V-day gift RULES??? (help)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2013
V-day gift RULES??? (help)
7
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 11:25am

Flaws and ALL, I have the BEST MAN! (humor me)

I'm 30, and I'm celebrating my first Valentine's Day in an exclusive, committed relationship. While I am very excited about my "home-made" gift, I am a little wry of my beau's intentional verbal brainstorming of possible Valentine's Day tokens of love. Just this past weekend, he gets me to stand face to face with him; he looks me up and down, and he says "You need something... You need something to signify... symbolize... You need a necklace or a ring..." I quickly interjected "Bracelet!", because I just didn't understand what he was trying to say. I am in no rush to make some extreme proclamation, while I have never been more confident in one person's status in my life. I guess what I'm affraid of is people's reaction to my gift. I know that he loves me very much. I'd be assured, and even more firm in that belief, if I got no gift. (We're trying to buy a house, folks. I ain't crazy. lol)  I just don't know how I feel about other people "knowing". Ultimately, I'm trying to ask: How can I avoid feeling like I'm on Showcase?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 2:58pm

I don't see what the big deal is if he buys you a necklace as opposed to a bracelet.  If he bought you an engagement ring, then it would be different.  Otherwise, what business is it of other people anyway what your BF buys you?  And you're trying to buy a house?  Isn't that much more of a big statement that you are "together" than a piece of jewelry.  And to throw this in--unmarried people buying a house together just asks for problems unless you have a written agreement on what you are going to do in case of a breakup--and even then it's risky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2013
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 3:21pm

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>I don't see what the big deal is if he buys you a necklace as opposed to a bracelet.  If he bought you an engagement ring, then it would be different.  Otherwise, what business is it of other people anyway what your BF buys you?  And you're trying to buy a house?  Isn't that much more of a big statement that you are "together" than a piece of jewelry.  And to throw this in--unmarried people buying a house together just asks for problems unless you have a written agreement on what you are going to do in case of a breakup--and even then it's risky.</p>

I guess I should have been more direct: I have a complex about the sort of attention I get from others regarding my personal life. My own Mother experienced a lot of backlash from her own friends and family, because of the way my Father courted her. Rather you realizes it or not: people are cruel. I have done my best to stay away from people, because I've never allowed people to influence me. Thanks for reminding me why I keep myself isolated.

1) I've been married/divorced while in the military where I was a paralegal NCO... I'm pretty straight on legal issues. 

2) I don't care about what people think of me. That's completely irrelevant. I know who and whose I am.

3) I only let bracelet pop out of my mouth as my only resort to downplay the need to buy me some extravagant gift. (YES. A house is a huge "statement". I agree. That's good enough.)

I guess this was the wrong forum to pose my question, because in no fashion am I the "conventional" girl. BUT I thought I would get what I asked for from people who would be more familiar with the circumstances, seeing as how I haven't had a million boyfriends to celebrate Valentine's Day with...

Whatever he gets me: I will deal.

Thanks to anyone who actually has some sympathy.

My apologies again for not being so used to you alls way of life.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 6:00pm

For what it's worth, I didn't interpret Musiclover's response as unsympathtic. Honestly, I am not clear on what your dilemma is. Perhaps if you worded it another way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 9:17pm

In your original post you said "I am afraid of people's reaction to my gift" and then in this post you said "I don't care about what people think of me."  Isn't that a contradiction?  If the issue is just that you didn't want your BF spending a lot of money on you because you are saving up for a house, why not just tell him that?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 8:50am

SwineWearPearls wrote:
<p>Flaws and ALL, I have the BEST MAN! (humor me)</p><p>I'm 30, and I'm celebrating my first Valentine's Day in an exclusive, committed relationship. While I am very excited about my "home-made" gift, I am a little wry of my beau's intentional verbal brainstorming of possible Valentine's Day tokens of love. Just this past weekend, he gets me to stand face to face with him; he looks me up and down, and he says "You need something... You need something to signify... symbolize... You need a necklace or a ring..." I quickly interjected "Bracelet!", because I just didn't understand what he was trying to say. I am in no rush to make some extreme proclamation, while I have never been more confident in one person's status in my life. I guess what I'm affraid of is people's reaction to my gift. I know that he loves me very much. I'd be assured, and even more firm in that belief, if I got no gift. (We're trying to buy a house, folks. I ain't crazy. lol)  I just don't know how I feel about other people "knowing". Ultimately, I'm trying to ask: How can I avoid feeling like I'm on Showcase?</p>

By not wearing any gift he buys you.  That way no one knows what you don't want them to know, although I don't see why you can't just say "mind your own business".  You don't seem to have any problems with being direct and confrontational if one goes by what you said to Musiclover.

and btw, she's a lawyer, since you felt it was important to one-up her on legal expertise.

From what you've written and how you've reacted here, it would seem that you have some work to do on insecurity and being overly-defensive.  Your mom's issues are not your issues to own. Yes some people are cruel, but if you go about treating with people  the way you've done here, then you're going to attract a lot of people who will deal brusquely with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 9:33am
Really like how you wrote your third paragraph, Kenda. That's difficult advice to deliver in a polite way.
After reading many of the boards over time, I've come to realize that sometimes people ask questions, but really, they don't want any answers, it's all just a way for them to share something like - Woohoo, I'm in a relationship!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 9:54am

There is really nothing crazy about buying a house together with your BF as long as you have everything spelled out in advance.  Plenty of same-sex couple (who cannot get married) have been doing so for years.

I guess this was the wrong forum to pose my question, because in no fashion am I the "conventional" girl.

I am, however, quite confused by your writing.  Frist of all, if you are an "unconventional" type of girl (whatever that means), why would you care about "rules"?  And for that matter, why would you have anything to do with something so "conventional" and commercialized as Valentine's Day? 

BUT I thought I would get what I asked for from people who would be more familiar with the circumstances, seeing as how I haven't had a million boyfriends to celebrate Valentine's Day with...

Familiar with circumstances?  I have had quite a number of BFs, but I never paid much attention to Valentine's Day.  Nor do I ever receive any gifts from DH.  We give other gifts on birthdays and Christmas and whenever we feel like it.

How can I avoid feeling like I'm on Showcase?

You are not.  Most people probably don't care about what you get from your BF as a gift, or if you get any at all.  And if they do, you are with some very shallow people.  If your relationship is as great as you described, why do you care at all what others think?

I guess I should have been more direct: I have a complex about the sort of attention I get from others regarding my personal life. My own Mother experienced a lot of backlash from her own friends and family, because of the way my Father courted her. Rather you realizes it or not: people are cruel. I have done my best to stay away from people, because I've never allowed people to influence me. Thanks for reminding me why I keep myself isolated.

If you never allowed people to influence you, then there is no need to stay away from people.  What this is telling me is you are still bothered by something, whatever that something is.  It may be a good idea to get some counseling.

My apologies again for not being so used to you alls way of life.

"You all's way of life"?  What is it?  A few of the people who answered you earlier have been around these boards for quite some time, and I know they all have different "ways of life".  And for that matter, very different from mine as well.  Please bear in mind that when people give answer here, they try to give a common sense approach which may appear "conventional". 

My way of life would be to h3ll with Valentine's Day and save all the money for the house, stop wasting time on self-inflicted dilemma such as what would people think of your Valentine's Day gift, and stop paying attention what stupid friends and relatives think.