Was I that wrong for this??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Was I that wrong for this??????
13
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 3:47pm

New here.... been lurking and I hae to ask am I wrong.

I sold a piece of porperty that I acquired before marrying darling hubby........ well not sell in the traditoinal sense but my interstes were attained by another...... I did not see the need to share this info, as this is and was my property, no monies ever came from hubby's bank account....

He told me that I was wrong became very angry with me and said that I am shady, sneaky and will keep secrets from him that I might as well be cheting on him.

Now yes, may be I should have share the details of the transaction prior to but I was not required to in my opinon as the property was mines prior to marriage, he had no interest.

I can understand your being upset but the name calling, that is throwing me for a loop.....

sorry for any typo's but I am typing through tears.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 6:53pm

Unfortunately, yes. I think you were wrong.

I don't think your husband calling you names was right either, but he was justified in being upset. No, technically/legally you might not be obligated to share this kind of information. And you're not obligated to share the money--you can certainly put it in an account in your name only. But think how you would feel if your husband failed to even mention something so big to you?

Being married means sharing your life. The buying and selling of property is a pretty major life event. It doesn't matter that your husband wasn't part of buying the property, nor part of its sale from a financial perspective. What *does* matter is that you didn't see fit to even tell him about it. That act on your part implies that a) you don't trust him, and b) you're not interested in sharing major events or finances with him. That's not a good sign for a marriage.

I think you should apologize to your husband. And I think you should think about what's wrong in your relationship that you don't want to share major things in your life with the man you married.

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:36pm

Similar to FC here.

I think it's important to share with your spouse. Not every little detail of your life, but at least large type things. This *isn't* asking for his permission. This isn't giving him a say or a vote. This is simply including him and talking to him about your thoughts and plans before doing them.

I owned a ton of things before I got married. I had plenty of money in the bank and a really well paying job. I bought our house that we are living in. No money came from her or her family at all. Yet she has been there with me through every step of buying, selling, shopping for... She is incredibly helpful and supportive of everything I do. I can't think of a bigger slap in the face if I were to suddenly make some type of large financial change without consulting her about it first. I would feel the same if she did that to me.

I also think Name Calling is uncalled for.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:56pm
he knew I was selling the house but after the house was tied up on 2 seperate occassions, 6 more houses went up for sell on the block, I just wanted to get rid of it because I did not want to go back another time and say it fell out of escrow.........I just wanted to get rid of it.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:31am
Well, seeing as how the details of this transaction itself, from what you coyly describe here, seem shady, I tend to agree with FC and Brokk. And no, name calling isn't cool, but I can understand why he is upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:19pm

I never said that I hid the money from him.......... The aggrevation I felt each time with the house falling through I dealt with on my own, I saw the way real estate market was going and I wanted to be done with it. Whenever I attempted to say that the house was ours, and when I talked about selling it, his standard reply "Your house Your money"........ ok so I made the decision to get rid of it

I will admit, I should have told the details as a courtesy however, the name calling is totally unacceptable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:35pm

There are two problems here and to mix them up just confuses things.

There is the selling of the property without talking with him about it. That was your bad, and you should own it.

There is the name calling, which is his bad and he should own it. A certainly lattitude can be had when someone is angry or otherwise under unusual stress. However, there are still lines that should not be crossed and he needs to come to terms with that, as do you.

I think it is in the best interests of both of you to sit down at two sepperate times to discuss each of these. When one conversation is done, you close the door and move on. Don't mix the two up, as one is being used to justify the other.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 2:20pm

Okay, what exactly did you *do* with this property? Was it even legal??

If you've done something illegal, or even in a gray area, your husband has even more reason to be upset. If your transaction draws the attention of the law or the IRS, your husband's life stands a good chance of being directly affected. As in, HE will have to pay extra penalty taxes, possibly deal with his wages being attached, lawyer's fees, etc etc. All because he's your husband. That IS how this works, whether you first owned the property before you married or not.

If you'd done something like that to me and tried to hide it, I'd be LIVID.

Yes, his name-calling was wrong. But you need to get over your notion that somehow his name calling was "worse" than your deception. Flat out, it wasn't. Nor did his name calling somehow wipe out or excuse your bad behavior. You both behaved badly, NOT just him, and your screw-up is NOT more forgivable than his. It's time you owned that you messed up here.

I agree with Brokk--you need to have two separate conversations. No "I'm sorry I lied to you, but how dare you call me names." Your apology needs to exist on its own, without any finger pointing or even bringing up his name calling. Only then can you have the "name calling is wrong" discussion in such a way that it might help.

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 3:21pm

I'm under the impression it was on the market for a while, two other deals fell through and she got fed up with all the baloney and took a low ball offer just to get rid of it. Nothing illegal, and her choice to make. However, it was probably done in a hurry and a bit on impulse, so it would have been inconvenient to pull him into a discussion about it.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 7:08pm
Finally,
You are on point.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 7:27pm

I'm in the process of selling my house now. I know the hassle it can be, and the pressure of a market that is going soft on you. I have understood the situation this whole time, but I still feel he had a right to get upset. No right to name call though.

Brokk...

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