Unrealistic Expectations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Unrealistic Expectations?
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 11:25pm

Am I being unrealistic to want a man who seems totally in to me and I'm totally in to him? What about when you both have kids and ex-spouses? Why do I feel like I have to compete for his time? And when I voice my concerns, he lets me know I'm being needy and unrealistic. Ouch. We've only been dating for 2 months and I've tried to break up with him twice now. He argues that I can't expect any other man to be any different than him because I have crazy work hours and I have a kid. He has "normal" work hours and 2 kids with 2 ex wives. How in the world can I make that work? I like him but I end up feeling like I'm on the back burner. Sometimes the way back burner. In a different kitchen that he totally forgets about. And the excuses! And he wants me to be so understanding since he has to balance his custody with the exes. It's nuts. I work long hours but I have my son on a set schedule. How am I being unrealistic by wanting a man to be around? He said that maybe I want to be smothered. No! I definitely do not. But I want to feel like we're on the same page. Maybe I am out of touch and don't understand men. I know 2 months isn't very long. So that's where I give into his argument that I'm being unrealistic. He obviously wants to be with me, he keeps convincing me to keep him around.

Avatar for actuallyinlove
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2011
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 10:25am

Walk away. It's only been two months. It shouldn't be that hard. Not only that, you've tried to break up twice? Then that's your answer. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kid. 

Avatar for mourningthewicked
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 12:56pm

I agree with the above poster. Time to walk away. It's only been two months and it seems like this could set the tone of the relationship. If you've already tried to leave him twice then you know in your gut what you need to do. 

Good luck to you.  

“Are people born wicked, or is wickedness trust upon them?” 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 5:25pm
Walk away.....life, love, marriage, etc. are all a lot of work and if you're having these kind of issues in the first 2 months, then it will not get better. This is the easiest it's going to be and it doesn't sound like anyone's having a good time. Even though you're attracted to one another, that's not enough. Sometimes love isn't enough.....cut your losses and leave before you get more involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 5:45pm

Look at it this way--say your ex has your son every other weekend and you want to date a man who has those weekends free.  Instead of owning up to this difference that maybe your current guy can't promise that because he has to work things out with 2 moms, he says "It's not my fault--your expectations are wrong and no other guy will do what you want."  That's basically putting you down, telling you that your opinion is worthless and you shouldn't be able to ask for what you want.  I think you should break up with him just for that reason.  He is not trying to be understanding of your feelings.  There's also the point that maybe your scheduled just don't work together and neither one of you is right or wrong but it's just not going to work out because it's not convenient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 1:57am

Your expectations sound fine, its his expectations that sound unrealistic--- a "girlfriend" who accepts only seeing him at his convenience without complaining or wanting more.

Dating is for finding out who a person really is, and you've found out enough about this guy to see that there are some major incompatibilities. Don't believe him when he tells you that you can't find a better man than him, what he's really saying is that he wants you to "settle" for him even though he's not willing to make the required effort. I agree with the others, walk away from him now before you invest any more time or energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 9:51am

After I was divorced a few years and my grown children had flown the nest, I did refuse to date men with very small children whose custody arrangements would put a huge dent in how much time he had for me. I was at a place in life where I wanted someone who could spend a lot of time with me. I eventually found my new husband, who matched me in all of the major ways, including wanting to spend a lot of time together. You have to do what's right for you. You only have one life on this planet. Tell him one more time in person or on the phone that the relationship isn't working for you, and that you want to move on, which means zero communication with him in the future. After that, don't answer his calls. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 10:59pm

Thanks everyone! I know in my heart that I need to move on. I've been thinking many of the same thoughts like he's inconsiderate of my feelings and if this is what our relationship is like after 2 months then I need to run! We should make each other happy, not be arguing and fighting. The beginning of a relationship is usually the easiest, most fun, and everyone is on their best behavior.

We talked on the phone yesterday and I told him he was very inconsiderate of my time. He wanted me to go see him and I said no, I just want to be alone. He also said on the phone yesterday "Why are you doing this? Why are you making things so difficult?" I shot right back at him saying "look, there are 2 of us involved, it's not just me causing problems. You have a part to play in this too." I won't let him off the hook on the responsibility. I had too much of that going on in my failed marriage. He really made me upset when he said "The next guy you date has to put up with your work hours and your son." I said "No, I think you're voicing your feelings about me. It has nothing to do with the next guy I date." Then I said "The way you're describing me, I wouldn't want to date me either!" 

I have my answer! There's no way I can stay with a crass jerk like him! Why do I put up with this stuff for as long as I do? I have no idea. I just have to realize time is on my side and I don't want to make a mistake with the next person in my life. Thank you sooo much! I needed the extra kick in the right direction. :)