Update: pl give me some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Update: pl give me some advice
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 11:42am

I did meet him on Wed morning. I asked him how things going these days? He said: not that good, cz he missed a few classes at college and also he got a small car accident by hitting somebody's car (just bumper) and has to spent money repair his car, also his car insurance may be increased. Since he was in such a depressed mood that day, I did not talk about "marriage" stuff at all, just told him if he needs help, pl tell me.

The the next day he left his car in the auto repair and called me to walk around (the auto repair shop is not far from where I am living now). I said why not come to my place. So he later came to my place. We talked about school, work, and also the future. We talked about "marriage" generally, and his attitude sounded really into the marriage. Then we went out having lunch together, I asked him when we should talk about our future? He said ys, we should. He then asked where I wanna talk about it, at my place or his place or meet in a big store not far from my place. I was so disappointed at that moment, saying "you wanna talk about such serious matter in a store?" Then I stood up and walked outside the restaurant. He followed me immediately and hug me tightly, b4 he left, he kissed me and said see you tomorrow.

On Friday we met again, and talked, walked around together. At first it was happy, yet then I still told him: we finally have to face the topic and talk about our future, right? or else, even if we are physically together, we are not really happy. He agreed with me.

Since he will have some tests at college next week, I told him I'd like to give him additional time till the end of next week, and no matter what the result is, we have to make all clear.

Honestly, I can feel he is trying to escape the topic when we met , although it was his idea of 11-day no contact no meet. On the other hand, he obviously does not want to break up with me. Cases like are common, and I have some female friends who came across the similar situation. I know clearly what the purpose of such kind of guys. No matter whether my bf is one of those kind of guys, and no matte whether he is serious about talking about it with me at the end of next week, I will definitely make my decision the end of next week!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 10:22pm
I still stand by my opinion, you've been with him a year and are demanding marriage or break up? Really? And he is in college? Your ruining your relationship. So lets say he says he is not ready for marriage and you break up with him. It could take you a year to find someone else and then a year to give them the marriage speech...work on what you have now. You could possibly destroy a good relationship and lose a good man because you want something NOW NOW NOW.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 11:19pm

"It could take you a year to find someone else and then a year to give them the marriage speech...work on what you have now." I actually thought about it too if I choose to break up with him.

I feel I am in dilema: on one hand, ppl said if a guy does not want to marry you after you two being together for more than 1 yr, he will never; the longer the two are together, the less their interest and passion they want to marry. I will not say what they said is totally reasonable, yet I guess it is still reasonable more or less.
1 yr and a half is not a short period. There are guys who are with their gfs without neither breaking up nor proposal, cz b4 they find the ones who are fit for them, they do not want to spend time alone. That is what I also worry about. I also saw some real cases: the guy was with his gf for long time without marriage and breaking up, and suddenly one day the guy broke up with his gf forwardly and later married with another girl.

on the other hand, what u said also kina of make sense. I do not want to push him, cz I do care him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 9:44am
How old are the two of you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 10:00am
i am 26 yr old, he is almost 29 yr old. I think he needs 1 yr and a half to graduate. I have many classmates who have been married, and I do not think it is a conflict b/w marriage and school, so many ppl are married and at the same time go to school and work part time or full time. I work full time, he works part time, there is no financial problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 9:30pm
A marriage counselor told me it takes three years minimum
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 1:29pm
Sit back and take a breath! I have seen friends who get close to the age of 30 and aren't married. They look around and see their friends married and having kids. They panic and think they will never marry. Don't rush it. Let him finish school. This may be a goal for himself that he feels he needs to achieve before moving on. Marriage should never be an ultimatum. NEVER. You have to decide if you can wait until he graduates he may then be ready to make the commitment. That is a risk you have to be willing to take. Waiting for someone who wants to make the commitment or finding someone who just wants to get married. Marriage is a lot more work than you can imagine, entering into because of an ultimatum. That relationship will not last. You need some time to figure out what you want and what is most important.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 10:01pm

I agree with this.

A man usually knows from very early on if the woman he's found is THE ONE. That does not, however, mean that he wants to rush into marriage with her. A year of dating is a very short amount of time to date before getting married. You're still getting to know this person. In all of your 26 years of being alive, OP, do you really think you can be understood with a small fraction of that time getting to know you?

I think you're rushing things for the sake of rushing them and because you're scared. Stop. Enjoy what you have or you'll lose it.