Is this unusual?

Avatar for mapleandmango
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Is this unusual?
6
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:17am

The last thing I want to do is read too much into this, but I can't help but find bits and pieces of it strikingly unusual.. 

So I am currently a volunteer for local government. Upon being admitted to graduate school, I realized that I wanted to do my research project in this particular city. I took it upon myself to meet with one of the higher ups (whom I find VERY attractive) in expressing interest to be involved in a future project. He suggested we go have a lunch meeting. 

Upon meeting up with him, he suggested that we go to his place shortly after so he can show me some things that were relevant to my research interests (at the moment I was taken back when he said that. considering that he lived within walking distance of city hall, it was completely justifiable). 

Lunch went well and overall I felt very comfortable with him. We walk to his place where he gives me a nice tour of his backyard, and eventually a tour of his house (including his own bedroom-there was artwork in there that he wanted to show me). We spent the next hour and a half discussing various subjects within my research interests in his dining room.  

I told my sister about the meeting and she said it sounded more like a date if anything. She seemed concerned at most. I asked a couple of friends about it and they found it odd that he took me to his place. I generally felt pretty comfortable, but once again was taken back when he got up at one point to grab something, and as he passed me brushed his hand on my shoulder. 

The man is 10 years older than me (divorced); given my age (27) and my horrible experiences with guys (I will not use the term men) my own age and younger, it was nice to have a well natured conversation with a very articulate man. 

I try to justify him taking me to his house merely from a convenience standpoint- I figure that if he is within close proximity of his job, then it would be conducive of a comfortable meeting spot after lunch? I have a strong inclination that he would not do this with the other volunteers. I try to place it in the context with other employees and bosses- would I feel comfortable if it were somebody I was NOT attracted to? 

Anyway, I would just like a second opinion. Is this standard protocol for lunch meetings?! Is this something you would do with one of your bosses or any of the higher ups at your workplace or volunteer position? Ahh, I just need anyone's input! 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:23am

mapleandmango wrote:
<p>The last thing I want to do is read too much into this, but I can't help but find bits and pieces of it strikingly unusual.. </p><p>So I am currently a volunteer for local government. Upon being admitted to graduate school, I realized that I wanted to do my research project in this particular city. I took it upon myself to meet with one of the higher ups (whom I find VERY attractive) in expressing interest to be involved in a future project. He suggested we go have a lunch meeting. </p><p>Upon meeting up with him, he suggested that we go to his place shortly after so he can show me some things that were relevant to my research interests (at the moment I was taken back when he said that. considering that he lived within walking distance of city hall, it was completely justifiable). </p><p>Lunch went well and overall I felt very comfortable with him. We walk to his place where he gives me a nice tour of his backyard, and eventually a tour of his house (including his own bedroom-there was artwork in there that he wanted to show me). We spent the next hour and a half discussing various subjects within my research interests in his dining room.  </p><p>I told my sister about the meeting and she said it sounded more like a date if anything. She seemed concerned at most. I asked a couple of friends about it and they found it odd that he took me to his place. I generally felt pretty comfortable, but once again was taken back when he got up at one point to grab something, and as he passed me brushed his hand on my shoulder. </p><p>The man is 10 years older than me (divorced); given my age (27) and my horrible experiences with guys (I will not use the term men) my own age and younger, it was nice to have a well natured conversation with a very articulate man. </p><p>I try to justify him taking me to his house merely from a convenience standpoint- I figure that if he is within close proximity of his job, then it would be conducive of a comfortable meeting spot after lunch? I have a strong inclination that he would not do this with the other volunteers. I try to place it in the context with other employees and bosses- would I feel comfortable if it were somebody I was NOT attracted to? </p><p>Anyway, I would just like a second opinion. Is this standard protocol for lunch meetings?! Is this something you would do with one of your bosses or any of the higher ups at your workplace or volunteer position? Ahh, I just need anyone's input! </p>

I think I would have begged off of going to his house by saying you had class or something like that and to suggest he bring those things to the office where you would be glad to meet him again. The park would have been just a good a spot for after lunch as his house.

 It sounds a bit out of the ordinary for a lunch meeting, unless you knew this person quite well or worked with them.  You don't sound as if he made you uncomfortable or that he made a pass at you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:38am

No, I don't think it was appropriate, but what's done is done. If I were to guess, I'd say he was waiting for you to make the first move or get a clear signal from you that something could happen. It doesn't matter now. Just don't ever go over there again. Even if he's attractive, try not to date within the workplace. Relationships end more than they last, so you end up in an awkward position of seeing the ex every day. And if you're staying in this city temporarily, he probably sees you as a fun time who will be leaving soon. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:33pm

I think the guy is stupid to put himself in this kind of position with someone he works with--imagine if it got out to his superiors or you could claim sexual harrassment.  I doubt it's in his job description to be taking women to his house, even though you are a volunteer and not an employee.  I have been to my current boss' house for parties and the same with former bosses--but it was group parties. I do wonder if it was to gauge whether you were interested since he showed you his bedroom.  When you continued acting professional, maybe he then decided it wasn't a good idea to make a move on you.

Avatar for mapleandmango
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:29pm

<p>I think I would have begged off of going to his house by saying you had class or something like that and to suggest he bring those things to the office where you would be glad to meet him again. The park would have been just a good a spot for after lunch as his house.</p><p> It sounds a bit out of the ordinary for a lunch meeting, unless you knew this person quite well or worked with them.  You don't sound as if he made you uncomfortable or that he made a pass at you.</p>[/quote]

Wow, you are absolutely right. Technically we could have just stayed at the cafe where we had lunch to continue talking or go back to his office or the nearby park. I literally just met him a little over a month ago, with only one of other meeting that was held in his office. I definitely did feel uncomfortable when I got back to city hall, considering that I did not want to tell anybody where I went.

Avatar for mapleandmango
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:35pm

.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 8:54pm

 Some people are very aware of what body language is being given off.  Others are proud of their house.  It is unwise for him to show anyone in his home as he  does not know you well enough.  In today's' world it is unfortunate that everyone and everything must be looked at with suspicion.

Goldfish