Unrealistic Expectations - I Didn't Listen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Unrealistic Expectations - I Didn't Listen!
7
Tue, 05-06-2014 - 9:29pm

Okay, so the story continues. I really tried to break it off with the guy I've been seeing (see my previous post about unrealistic expectations). The problem is I gave in to his persistance. After our argument (on the phone) he said he wanted to see me and talk about things. I thought it was fair because I don't really like breaking up over the phone. So he came over to my house and told me his whole story about the exes and kids. We talked (or I listened more like) for about 2 hours. During the converstaion I kept thinking this guy seems to be a complete mess! The first ex totally manipulates him using their daughter, seems like it goes both ways. And he tries to win his daughter's affection. And the second ex seems to take advantage of him by leaving their son with him all the time.

Between our schedules we really don't have a lot of time for each other. But I'm still thinking that I don't know where I can fit into a life with him. I've been divorced for a year and a half. I'm ready for something serious. I still think he wants something casual, he's only been divorced for 6 months. He did tell me he's afraid of getting hurt. This is where I'm confused. He told me he loves me that night. And it wasn't in a very romantic way either. We ended up sleeping together and he said it during... yeah. So I kinda feel like it doesn't count! What a mess! I'm telling myself I don't need his drama and immaturity. Why can't I bring myself to stop seeing him? Uggg.

He seems like he is a good guy, on paper! He's got a great job, nice house, loves to travel, etc etc. But all those things don't matter if he's not ready to really date. And I'm still confused how he can say "I love you" and yet be so distant regarding having an actual relationship where we can meet each other's kids and family, hang out together. That's what I want from the man in my life, to be a big part of my life. I want to have separate interests and houses and everything, but still come together and spend time together. I told him all this. And he said he wants it too. Maybe I just want it faster than he does. And part of me is saying to take it really slow with him, since I'm not sure I want to be wife number 3 and in the middle of all the drama he already has! I have a feeling you guys are going to say to move on... again! Haha, you already said that before and I didn't listen. Do you think he just said he loves me so that he can string me along? Maybe he thinks that's what I wanted to hear. Then again when he said it, he seemed to have said it by mistake. It was during a passionate moment, maybe he meant it but didn't mean to say it. Confused! I certainly don't love him at this point, so I kind of ignored it and don't really want to bring it up with him. 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 8:46am

He seems like he is a good guy, on paper! He's got a great job, nice house, loves to travel, etc etc. But all those things don't matter if he's not ready to really date. And I'm still confused how he can say "I love you" and yet be so distant regarding having an actual relationship where we can meet each other's kids and family, hang out together. That's what I want from the man in my life, to be a big part of my life. 

I think this rather says it all, don't you? And, I think lots of men say "I love you" in a passionate moment. And maybe he does love you. But if his life so so complicated that he can't have a proper relationship with a woman, then what is the point? Perhaps he needs a woman without children of her own who just wants to plug into his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 10:55am

So did he come up with any plan for how you two could find time to see each other?  Because that's the key here.  If he still is going to have no time for you, what's the point?  Maybe you could date him occasionally while still seeing other people.  I wouldn't take it seriously if someone said ILY only during sex and you haven't known each other very long.  It just seems to me that he doesn't want to be alone (not saying he doesn't like you) but maybe he found someone he likes and he just doesn't want to go through the process of trying to meet someone else.  And he also sounds needy, like he can't be on his own.  Plus does he really respect your feelings and listen to you, when you keep trying to tell him that he doesn't meet your needs, but he just insists that you keep dating him because it's what HE wants?  Well see how it goes.  I have a feeling you will be breaking up with him again before too long.  And next time, you might have to block his number if you really want to get rid of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 8:46am

No, there's no plan for seeing each other. He sort of plays it all by ear and takes it one day at a time. I noticed he expects last minute plans and has lots of excuses. I went to lunch with a girlfriend the other day and told her about all this. She suggested the same, that I see other people and try to move on. I think he seems needy too! He has a hard time listening to me, even making eye contact. He also doesn't ask me very many questions, he mostly focuses on his own problems and dominates our conversations. I have a feeling he's not really over his last ex and he's trying to move into dating too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 10:04am

There are so many reasons you should dump him. You need to get a spine and put yourself as a priority, since no one else does. Paying 2 separate monthly child custody payments? Do you really think he's putting money in retirement savings? If you spent a lifetime with him, you'd probably have to rely on your retirement income alone. Why sacrifice this when you don't even love him? He should have at least waited a year to date after his divorce, so yes, he's not ready. Divorced twice already? Are his wives totally at fault? Maybe he doesn't know how to make a relationship work. He's spread thin and you get the crumbs. If that's all you deserve in life, accept it. If you deserve more, make it happen. Don't let other people run the Amylou show. It's your life and your rules.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Sat, 05-10-2014 - 9:57pm

So true! I know better and yet I'm still a sucker. lol... 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 6:57pm

He may love how he feels when he's having sex with you, but his actions don't bear out those of someone who loves you--like figuring out a way to make time for you or to include you in his life.

It just may be too soon on his end.  He's got too much mess he needs to sort through with two ex's and two children by different mothers.  That's some tangled up mess there.

It seems the best you can expect out of him is being F-buddies with him--and hey, if all you need is an itch scratched for the time being and he's willing, you're grown. Just make sure you understand those parameters of your involvement with him and don't expect more out of him or the situation.  But if you're in it for "long haul"-ing, then this guy isn't at a place in his life where he can see clearly, which is why he's cool for the "hit it and quit it" sex, but not an inclusive relationship with you.

Keep your expectations in check.  Don't expect a long haul relationship out of someone who isn't keen on straightening out his life anytime soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 6:47pm

Good feedback, I finally did break up with him. On Mother's Day... sigh. It was for the best!