Update on my Flirt-More confused than ever!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Update on my Flirt-More confused than ever!
3
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 10:07pm

After New Year's Eve when he called to tell me that he "likes me and that he can't stop thinking about me" (he even called me his girlfriend that night) a lot has happened.  The week after that we were talking on the phone and he had had a few drinks in him (he had on New Year's Eve too).  He said that even though he likes me a lot, thinks I'm great, sexy, and still can't stop thinking about me that he was very confused.  His ultimate goal is to get married (he's never been) and "realistically" even though he does not want children he can't see that happening with me because of our age difference (reminder: I'm 51 and he's 38). Me, being a good sport told him that I would make it easy on him and that we would just remain friends because I didn't want to start anything if he had any doubts because the last thing I need is to end up with a broken heart.  All was good at that point but then he took it further and asked if we could just be "friends with benefits".  I was pretty upset about that.  Not because I'm Miss innocent, it probably works for some people,  but because somewhere along the line I honestly started to like him.   After spending so much time talking together about everything from likes/dislikes, religious beliefs, hobbies, etc. I never saw that one coming! So the conversation ended with me declining that offer.  I did not take his phone call the next day.  I just texted him and said that I didn't want to talk to him at that time but that I was fine and at work I would be my usual proffessional self.  He wanted to talk to me at work but I told him it wasn't the place and that if he called me I would talk to him. When we did talk I asked him what in any of our conversations led him to believe that I would let him use me for sex and kick me to the curb once he "found" a wife.  He said that he didn't remember asking me to be friends with benefits and he could understand why I was upset, blah, blah, blah.  He said that isn't how he is and that if that was all he wanted he wouldn't have spent so much time getting to REALLY know me as a person, he just is so confused about the age thing and us working together that he doesn't know what to do.  He said that since he messed this up so bad we would just remain friends and see what what happens.  The problem is, there is still that spark between us whenever we see each other and his flirting continues.  He went somewhere last weekend and he told me that the whole time he was wishing I was with him.  I do not go back to his work area at all and try not to react to his flirting but it is very difficult when he is looking into my eyes like he wants to take me then and there, lol. The most confusing part is he flip-flops from saying things like my "walk is sexy as hell" to I need to get a boyfriend.  Today I reversed it and told him he needed to get a girlfriend and he got snippy with me about it. My brain knows that I should just tell him to get a life and leave me alone.  But when he's not being a jerk he really is the most open and honest man I've ever met.  He remembers EVERTHING about anything I've ever said, going way back to before I even know he thought of me this way.  If it were any other man I would think he was a player but he's not.  He's only been with 3 women, 2 broke his heart, one of which he was engaged to.   It's just very hard being a friend with someone who is constantly flirting and sending such mixed signals. It might seem strange but I really enjoy him as a person, our conversations are always long because we have so many common interest.  If I totally end our friendship or whatever the heck we have I will miss him so much.  Never did I think at my age I would find myself in this type of situation.  My life was normal and drama free,  now it's just mass confusion and I don't know what to do. Sorry this was so long, guess I'm just doing some venting in hopes it will help me reach a solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 5:07pm

Those were my thoughts.  Why not? Women marry older men quite often. It is VERY frustrating to me.  I'm not even sure what to call our "relationship" anymore.  It's gone a little beyond friends but yet not far enough to be called anything else.  He followed me when I went out into the warehouse to retrieve coffee supplies this morning and I said I was freezing.  He said "I'd keep you warm but that would be inappropriate if you know what I mean".  I said yes, but really I don't. Did he mean because we were at work (obviously that would be inappropriate) or because we are just friends?   What the *$%!?  I SHOULD just tell him to back off but since he originally said we would just remain friends and see what happens I guess I'm just giving him time to figure out if I'm worth taking a chance on regardless of age. But I know I can't go on much longer this way and until he makes up his mind I'm just trying to go on with my life.  I don't call or text him, I don't go near his work area unless absolutely necessary. I have done everything possible to keep my distance.  Any interaction we have he initiates.  He even came up to the office later in the day to tell me something that didn't  need to be said until this thing might possibly happen a month from now!  I wish I could get inside his brain to see what he is really thinking. Men really are impossible to understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 7:03pm

Honestly if he doesn't want kids, there is really no reason that he couldn't marry you except that it's "different" from the norm in our society.  My cousin's MIL is 12 yrs older than her DH --I don't know how long they have been married, but no one really bats an eye.  He has a good relationship w/ everybody in the family, even her exH.  I'd be kind of annoyed w/ someone who says he only wants to be friends, but then flirts.  I think I'd tell him to stop acting like he wants to date you unless he really wants to--tell him that he should figure out in his mind what he wants because it's not fair to lead you on or act as if he likes you and then tell you that he just likes you as a friend.  If you are such good friends, you should be able to make him see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 8:55am
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