please on a situation that I am in. I met this guy online a little over 3 years ago. We started out having great conversations, I really enjoyed conversing with him. After few months of emailing and talking over the phone, we met in person. We continued talking more for another month or so; he really wanted to know where we were heading. I could not make a decision because it was complicated, he lives in another country and that meant I had to start over ( learn a new language and get my licensing in his country). I felt like it was a huge risk on my part, what if it didn't work out, what ifs.....he didn't like my indecisiveness and thought I was buying time. Which wasn't true. I was not dating anyone else. I felt it was a drastic change to make. He was not trying to move me to his country right away, he wanted to us to date, to get serious and try to see if it'll work. I was worried if we go too far and then everything fell apart or went to far and would not be able to decide. I don't want to say he was pressuring me, but he wanted a clear answer from me. Anyways, in the end I told him I can't do this and that was our last phone call about 3 years ago, I sent him an apology email the very next day and he replied saying that I made a mistake and that I didn't give him a chance and his last sentence was 'if you ever need anything, you can always count on me'. The past year or so, I have been thinking about him a lot. Bottom line, I regret not giving him the chance to see if he was the one. Yesterday morning I received an email from him. The email had no text, nothing specifically addressed to me, just a subject " check out our website", he basically forwarded an email that was sent to him. When I saw his email I was really excited that fate is putting us back together. And then I couldn't tell if he wanted to send it or he sent it by mistake (mass email) because I was on his contact list. Regardless what the situation was, I wanted to reply because I felt like it happened for a reason. I replied to him around 1 pm yesterday and I said hi so and so, I got your email and congrats the website looks great. Is this a new project you are working on? How's everything with you?...... That's all I wrote. I was expecting a response from him last night or even today and nothing yet. I understand a lot could have happened over the past 3 years ( he might be married, in a relationship...) but I didn't ask anything personal, I kept it casual to see how he would respond. I didn't expect this from him, I was hoping he would reply and say something, considering the fact he really liked me and what he said in last email being able to count on him. What does his no response mean? Is he bitter? Is he involved with someone? Is he not interested anymore? He can see that he forwarded that email to and I replied to him, I don't think I did anything out of line. What do you think? I just want to understand him. If he is married or involved with someone, he can simply reply with a short email to give me the message, like "thanks I am doing fine" or something like that. Am I overanalyzing this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 5:24am

njgal, I've got various emails which are a week old on my inbox still awaiting reply.   The reason I haven't replied to them yet is that they are not top of my priority list.    For whatever reason, you are not top of his priority list anymore either.  And truly, after such a long break, he would surely have moved on.

The email he sent to you was probably just part of marketing.   Was there a Facebook link?  If so, it's about getting as many Facebook likes as possible to spread the word on his business.  

At any rate, unless you open to the idea of moving over and living in his country, it's probably a poor idea to get back in contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2012
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:51am

1) Sounds like he was presuring you for his own reasons, not for consideration for you or your relationship. I don't like him for you.


2) He disappeared after you wouldn;t do an unreasonable move across the world. If he cared so much, he would have continued to spend time, effort and energy on you.


This guy is NOT worth your time. He doesn;t care.


And worse, you are still pining for him. I would recommend getting more positive things going in your life so it's so filled that you have better things to do than fondly remember the guy who ditched you three years ago when you wouldn't bow to his demands. honestly, if you build up your own activities, doing productive things to engage yourself phsyically, socially and in hobbies, and career building you will likely ttract a better quality man. One who will chase YOU to get you interested instead of demanding you chase him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:29am


You're asking for help re: 'a situation you're in'. IMHO, there is no situation. There was one, 3 years ago. 3 years is a very long time. The email you received was either a group forward or a mistake or something else...doesn't really matter. You didn't in all honestly expect this man to sit there in his country for the last 3 years not living his life dreaming about you? He's not doing that, not at all. He's moved on with his life, you're in his past. You should really stop treating this thing that happened 3 years ago as 'the BIG LOVE' that got away. You should have something/someone in your life NOW, in August 2012 - this way you won't have to go back to the past and pine over a one-time connection..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:07am
Oh my goodness, this is tragic - you have sat around for 3 years caught up about a guy you met once? It sounds that way with how you have jumped all over what appears to be either spam or near spam or a mass emailing from his account. Is this the only guy who has ever even remotely paid attention to you? The nice thing about someone you meet in person once or even 10 times, and are at a long distance, is that you both are on the best behavior for those few meetings so you can make them to be anything you want them to be. Real relationship take time to grow as people have to learn if it's possible to deal with the ugly side and flaws. besides the initial rainbows and butterflies and fantasies about how wonderful everything is. Emailing and phone calls are not a real relationship.
In other words, as others have also suggested, please find something new in life to give yourself more depth of experience and meaning to enjoy. Regardless whether he's good or bad or married or earning enough cows to trade for a wife, it doesn't matter - life is too short to be hung up this long. 
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 3:20pm

Hi  Welcome to the board.

    In three years much is changed.  IMO it is like this guy is your Great Romantic Hope.  It is very easy to allow the mind to run away with romantic fantasy. As the others have written is does not read as if he was emailing you personally.  Just go one with your life.