WHAT???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
WHAT???
35
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 9:15pm

Hi,

I was really good friends with a guy for three years (he went through a divorce after the first year). After the divorce we spent a ton of time together, talked about everything, hung out with each others' families, did lots of activities together. During the summer it became clear he was interested in more with me. We had many discussions about whether he was ready, he consistently told me he was and "woo'd" me until I agreed that we should date (this was over probably 2 months). I don't want to make it seem like I wasn't into him, I was, but a little hesitant because of how much he had played since his divorce - and it was definitely him who was bringing up the option of us being more. He even said up front that if things didn't work out relationship-wise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 10:31pm

I sympathize w/ you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 10:42pm
Thanks musiclover, and of course, I agree. I have made it clear to him too that though I do enjoy us together as a couple, I would rather our friendship be saved out of this, and I'm not lying to myself or to him. In fact, I would have rather skipped that whole month, as happy as it made me, if it would have meant we could have remained friends as before. I know people will ask why I would want to be friends with someone like this - but I have 3 years of experience with him vs these last almost 3 weeks, and it just doesn't line up that this is who he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 9:25am

Times like these, thoughts run through your head like "he'd BETTER be dead because that's the only reasonable excuse for leaving me out to dry!" :)

I sympathize with you, it's impossible to tell you exactly how to take his silence. It wouldn't be constructive for you to start thinking on all the things you've done and said and trying to put this puzzle together yourself. It's futile and you'll drive yourself crazy. I know it is hard... But there is nothing you can do in this relationship, no epiphany, nothing to figure out, unless he contacts you. So instead of waiting around for him, move your life forward. Keep yourself busy. Go out with friends, spend time with family, go to the gym after work, whatever you would do if you were single. If he calls, let him leave a voice message. Let him put in the effort that you did. I don't normally advocate playing games, but I think it would be healthy to take some time and space to yourself and not immediately jump on the phone IF he does call you.

I hope you get some kind of explanation soon, but even so, he has done a lot of damage and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to trust him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 4:51pm

I went through something similar many years ago...even down to the disappearing act.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 7:57pm

I totally agree with crab. Who knows why he has totally and suddenly stopped contact? Could be something with his ex or getting cold feet or ... whatever?

The behavior is the message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 7:58pm
Thanks for your responses. Oh I've had three weeks, I've definitely thought and rethought about everything I could have possibly done wrong - and driven myself crazy. I will also admit I'm having a hard time distracting myself, I was in a relationship right before this and these two guys pretty much became some of my only friends as three other close friends moved away. It's just such a shock to be totally abandoned by one of my best friends and I feel so foolish for investing so much in him when he doesn't even care enough to talk to me. Part of me thinks that this can't go on forever... it's too ridiculous. I've seen him end things with several women and he always feels so guilty as he does it - I can't believe he can just be so cold-hearted to ME.

Sorry about your situation true.blue. I don't think he's a different person in a relationship - he was great in it, but he sure sucks now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 8:04pm
With such a male name aren't you supposed to know the answers?? :)

I just can't move on...
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 8:08pm
It is NOT you blue! I recommend you not to waste your time and emotional energy on second guessing yourself with this guy.

Take care,
Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 9:31am

You won't move on if you convince yourself you "can't"

No it can't go on forever, but you also can't wait for him to be the one to put an end to it. I understand how shocked you are, especially since he started out as a great friend. You have every reason to be shocked and hurt, ghosting on you was a betrayal of your friendship as much as anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
In reply to: lilyblue2008
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 2:02pm

Thanks again for your replies, it does help thear outside opinions. I just want to shake him - I don't understand how he could do something so cold-hearted to me. I feel like I have given him opportunities to gracefully exit even adn still... nothing. Shocked is the right word, and I think it's really hard to move on from that state. I understand that things would be "easiest" if I could just do that, but it just feels like such abandonment mixed with disregard - not only did he leave, he left without telling me and refusing to respond.

Funny you mention the trip though - I am doing exactly that in a week and a half. I'm hoping it will help. Unfortunately it's to a place we had planned on going (to visit my friend, which is what I'm doing) but I'm so hoping for a nice escape. A week and a half seems like an eternity to get there though... when each day seems to last a week.

Thanks again.

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